Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 6
03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot
The Falconer
The Falconer…..Will Forte
Gambler…..Alec Baldwin
Blackjack Dealer…..Kenan Thompson
Craps Dealer…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into ther forest. Now, he is known only as.. The Falconer!
[ dissolve to forest scene, The Falconer hanging upside down as Donald flaps beside him ]
The Falconer: Ohh, Donald! That tap we set for the coyote has caught yours truly instead! For four days, I have dangled here like a urine-soaked pinata! If only a gaggle of Mexican children weilding sticks would come along and put me out of my misery!
Falcon: [ squawks in protest ]
The Falconer: That’s not racist! Pinatas are of Mexican origin!
Falcon: [ squawks in protest again ]
The Falconer: Fine! A gaggle of children of all creeds and colors! Look! Just go! Get me a knife! an ax! Anything I can use to cut this rope! Hurry! I, Ken Mortimer, must liiiiiiiive!!!
[ Falcon flies into the air in search of a sharp tool; close-up of his steadfast face ]
[ Falcon flies before a wall with arrows pointing in opposite directions. Right arrow points to a store that sells sharp cutting tools; left arrow points to a casino. Falcom almost flies right, but turns left when he hears the fun sounds coming from the casino. ]
[ Falcon lands at Gambler’s side at the blackjack table ]
Gambler: I don’t know if I’d join this table, stranger. I’ve busted nine times in a row.
Blackjack Dealer: Blackjack!
Gambler: Ohhhh! Looks like you’re my lucky charm, Falcon! What do you say we go hit the town, huh? I’m up for anything!
Falcon: [ screech ]
Gambler: What? Oh, let me rephrase that: Anything except Celine Dion.
[ Falcon and Gambler exit from the blackjack table ]
[ dissolve ot Falcon pulling slot machine lever and winning big, screeching with joy ]
[ dissolve to craps table ]
Craps Table Attendee: Here’s $5,000 in chips.. and here’s your credit card.. Mr. Ken Mortimer.
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: Come on! Roll me a hard 6!
[ Falcon rolls the dice ]
Craps Table Attendee: Winner!
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: [ surrounded by young woman and old woman ] Hey, what say we go back to my room with these broads and party!
[ dissolve to Gambler’s hotel room ]
Gambler: Better fuel up, Falcon. Vegas is open all night.
[ Falcon cuts razor blade across cocaine, sniffs it through a $20 bill, then hallucinates and screeches in high-pitched tones ]
[ dissolve to Falcon lying in bed with Gambler and the two women ]
Gambler: You were great, Falcon! And you weren’t bad, either.
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: Don’t worry, Falcon – whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
[ Falcon flies off ]
Gambler: [ to the old woman ] You remind me of my 1st grade teacher..
Old Woman: Really?
[ dissolve back to the forest, where upside-down Falconer is being pelted with sticks by Mexican children ]
The Falconer: Nooo! Por favor! Noooo!! Por favor!!
Falconer: [ swoops in and screeches ]
[ the children run off ]
Falconer: Oh! Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! Ohhhhh, and you’ve brought my credit card! Where did you find it, I lost it, like, two years ago! Aw, thank you. I’ll use the sharpest of its four dull edges to fray the rope! I’ll be free within a matter of weeks! And, until that time.. you will be the Falcon, and I shall remain..
[ title card is upside-down ]
Announcer: The Falconer!
[ fade ]
