SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Prince Charles Press Conference


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Prince Charles Press Conference

Sir Anthony McCollum…..Alec Baldwin
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Horatio Sanz
Reporter #3…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #4…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: We go now to a live press conference with Prince Charles’ private secretary – Sir Anthony McCollum.

[ dissolve to the press conference ]

Sir Anthony McCollum: Right. As you all know, there’s been a lot of talk recently about an alleged event, that may or or may not have taken place, with or without a senior member of the Royal Family, who may or may not have been engaged in certain unspecified acts of a highly indeterminate nature. As you know, I cannot address the matters specifically, but I will entertain a few brief queries.

Reporter #1: Yes.. yes.. question.. question: Cynthia Watson, London Times. Can you comment at all on these rumors, concerning the Prince’s sexuality?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Madam, as you well know, legally, I cannot do that. British slander laws expressly forbid any specific mention of the matter.

Reporter #1: So sorry. Allow me to rephrase. Could one say that the Prince took.. a “holiday”.. from his “usual interests”? And, on this “holiday”, did the Prince, perhaps, “pitch a tent of the Isle of Man”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ mulls the sound of it in his head ] Yes, I suppose, legally, one could say that. Next?

Reporter #2: Uh, hello, thank you – if I may try a different vein. I know the Prince has! [ chuckles ] Say the Prince were to have a.. “keyboard recital” at his home.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes?

Reporter #2: And he were to invite a certain unnamed gentleman. This fellow would undoubtedly bring a gift – say.. flowers.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Granted.

Reporter #2: So, upon arrival, would this gent be more inclined to place “roses on the piano”.. or “tu-lips on his organ”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ frowns ] Sadly, the latter. [ points to next reporter ] Yes, you?

Reporter #3: Yes. Say that the Prince recently purchased a country home?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Alright?

Reporter #3: Down.. “Cadbury” Lane.

Sir Anthony McCollum: I know of no such address, but I’ll allow it.

Reporter #3: In the county of.. “Dingleberry”.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeed.

Reporter #3: And, say there was a problem with the insulation in this residence, a terrible draft coming in through his windows.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Where are you going with this?

Reporter #3: I wonder.. if he wouldn’t enjoy having his “crack”.. filled with “cauck”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Undoubtedly.

Reporter #3: Quick follow-up: If His Majesty is elected to become a civil servant.. would one be writing thinking that his occcupation of choice would have been.. “manhole inspector”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Often, his Majesty speaks of nothing else. [ points to next reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #4: Alright, despite all this talk, the Prince is above, all else, a gentleman.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Absolutely. Always ready to give a fellow a hand.

Reporter #4: And, for a friend, he’d been over backwards – or forwards.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: The kind of guy who would say, “It’s better to give than to receive.”

Sir Anthony McCollum: The Prince of Wales is generous to a fault. He has been known to give until it hurts. However, I’ve also heard, that if you were to arrive at the Prince’s back door with a sizeable package, you would be received warmly.

Reporter #3: Could we say that the Prince was reared by a queen?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.. of course.

Reporter #1: Yes, you’re saying that the Prince’s favorite actor is Peter O’Toole?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: Right, right.. and that his favorite meal is a “sack” lunch.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yess..

Reporter #3: And that his favorite bird is the swallow?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeeeed, yes.

Reporter #2: And, what of the rumor that the Prince can’t drive car over.. 68 kilometers at hour?

Sir Anthony McCollum: I haven’t heard that rumor.

Reporter #2: Because, at 69, he blows a rod!

Sir Anthony McCollum: Thank you. That’s quite enough.. I’m aorry.. that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you..

[ Private Secretary exits press conference ]

Announcer: Next up on C-Span: the Prime Minister’s questions, hopefully featuring more gay sex scandals.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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