SNL Transcripts: Andy Roddick: 11/08/03: 20/20


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews


Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: We now return to “20/20” – Barbara Walters’ exclusive interview with Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Barbara Walters interviewing Martha Stewart ]

Barbara Walters: Martha, why do you think everyone hates you?

Martha Stewart: I don’t think people hate me. They may envy my lifestyle..

Barbara Walters: Oh no, no, Martha.. [ in a whisper ] People hate you!

Martha Stewart: I think the people you think hate me don’t actually know me. They have —

Barbara Walters: [ interrupting ] Ohhhhh, they know you – and they hate you! I’m not just talking about your employees, either. Your mother.. your daughter.. the paperboy.. that cameraman over there. [ points to Martha’s cameraman ]

Martha Stewart: [ looks directly into the camera ] Do you hate me? [ camera nods “Yes” ]

Barbara Walters: Everyone says you are a real.. “piece of work!”

Martha Stewart: Well, Barbara.. calling someone a “piece of work” is different from hating them.

Barbara Walters: Hmmm.. I was paraphrasing, Martha. The people we spoke to did use the word “Hate”! As well as the words “She-Devil”, “Control Freak”, “Screw”, “Fiend”, “Harpee”, and “Darth Vadar With Highlights.” One person went so far as to call you a real “C U Next Tuesday.”

Martha Stewart: [ confused ] I.. I don’t know what that expression means..

Barbara Walters: It’s not good. Believe me! They also called you “Demon Spawn”, “Bee-otch”, “Castrating Whoreball”, “Conniving Monster”, “A greedy old hag”, “A heartless egomaniac”, “an ass ache”, and one person called you a “Full-Blown Loonie Bird!”

Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man.. people would be applauding my behavior, not trying to put me in jail.

Barbara Walters: If you were a man.. I’d be all over you like butter on beans! But you are not a man! You are a woman. And a hateful one at that. Described by some as: “A tyrannical bully”.. “A Poor Man’s Eva Braun”.. “A N utcracker”.. “A Nutbuster“.. “A Screaming Banshee”.. “The Blonde Medusa”.. and, in an open letter from your shareholders in the Wall Street Journal —

Martha Stewart: Please don’t read that, Martha. I’m crying now. You’re making me cry.

Barbara Walters: [ ignoring Martha ] They call you, possibly the most hateful expletive I’ve ever seen.. in print.

Martha Stewart: Barbara, I’m weeping right now. I’m weeping, you’re making me cry.. I’m very, very emotional.

Barbara Walters: They say: “We wish Martha Stewart would jump off her own “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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