Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 4
Live! with Regis & Kelly
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Angelina Jolie…..Kelly Ripa
Announcer: It’s “Live! with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got: from “Casa de Los Babys”, actress Mary Steenbergen; from her new film, “Beyond Borders”, Angelina Jolie; and the musical stylings of Manhatten Transfer. Plus, as usual, Drive You Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa![ Regis & Kelly enter set, take their seats ]
Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well..
Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!
Regis Philbin: Good morning, everybody!
Kelly Ripa: Hell-oooo, everyone!
Regis Philbin: You’re feeling good this morning?
Kelly Ripa: You know, I.. am.. exhausted, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Really?
Kelly Ripa: It is exhausting when you have a hit sitcom!
Regis Philbin: Alright..
Kelly Ripa: Now they tell me they want to do a spinoff of the show..
Regis Philbin: Already?
Kelly Ripa: And, they’re doing a movie based on my character Haley from “All My Children”.. and it’s got tons of stunts in it, so I have to rehearse because I do all my own stunts! And, of course, I’ve got my book deal!
Regis Philbin: You’re writing a book?
Kelly Ripa: I am also writing a book! So, what did you do this weekend, Reege?
Regis Philbin: Well, I played a round of golf with John & Mary Lithgow.. then I drank a vanilla Ensure and fell asleep on the hammock.
Kelly Ripa: Oo-oo-oo-oohhh! Can you guys picture that – Regis sleeping on a hammock! That’s so cute!
Regis Philbin: Alright, alright.. calm down, Pickle!
Kelly Ripa: Okay!
Regis Philbin: Now.. it was Halloween this past weekend. Did your kids have fun?
Kelly Ripa: Yeah! We all got dressed up for Halloween, and I brought some pictures.[ various photos of unassociated children dressed in Halloween costumes are displayed onscreen ]
Kelly Ripa: Here’s Angus.
Regis Philbin: Alright.
Kelly Ripa: Here’s Katie!
Regis Philbin: Cute.
Kelly Ripa: Diego!
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: Caitlin!
Regis Philbin: Look at that!
Kelly Ripa: Tammy!
Regis Philbin: So many babies!
Kelly Ripa: Dylan!
Regis Philbin: Ripa, that baby’s Chinese!
Kelly Ripa: Law of Averages, Reege!
Regis Philbin: [ reflecting ] You know.. I remember a Halloween party once, where Lola Falana showed up dressed as a hobo.. Rickles came as Mean Joe Green.. and Ava Gabor came dressed up as Zsa Zsa Gabor!! [ manic ] It confused the HELL out of me!!
Kelly Ripa: I would be confused, too, Reege, ’cause I don’t know who any of those people are! [ laughs hysterically ]
Regis Philbin: Oh, boy.. How was your Halloween, Gelman?
Gelman: It was great, Reege!
Regis Philbin: What did you do?
Gelman: I, uh.. marched in a parade in the Village!
Regis Philbin: You know, you’re a weird little man, Gelman..
Gelman: You might be right, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Alright. Well, anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today – I mean, they’re all great.. but this one is really great!
Kelly Ripa: Oh. Angelina Jolie is here. Oh, she’s fantastic! She was so good in “Tomb Raider 2”, I hope there’s a “Tomb Raider 3“!
Regis Philbin: Alright. Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, the freakish Angelina Jolie![ Angelina Jolie enters set, sits next to Regis ]
Kelly Ripa: Okay! Now, Angelina.. it is so nice to have you here, but I need to tell you that you.. scare me!
Regis Philbin: [ reading from a card ] Now, it says here that you make out with your brother.. you wear your boyfriend’s blood on a locket around your neck.. you carve Devil symbols on your arms with witch daggers!
Kelly Ripa: Yikes!
Angelina Jolie: Actually, those are just rumors that got out of control. I don’t wear blood around my neck.. my brother and I broke up a long time ago.. and the Devil symbols are actually on my buttocks!
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Am I right, Gelman!
Angelina Jolie: [ smiling ] It sure is, Reege!
Regis Philbin: “Beyond Borders”. Tell us what it was like making that movie.
Angelina Jolie: Well, it was amazing. “Beyond Borders” is a very.. human story about humans helping other sick humans.. in a very humane way.
Kelly Ripa: Mmm.
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Let’s watch the clip!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah![ cut to fake movie clip ]
Angelina Jolie: What’s over there?
Actor: [ dramatic beat ] The border.[ music sting ]
Angelina Jolie: What’s beyond there?
Angelina Jolie: I want to go beyond.. beyond borders.[ cut back to the studio, Regis is laughing hysterically ]
Kelly Ripa: Wow!!
Regis Philbin: That was fantastic! I can’t believe that movie was such a flop! Have you ever been beyond borders, Gelman?
Gelman: [ shakes head, smiles ] Don’t go there, Reege!
Angelina Jolie: Well, it really doesn’t matter, because it pales in comparison to the actual experience of making the movie. I lived there for three monthas in a hut, with hut people in the mouth of a volcano.
Kelly Ripa: Mmm..
Angelina Jolie: I learned their language, and a man chased my evil spirits away with a feather on the end of a stick!
Regis Philbin: Angelina, you are a cuckoo, but I love you!
Kelly Ripa: You are so strong! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]
Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!
Kelly Ripa: And very brave! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]
Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!
Kelly Ripa: And you are an inapiration to all —[ Angelina kicks Ripa in the head ]
Angelina Jolie: I’m sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting!
Regis Philbin: [ happy ] Looks like we’ve got a catfight on our hands, Gelman! What do we do?!
Gelman: It doesn’t interest me, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Alright. We’ll be right back with Drive You Wild Travel Trivia![ fade ]