SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Spy Glass


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Geri Halliwell…..Kelly Ripa
Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington…..Rachel Dratch
Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”] [dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top stop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and I’m full of secrets. [lifts hand conspiratorially to mouth]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “A Royal Pain or The Butler Did It.” [graphic of Prince William and Paul Burrell at top left] Prince William has demanded a face-to-face with Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell, who’s set to publish a tell-all book about his mother. William calls the book a betrayal. Burrell retorts, “Grow up!” Will the royal boys make some noise, or is it shut up or grow up? Where there’s a William, there’s a way. Is that all for Paul? Only time will Burrell.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What hot, married UK actor has been linked with his newest costar? His secret’s safe with us, but let’s just say he’s lucky that cheating on one’s wife isn’t against the Jude Law. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Jude Law’s face]

Ian: [graphic of Elle McPherson at top left] All’s not Elle that ends Elle. Australian beauty Elle McPherson just checked out of rehab. Was the leggy supermodel hitting the super-bottle, or was her rehab session for the supression of depression? Will the bossy Aussie’s relationship with her lover go down under, where the women go and the men chunder? Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? You better run, Elle. You better take cover. Oh.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What married movie star was seen snogging in a limousine outside of Harrod’s? You won’t get it out of me, but if that movie star had a bad limp, he might use Michael’s Caine. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Michael Caine’s face with a cane superimposed]

Ian: Good one, Zoe.

Zoe: Thank you.

Ian: Well, it’s two past the hour, so that means it’s time for our daily Spice Girls report with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Geri Halliwell”]

Geri: Cheers, Ian! Well, the spice news is hot this week and I’ve got my finger on the pulse. [raises arm] Girl power! Posh is still married to Becks and they live in Spain. Scary is still terrifying. I have a call in to Baby. And I know there’s another one, but I can’t remember her name right now. [raises arm] Girl power!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Thanks, Geri. The spice does suffice to be twice as nice as mice…slicing…iced…rice. Zoe!

Zoe: Well said. What tip-top Brit-pop mop-top gave me crabs? My lips are sealed. [raises finger to lips and whispers] It’s Liam Gallagher.

Ian: We love digging the dirt here on “Spy Glass,” and no one does it better than our field correspondent, Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington.

[dissolve to a dumpster with title: “Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington”]

Cornelia: [emerging from dumpster] Cheerio, Ian. Well, let’s see what your old friend Cornie Dumps has dug out of Sir Elton John’s rubbish bin this week. [lifts up a shoe] Oh! Well, if it isn’t an old shoe! That proves it! He’s a fruit! I’m Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington, and that’s no garbage. Hmmmmm!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Cornelia. [graphic of Sir Ian McKellen at top left] Sir Ian McFelon? Why was this X-Man acting like an ex-con? When a waiter spilled soup in his lap, lunch time turned to punch time and Ian was “Lord of the Swings.” Hands off, Gandalf, don’t you know fighting’s a nasty Hobbit? If you ask me, that’s just Ian b-ein’ Ian from what I’m seein’ BcKellen. What? No? Should have stopped at Hobbit? Agreed. Zoe!

Zoe: Let’s go to our favorite entertainment correspondent, Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien.

[dissolve to Pat O’Brien in front of a grey backdrop with title: “Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien”]

Pat: I’m Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien. Cheerio. My nose is more congested than Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday. Seriously, it’s like someone shoved two crumpets in my nostrils. Wait ’til you see what my good friend Kelly Osbourne’s up to. Wait ’til you see what happens on “Big Brother” this week. Cheerio.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Thank you, Pat. [graphic of a red heart with a question mark over it at top right] What two TV hosts shagged after a night of pub-hopping last week and haven’t spoken about it since? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Ian Gerrard and Zoe Anderton. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark is replaced by Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Not as much fun when it’s directed at you.

Zoe: And you have a husband.

Ian: And you have crabs.

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: It’s five past, time to check in with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus, apparently gazing at her own cleavage until startledly realizing that she is on the air]

Geri: Ian?!

Ian: What’ve you got for us, Geri?

Geri: I’ve got nothing. I really think we should drop the third Spice Girls segment. [raises arm] Girl power?

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: Seems our sizzle went fizzle. But when we come back, holla if you like Kabbalah. We’ve got Madonna.

Zoe: And she is hotter than a sauna in Ghana.

Ian: You know you wanna.

Zoe: And watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass] [dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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