Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 6
Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin
Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers
[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]
Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …
[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]
Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!
[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]
Harvey Fierstein: GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!
[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]
Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!
[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]
Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!
[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]
Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?
Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.
Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!
Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]
[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]
Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!
[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]
Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!
[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]
Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ] All queens please report to the front desk.
You have a call. A very important call.
[ singing ] Flaw-less!
Unforgivably, I’m flawless!
In my Devons she-dungarees,
Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!
[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]
Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!
[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]
Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!
[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]
Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!
Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.
Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!
Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!
Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?
Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.
[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]
Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!
[ Switch to the “pink train” logo ]
Announcer: Don’t miss it!
[ Fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez