SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter

Gary…..Chris Parnell
Kelly…..Kelly Ripa

[ open on stock footage of cute puppies running around ]

Gary V/O: Our pets. They give us friendship, loyalty, and affection.

Kelly V/O: And all they ever ask in return is a little love.

[ dissolve to shelter set, Gary and Kelly in a roomful of cages, with one cute puppy in a cage in the middle ]

Gary: If you’re thinking of adding a pet to your family, we hope you’ll consider taking a trip down to see us. At the Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter.

Kelly: We have dozens of furry friends of all ages and breeds up for adoption!

Gary: And each and every one of them, is hoping to find a good home and a loving family.

Kelly: Take Sammy here! Sammy’s a two-year old shephard mix who loves car rides and is great with kids!

Gary: Or how about ol’ Bruce? Bruce has lots of energy! But is a perfect gentleman on walks through the neighborhood!

Kelly: Hewwo. My name is Pwincess, and I wuv curwing up by a toasty fire!

Gary: And, uh.. this here is.. Pumpkin. [ his tension with the cute puppy becomes obvious ]

Kelly: [ also appears frustrated with the cute puppy ] Yeah. Pumpkin is, uh.. uhh..

Gary: To be perfectly honest.. Pumpkin is a bit of a douchebag.

Kelly: Yep! There’s no nicer way to say it! He’s pretty much come on like a first-class tool since Day One!

Gary: I-it’s nothing he’s done, really..

Kelly: No, he hasn’t done anything at all! I just, flat out, don’t like his whole deal! I mean, look at him!

Gary: You know, I can read vibes.. and the vibe I’m getting off this pooch is straight jagweed.

Kelly: It’s, like, if you see a guy with a leather car bra on his Mazda Miata, you don’t even have to talk to him – you know he’s a jerk!

Gary: This dog is like that.

Kelly: A-men!

Gary: Oh, oh, sure.. he’s decent enough looking on the outside, but inside.. he’s a soulless creep.

Kelly: Hmm. Kind of like Craig Kilborn!

Gary: What can I say, folks? We get a lot of great dogs in here, but, every once in a while, a real dildo slips through the cracks!

Kelly: Hey, but if that’s your thing – adopt him! Let him hang with your kids. I guarantee you, they’ll turn out to be real a-holes!

Gary: Uh, you know what? Probably, the less said about Pumpkin, the better.

Kelly: I agree! But we’ve got lots of other furry friends just waiting to be picked up for adoption! Like Bongo here!

Gary: Okay, you know what? Hold up a minute. [ chuckles ] Let’s hold up on Bongo, uh.. I can’t let this thing go.

Kelly: Me, either!

Gary: [ putting his face up against Pumpkin’s cage ] You think you’re really something, don’t you? With the tail-wagging, and the running around..

Kelly: I am on to you, pally!

Gary: [ groans ] You know what? Just give me a reason, mac.. because I am this close to shipping you off to the Korean barbecue!

Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hey. Take it easy, Gary!

Gary: I know.. I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate this dog so much! [ chuckles, sighs ]

Kelly: The Greenbriar County Animal Shelter. Make a friend for life.

Gary: [ laughing ] You’re not fooling anybody, friend! Noooo, you’re not..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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