SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Live! with Regis & Kelly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Live! with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Angelina Jolie…..Kelly Ripa
Actor……Seth Meyers

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got: from “Casa de Los Babys”, actress Mary Steenbergen; from her new film, “Beyond Borders”, Angelina Jolie; and the musical stylings of Manhatten Transfer. Plus, as usual, Drive You Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis & Kelly enter set, take their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well..

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!

Regis Philbin: Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-oooo, everyone!

Regis Philbin: You’re feeling good this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I.. am.. exhausted, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Really?

Kelly Ripa: It is exhausting when you have a hit sitcom!

Regis Philbin: Alright..

Kelly Ripa: Now they tell me they want to do a spinoff of the show..

Regis Philbin: Already?

Kelly Ripa: And, they’re doing a movie based on my character Haley from “All My Children”.. and it’s got tons of stunts in it, so I have to rehearse because I do all my own stunts! And, of course, I’ve got my book deal!

Regis Philbin: You’re writing a book?

Kelly Ripa: I am also writing a book! So, what did you do this weekend, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Well, I played a round of golf with John & Mary Lithgow.. then I drank a vanilla Ensure and fell asleep on the hammock.

Kelly Ripa: Oo-oo-oo-oohhh! Can you guys picture that – Regis sleeping on a hammock! That’s so cute!

Regis Philbin: Alright, alright.. calm down, Pickle!

Kelly Ripa: Okay!

Regis Philbin: Now.. it was Halloween this past weekend. Did your kids have fun?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! We all got dressed up for Halloween, and I brought some pictures.

[ various photos of unassociated children dressed in Halloween costumes are displayed onscreen ]

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Angus.

Regis Philbin: Alright.

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Katie!

Regis Philbin: Cute.

Kelly Ripa: Diego!

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: Caitlin!

Regis Philbin: Look at that!

Kelly Ripa: Tammy!

Regis Philbin: So many babies!

Kelly Ripa: Dylan!

Regis Philbin: Ripa, that baby’s Chinese!

Kelly Ripa: Law of Averages, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ reflecting ] You know.. I remember a Halloween party once, where Lola Falana showed up dressed as a hobo.. Rickles came as Mean Joe Green.. and Ava Gabor came dressed up as Zsa Zsa Gabor!! [ manic ] It confused the HELL out of me!!

Kelly Ripa: I would be confused, too, Reege, ’cause I don’t know who any of those people are! [ laughs hysterically ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy.. How was your Halloween, Gelman?

Gelman: It was great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What did you do?

Gelman: I, uh.. marched in a parade in the Village!

Regis Philbin: You know, you’re a weird little man, Gelman..

Gelman: You might be right, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Well, anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today – I mean, they’re all great.. but this one is really great!

Kelly Ripa: Oh. Angelina Jolie is here. Oh, she’s fantastic! She was so good in “Tomb Raider 2”, I hope there’s a “Tomb Raider 3“!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, the freakish Angelina Jolie!

[ Angelina Jolie enters set, sits next to Regis ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay! Now, Angelina.. it is so nice to have you here, but I need to tell you that you.. scare me!

Regis Philbin: [ reading from a card ] Now, it says here that you make out with your brother.. you wear your boyfriend’s blood on a locket around your neck.. you carve Devil symbols on your arms with witch daggers!

Kelly Ripa: Yikes!

Angelina Jolie: Actually, those are just rumors that got out of control. I don’t wear blood around my neck.. my brother and I broke up a long time ago.. and the Devil symbols are actually on my buttocks!

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Am I right, Gelman!

Angelina Jolie: [ smiling ] It sure is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: “Beyond Borders”. Tell us what it was like making that movie.

Angelina Jolie: Well, it was amazing. “Beyond Borders” is a very.. human story about humans helping other sick humans.. in a very humane way.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Let’s watch the clip!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

[ cut to fake movie clip ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s over there?

Actor: [ dramatic beat ] The border.

[ music sting ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s beyond there?

Actor: Ssshhh.

Angelina Jolie: I want to go beyond.. beyond borders.

[ cut back to the studio, Regis is laughing hysterically ]

Kelly Ripa: Wow!!

Regis Philbin: That was fantastic! I can’t believe that movie was such a flop! Have you ever been beyond borders, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shakes head, smiles ] Don’t go there, Reege!

Angelina Jolie: Well, it really doesn’t matter, because it pales in comparison to the actual experience of making the movie. I lived there for three monthas in a hut, with hut people in the mouth of a volcano.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm..

Angelina Jolie: I learned their language, and a man chased my evil spirits away with a feather on the end of a stick!

Regis Philbin: Angelina, you are a cuckoo, but I love you!

Kelly Ripa: You are so strong! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And very brave! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And you are an inapiration to all —

[ Angelina kicks Ripa in the head ]

Angelina Jolie: I’m sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting!

Regis Philbin: [ happy ] Looks like we’ve got a catfight on our hands, Gelman! What do we do?!

Gelman: It doesn’t interest me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. We’ll be right back with Drive You Wild Travel Trivia!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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