Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 6
Prince Charles Press Conference
Sir Anthony McCollum…..Alec Baldwin
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Horatio Sanz
Reporter #3…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #4…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: We go now to a live press conference with Prince Charles’ private secretary – Sir Anthony McCollum.[ dissolve to the press conference ]
Sir Anthony McCollum: Right. As you all know, there’s been a lot of talk recently about an alleged event, that may or or may not have taken place, with or without a senior member of the Royal Family, who may or may not have been engaged in certain unspecified acts of a highly indeterminate nature. As you know, I cannot address the matters specifically, but I will entertain a few brief queries.
Reporter #1: Yes.. yes.. question.. question: Cynthia Watson, London Times. Can you comment at all on these rumors, concerning the Prince’s sexuality?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Madam, as you well know, legally, I cannot do that. British slander laws expressly forbid any specific mention of the matter.
Reporter #1: So sorry. Allow me to rephrase. Could one say that the Prince took.. a “holiday”.. from his “usual interests”? And, on this “holiday”, did the Prince, perhaps, “pitch a tent of the Isle of Man”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: [ mulls the sound of it in his head ] Yes, I suppose, legally, one could say that. Next?
Reporter #2: Uh, hello, thank you – if I may try a different vein. I know the Prince has! [ chuckles ] Say the Prince were to have a.. “keyboard recital” at his home.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes?
Reporter #2: And he were to invite a certain unnamed gentleman. This fellow would undoubtedly bring a gift – say.. flowers.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Granted.
Reporter #2: So, upon arrival, would this gent be more inclined to place “roses on the piano”.. or “tu-lips on his organ”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: [ frowns ] Sadly, the latter. [ points to next reporter ] Yes, you?
Reporter #3: Yes. Say that the Prince recently purchased a country home?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Alright?
Reporter #3: Down.. “Cadbury” Lane.
Sir Anthony McCollum: I know of no such address, but I’ll allow it.
Reporter #3: In the county of.. “Dingleberry”.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeed.
Reporter #3: And, say there was a problem with the insulation in this residence, a terrible draft coming in through his windows.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Where are you going with this?
Reporter #3: I wonder.. if he wouldn’t enjoy having his “crack”.. filled with “cauck”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Undoubtedly.
Reporter #3: Quick follow-up: If His Majesty is elected to become a civil servant.. would one be writing thinking that his occcupation of choice would have been.. “manhole inspector”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Often, his Majesty speaks of nothing else. [ points to next reporter ] Yes?
Reporter #4: Alright, despite all this talk, the Prince is above, all else, a gentleman.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Absolutely. Always ready to give a fellow a hand.
Reporter #4: And, for a friend, he’d been over backwards – or forwards.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.
Reporter #4: The kind of guy who would say, “It’s better to give than to receive.”
Sir Anthony McCollum: The Prince of Wales is generous to a fault. He has been known to give until it hurts. However, I’ve also heard, that if you were to arrive at the Prince’s back door with a sizeable package, you would be received warmly.
Reporter #3: Could we say that the Prince was reared by a queen?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.. of course.
Reporter #1: Yes, you’re saying that the Prince’s favorite actor is Peter O’Toole?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.
Reporter #4: Right, right.. and that his favorite meal is a “sack” lunch.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yess..
Reporter #3: And that his favorite bird is the swallow?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeeeed, yes.
Reporter #2: And, what of the rumor that the Prince can’t drive car over.. 68 kilometers at hour?
Sir Anthony McCollum: I haven’t heard that rumor.
Reporter #2: Because, at 69, he blows a rod!
Sir Anthony McCollum: Thank you. That’s quite enough.. I’m aorry.. that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you..[ Private Secretary exits press conference ]
Announcer: Next up on C-Span: the Prime Minister’s questions, hopefully featuring more gay sex scandals.