Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 5
03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews
Merv The Perv
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Gynecologist…..Andy Roddick
Merv The Perv…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, gynecologist’s office ]
Rachel: Ugh! I hate going to the gynecologist.
Amy: Wait. You’ve never been to see Dr. Filmore?
Rachel: Why.. i-is he good?
Amy: Who cares. Wait until you see him! [ chuckles ]
[ Gynecologist enters waiting room ]
Gynecologist: Wow! My patients just get more and more beautiful every day!
[ all the women in the room giggle ]
Gynecologist: Miss Reynolds? We’re ready for you. [ exits into his office ]
Rachel: That’s Dr. Filmore?
Amy: Uh, yeah! [ laughs ]
[ Merv the Perv enters the waiting room ]
Merv the Perv: Well, well, well! Lookie here! All these skirts, and me with only one weiner! How we doing, ladies? The name’s Mervin Watson. But you call me Merv The Perv. Or, just call me Merv. Or, just call me – as in any time. [ looks to the camera and pants ]
[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]
Merv the Perv V/O: Hey, ladies. It’s that time. [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] You know me. You love me. [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] It’s time.. for “Merv The Perv”. Starring me – Mervin Watson.
[ dissolve back to the waiting room ]
Maya: Eugh. I think you’re in the wrong place, Merv?
Merv the Perv: Hmm.. maybe it’s time to get in the right place – ie. your pants.
Rachel: You do realize you’re in a gynecologist’s office?
Merv the Perv: Gynecologist’s office? Hey! That’s what it says on the side of my van! Now, which one of you tasty chicks needs a ride to my place down by the quarry? [ eyes an elderly lady ] How about you, old-timer?
Amy: Look. Why don’t you get out of this office, and leave us alone?
Merv the Perv: Or, why don’t I get in to your orifice.. and leave you a bone?
[ Gynecologist and patient re-enter waiting room ]
Gynecologist: Barbara, it was delightful tyo see you as always. Ladies, quick survey: How does my butt look in these pants? [ touches his own butt ]
[ all the ladies lean in for a closer look, while expressing their excitement ]
Gynecologist: Oh, go on! you guys are too nice! You would not even want to see me in a pair of running shorts, though!
[ with wild chatter, all the women in the waiting room express their disagreement ]
Gynecologist: Miss ?? , are you ready? Ohhhh, I hope I don’t get my heart broken today!
[ Merv re-enters, his pants missing and briefs exposed ]
Merv the Perv: Now, ladies, be honest! What do you think of my briefs? Do they make my butt look big? Or, more importantly, do they make something else look big? And, specific, I’m referring to my wee-wee.
Maya: Gross.
Amy: Yeah. Get out of here, you creep!
Merv the Perv: Actually, I’m a perv – Merv the Perv. In the flesh. And, if you play your cards right – in your flesh.
Rachel: You’re a pig!
Merv the Perv: That’s right. Try me – Merv. The other white meat. [ puts his finger to his nose ] Oink oink!
Amy: Look, we are not interested! Don’t you get it?!
Merv the Perv: Not as often as I’d like. But, you know what I did get? The Lane Bryant catalogue, out of my neighbor’s mailbox – yank you very much!
Rachel: Okay, this is sexual harrassment!
Merv the Perv: You’re damn right it’s sexual!
Amy: Ugh! This guy’s a clown!
Merv the Perv: [ makes circus sound effects ] Do me.
Maya: Keep dreaming.
Merv the Perv: Oh, I have a dream, my Nubian princess. It involves you losing that top, so those two children can breathe the fresh air of freedom.
Maya: I will break every bone in your body.
Merv the Perv: I’d like to break in your bod with my boney!
[ Gynecologist re-enters waiting room, missing his shirt ]
Gynecologist: I’m sorry, ladies.. I seem to have spilled coffee on my shirt. I-I gotta go home and change.
[ the women express that they don’t mind at all ]
Gynecologist: Don’t worry – Merv, here, is gonna cover for me!
Merv the Perv: Mmm.
Amy: Wait. You guys know each other?
Gynecologist: Yeah, he’s my brother-in-law. And, to be honest, he happens to be one fine gynecologist. Since I’m going home, he’s gonna be the one to check out your hoo-hahs! Enjoy.
Merv the Perv: Well, alright, ladies! What do you say we start turning those uteruses into meteruses?
Amy: Oh, Merv.
Merv the Perv: That’s Merv.. the Perv!
[ cartoon cutout circle surround Merv ]
Merv the Perv: [ smirks at the camera ] You know you want it!
[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ]
[ fade ]
