SNL Transcripts: Andy Roddick: 11/08/03: Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
1992 Andre Agassi…..Seth Meyers
Andre Agassi…..Andy Roddick
Future Andre Agassi…..Will Forte

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi. I’m Scott Joplin.. the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love professional tennis. That’s why I host this show.. every week. Today, I’m especially thrilled, because I have with me three of the greatest tennis players of all time.

Our first guest: eight-time grand slam winner – please welcome Andre Agassi. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Agassi (with shaved head) enters and sits ]

Our next guest has just won his first Wimbledon – please welcome Andre Agassi from the year 1992. [ plays ragtime on the piano as 1992 Agassi ( with blond mullet and earring) enters and sits ]

And our final guest: tennis Hall-of-Famer and Ambassador to Neptune – Andre Agassi of the future. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Future Agassi (in futuristic silver clothing and long hair) enters and sits ]

Let’s start with you, ’92 Agassi. What’s new with you?

1992 Andre Agassi: [ chuckles ] Well, things are pretty great! I just won Wimbledon.. I’m dating Brooke Shields.. and I’m doing these pretty awesome commercials for Canon Cameras!

Scott Joplin: That’s great. By the way, Patrick Swayze called – he wants his hair back. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] How about you, Present-Day Andre Agassi – what’s going on with you?

Andre Agassi: I’m really excited. I just had a second baby with my wife, Steffi Graf.

1992 Andre Agassi: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. what, what, what?! I did what?! I was dating Brooke Shields! What happened to Brooke Shields?!

Scott Joplin: Yeah, what happened to Brooke Shields? I don’t know. Maybe she got beyond bored-a you and that cat on your head! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] What about you, Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: Well, first of all, I’m back with Brooke Shields – and her sex clone.

1992 Andre Agassi: Ye-es!

[ 1992 Agassi and Future Agassi high-five one another ]

1992 Andre Agassi: [ to Present-Day Agassi ] Suck it!

Future Andre Agassi: Also, I just returned victorious from the Great Space War. [ swings his futuristic racquet back and forth, to space sound effects ] Yes, the world’s a very different place, in 2008!

Scott Joplin: Hey, Mullet Agassi – I’m looking at Future Agassi, and you still look like the freak! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Andre Agassi: Joplin, I don’t appreciate you picking on the ’92 me! I-I was just a kid..

1992 Andre Agassi: I don’t need your help, Old Man! Plus, I’m still mad about you screwing up the whole Brooke Shields thing!

Andre Agassi: Hey, remind me.. [ chuckles ] Wasn’t it you who was hoking up with Barbara Streisand? I mean, come on! Barbara Streisand!

Future Andre Agassi: [ in a serious tone ] That’s no way to talk about the President of the United States!

Scott Joplin: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. whose show is this? Mine? Or the Ghosts of Bad Hair Past, Bad Hair Present, and Bad Hair Future? [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] One final question: the Number One player in the world is Andy Roddick. What do you think of him? ’92 Agassi?

1992 Andre Agassi: Never heard of him.

Scott Joplin: How about you, Present-Day Agassi?

Andre Agassi: Nah, he’s okay.. if you like pretty boys.

Scott Joplin: Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: I’ll never forget what he did for our country. [ stands to yell ] Rod-diiiiiiiickkk!!

Scott Joplin: Ugh. This is worse than the time our guests were Closeted Martina Navritalova, Gay Martina Navritalova, and Mr. Martina Navritalova. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling.. Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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