SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Gay Train

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Gay TRain

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Gerard…..Kenan Thompson
Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers

[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]

Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …

[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]

Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!

[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]


[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!

[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]

Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!

[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]

Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?

Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.

Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!

Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]

[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!

[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]

Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!

[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]

Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ] All queens please report to the front desk.
You have a call. A very important call.

[ singing ] Flaw-less!
Un-relentlessly flawless!
Unforgivably, I’m flawless!
In my Devons she-dungarees,
Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!

[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]

Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!

[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]

Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!

[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]

Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!

Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.

Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!

Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!

Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?

Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.

[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]

Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Switch to the “pink train” logo ]

Announcer: Don’t miss it!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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