Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 4
Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter
[ open on stock footage of cute puppies running around ]
Gary V/O: Our pets. They give us friendship, loyalty, and affection.
Kelly V/O: And all they ever ask in return is a little love.[ dissolve to shelter set, Gary and Kelly in a roomful of cages, with one cute puppy in a cage in the middle ]
Gary: If you’re thinking of adding a pet to your family, we hope you’ll consider taking a trip down to see us. At the Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter.
Kelly: We have dozens of furry friends of all ages and breeds up for adoption!
Gary: And each and every one of them, is hoping to find a good home and a loving family.
Kelly: Take Sammy here! Sammy’s a two-year old shephard mix who loves car rides and is great with kids!
Gary: Or how about ol’ Bruce? Bruce has lots of energy! But is a perfect gentleman on walks through the neighborhood!
Kelly: Hewwo. My name is Pwincess, and I wuv curwing up by a toasty fire!
Gary: And, uh.. this here is.. Pumpkin. [ his tension with the cute puppy becomes obvious ]
Kelly: [ also appears frustrated with the cute puppy ] Yeah. Pumpkin is, uh.. uhh..
Gary: To be perfectly honest.. Pumpkin is a bit of a douchebag.
Kelly: Yep! There’s no nicer way to say it! He’s pretty much come on like a first-class tool since Day One!
Gary: I-it’s nothing he’s done, really..
Kelly: No, he hasn’t done anything at all! I just, flat out, don’t like his whole deal! I mean, look at him!
Gary: You know, I can read vibes.. and the vibe I’m getting off this pooch is straight jagweed.
Kelly: It’s, like, if you see a guy with a leather car bra on his Mazda Miata, you don’t even have to talk to him – you know he’s a jerk!
Gary: This dog is like that.
Gary: Oh, oh, sure.. he’s decent enough looking on the outside, but inside.. he’s a soulless creep.
Kelly: Hmm. Kind of like Craig Kilborn!
Gary: What can I say, folks? We get a lot of great dogs in here, but, every once in a while, a real dildo slips through the cracks!
Kelly: Hey, but if that’s your thing – adopt him! Let him hang with your kids. I guarantee you, they’ll turn out to be real a-holes!
Gary: Uh, you know what? Probably, the less said about Pumpkin, the better.
Kelly: I agree! But we’ve got lots of other furry friends just waiting to be picked up for adoption! Like Bongo here!
Gary: Okay, you know what? Hold up a minute. [ chuckles ] Let’s hold up on Bongo, uh.. I can’t let this thing go.
Kelly: Me, either!
Gary: [ putting his face up against Pumpkin’s cage ] You think you’re really something, don’t you? With the tail-wagging, and the running around..
Kelly: I am on to you, pally!
Gary: [ groans ] You know what? Just give me a reason, mac.. because I am this close to shipping you off to the Korean barbecue!
Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hey. Take it easy, Gary!
Gary: I know.. I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate this dog so much! [ chuckles, sighs ]
Kelly: The Greenbriar County Animal Shelter. Make a friend for life.
Gary: [ laughing ] You’re not fooling anybody, friend! Noooo, you’re not..[ fade ]