Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 4
Kelly Ripa’s Monologue
Female Audience Member…..
Regis Fan…..Steve Higgins
Angry Husband…..J.B. Smoove
Angry Wife…..Paula Pell
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
Male Audience Member…..Jason Sudeikis
Kelly Ripa: Wooow! I.. am.. so excited to be here tonight! Oh! Saturdays are my only night off, so usually I’m home getting pregnant! But this is fun, too. It’svery scary, though, hosting a show all by myself – you know, I.. need a little Irish man with me! You know, they asked me what I wanted to do for my monologue, and I was, like, “Gee, I don’t know,” you know? I’m used to live TV, so I think I’ll just.. talk to the people. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. So.. how you doing?
Female Audience Member: [ nervous, but excited ] How are you?
Kelly Ripa: Hi!
Female Audience Member: Hi!
Kelly Ripa: Where are you from?
Female Audience Member: Westchester.
Kelly Ripa: Westchester! County?
Female Audience Member: Yes.
Kelly Ripa: How’s Westchester this time of year.
Female Audience Member: It’s very nice – thank you!
Kelly Ripa: I’m from New Jersey. [ audience cheers ] Have you ever been to New Jersey?
Female Audience Member: Yes, I have.
Kelly Ripa: That’s great.
Female Audience Member: The road’s a pain..
Kelly Ripa: Yeah. Thank you.
Female Audience Member: You’re welcome..[ Kelly moves over to a group wearing colorful “I Love Regis!” t-shirts ]
Kelly Ripa: Oh, look at you! I like your shirts, they’re really cute!
Regis Fan: Is Regis coming out later?
Kelly Ripa: Oh.. no.. I’m sorry. Regis is performing at Foxwoods Country Club tonight.
Regis Fan: Let’s go, come on.. maybe we can catch the 12:05. We love you, Kelly!
Kelly Ripa: I guess I’ll see you later, then..[ Angry Husband and Wife stand ]
Angry Husband: Hey, Kelly Ripa! We got a question!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah!
Angry Husband: Now, you’re 33 years old?
Kelly Ripa: Yes.
Angry Husband: And you got three kids?
Kelly Ripa: Yes. I am very lucky – I hhave three beautiful children!
Angry Husband: So, you’re 33.. and you have three kids?
Kelly Ripa: Yes.
Angry Husband: [ yells at Wife ] See, I told you! We only got two kids! Why can’t you.. look like that?!
Angry Wife: Don’t start with me, Terrell!
Angry Husband: She got three damn kids!!
Kelly Ripa: I’m sorry about that.. [ points ] Yes, you. Yes?
Ruth Weinstock: Yeah! I want to know.. why you let those children.. work.. in the sweatshops.. to make your lcothing line!
Kelly Ripa: No, no.. that’s not me. You’re thinking of.. P. Diddy.
Ruth Weinstock: No, actually, I’m thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford – the lady before you!
Kelly Ripa: Oh.. yes. Okay.
Ruth Weinstock: On “Regis & Kathie Lee!“
Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I-I-I know.
Ruth Weinstock: I liked her.. bet-ter than you!
Kelly Ripa: Great. Thank.. thank you. [ looks to another audience member ] Yes! Hi! how are you?
Pervert: Hi. I’m a.. a big fan of your work. Even before “Regis & Kelly”.
Kelly Ripa: Oh.. oh! On “All My Children”?
Pervert: No, on “Dance Party USA”.
Kelly Ripa: Ohh?
Pervert: You really were quite spectacular.
Kelly Ripa: Thank you. Yes, for those of you don’t know, “Dance Party USA” is kind of like an “American Bandstand”-type show that I was on when I was, like.. 14.
Pervert: I’ve enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood.
Kelly Ripa: [ slightly disturbed ] Thank you..
Pervert: My favorite episode of “Dance Party USA” is Episode 514, where you slow dance with Matt Richinski to “Neverending Story” by Limahl.
Kelly Ripa: I, uh.. I don’t really remember that..
Pervert: I do.
Kelly Ripa: Do you have a question?
Pervert: Yes. Do you breastfeed your children?
Kelly Ripa: [ stunned ] Eugh! Get out of here! [ to Security ] Get him out of here![ Security escorts Pervert out of the studio ]
Kelly Ripa: Oh, my gosh!
Male Audience Member: Hi, Kelly? Hi! I’m a big fan of your new sitcom, “Hope & Faith”!
Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Oh, wow, thank you!
Male Audience Member: Yeah, no, I was just kidding! Uh.. I haven’t seen it yet, but I am an aspiring actor, so I was hoping you could tell me, uh, you know, what I’m doing wrong, since I have zero jobs, and you have three.
Kelly Ripa: Oh.. well, sure.. first, you have to work really hard.. and then you –
Angry Husband: [ jumps up again ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got three jobs?!
Kelly Ripa: Sssssorta..
Angry Husband: And your husband got one job?!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah..
Angry Husband: Dammit, woman! [ smacks his wife with a newspaper ] I’m gonna leave you.. for her! That’s what I’m gonna do!!
Angry Wife: You want him? Take him! I hope you like credit card debt![ the Regis fans re-enter and return to their seats ]
Regis Fan: Kelly..? We came back..
Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Ohhhhh! Great!
Regis Fan: Yeah.. it felt, you know, it felt rude to leave, and, you know what? We don’t need to see Regis – you’re the best!
Kelly Ripa: You missed your bus, huh?
Regis Fan: Yeah.
Kelly Ripa: I thought that.. but don’t worry about a thing, because we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Outkast is here! You stick around, we’ll be right back!