Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 6
Dr. Landsman…..Alec Baldwin
Miss Brennan…..Amy Poehler
[ open on interior, Dr. Landsman’s office ]
Dr. Landsman: Uh.. Miss Brennan?
Miss Brennan: Yes. Hi.
Dr. Landsman: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Dr. Landsman. Uhhh.. so, I suppose you’re here to, uh.. have some liposuction?
Miss Brennan: ..No.
Dr. Landsman: Oh! I-I’m sorry, I.. got a little ahead of myself. Won’t you sit down, please?
Miss Brennan: Oh. Okay. [ sits ] Um.. yeah..
Dr. Landsman: What can I help you with?
Miss Brennan: I’m thinking of getting a breast augmentation..
Dr. Landsman: Okay, would you stand up just for one second?
Miss Brennan: Okay. [ stands ]
Dr. Landsman: Okay. [ touches breasts ] How, uh.. how tall are you?
Miss Brennan: Uh.. I’m 5’2″. And, as you can tell, I’m an A cup, but I’d like to just go to a full B.
Dr. Landsman: Oh. I think you’ll probably want D cups.
Miss Brennan: Really? That seems too big for me..
Dr. Landsman: No, really. Trust me on this. If hyou get a B cup, you’ll just be back hee in six weeks wanting something bigger.
Miss Brennan: I-I don’t think I will – I just want it to look natural.
Dr. Landsman: [ insistent ] Of course, they’ll look natural! They’ll look more natural than what you have now! You see, beauty is about proportion. You’re very, very bottom-heavy. So, you’re going to want something to balance that out with, something like the Double D implants.
Miss Brennan: I don’t think I’m so bottom-heavy..
Dr. Landsman: Oh, you’re very bottom-heavy.
Miss Brennan: I just don’t know if I want to go that big.
Dr. Landsman: Well, let me just show you what I’m talking about. Here’s a picture of you in your bra. [ hits button on remote control, as picture of Miss Brennan in her bra appears on his computer screen ]
Miss Brennan: [ shocked ] How did you get that?!
Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, I’m a doctor. Now, through computer-imaging, I can show you what you would look like. [ clicks button,
Miss Brennan: What?! No! You know what, that’s much too much! I do not want giant stripper breasts!
Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, trust me – I have a tremendous amount of experience in this area. I shouldn’t say this, but, uh.. do you know Catherine Bell from “JAG”?
Miss Brennan: No.
Dr. Landsman: Damn! I really wanted to meet her.
Miss Brennan: What does that mean? I just don’t think that I want Double D breasts.
Dr. Landsman: Well, maybe it’s not about what you want, Miss Brennan. Maybe it’s about what society wants. And society wants you to do something to balance out that ginormous rump of yours.
Miss Brennan: What?!! That is it! That is just insulting! I am only going to stay here for a few more jokes!
Dr. Landsman: Please. Miss Brennan, calm down. Who’s the expert here?
Miss Brennan: You are.
Dr. Landsman: Who referred you to me?
Miss Brennan: I saw your ad on a bus.
Dr. Landsman: So, there you go! Let me show you the implants themselves, and you can choose. This is the teardrop Size B implant.. [ holds up normal-sized implant ]
Miss Brennan: [ touches the implant ] Hey, this is exactly what I’m looking for!
Dr. Landsman: And here’s the one I’m recommending for you. [ holds up a beach ball ]
Miss Brennan: Those are toys!
Dr. Landsman: [ smiling ] They certainly are!
Miss Brennan: This is ridiculous! I’m only standing here for one more joke, and that’s it!
Dr. Landsman: Alright.. alright. Then, how about this: we don’t use any implants, and we just take your existing breasts and mash them together and make one good one.
Miss Brennan: What?! how dare you?!
Dr. Landsman: Alright, fine.. have it your way. We’ll just go with the, uh.. teardrop-shaped size of the implants.
Miss Brennan: Thank you. You’re a very good doctor, and I’m looking forward to your performing surgery on me.
Dr. Landsman: Thank you, Miss Brennan. I’ll see you soon.
[ Miss Brennan exits ]
[ phone rings ]
Dr. Landsman: Hello? Hey, what’s up! Are you kidding, it’s going great! I can’t believe I get paid to play with hooters all day! Alright, tell Mom I’ll be home at six.
[ fade ]