SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Keen Corp Presentation



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6



03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Keen Corp Presentation

Randy…..Seth Meyers
Katie…..Amy Poehler
Ray…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on Keen Corp board meeting ]

Randy: [ laughs ] I’m, uh.. I’m sure my co-workers will be here in a.. in a moment. I had no idea.. [ laughs ] I had no idea it was going to be this cold this morning! Did anybody else.. try to play golf? Because it was.. it was cold! [ chuckles ] I’m sure they’ll be here any second..

[ the door opens, and in walks the two co-workers, each looking rather disheveled and unkempt ]

Randy: Oh! Thanks goodness, here they are!

Katie: Hello, good morning.

Ray: ..Good morning.

Randy: Hey, you guys – this is Katie Platt and Ray Fatone. They’ve prepared a presentation, outlining our national sales strategies. Ray? Katie? Take it away! Fantastic!

Katie: [ sighs ] Before we get started.. does anybody have any Pepto tablets? [ no response ] No one? No one. Great. Okay, start.

Ray: Did you, uh —

Katie: I told you ten times, I don’t care! Just go ahead!

Ray: Well, why don’t you just finish your coffee, and then we’ll —

Katie: I told you, I can’t finish my coffee because I’m nauseous!

Ray: Uhh.. hello, everyone —

Katie: Oh, man.. turning on the charm..

Ray: Uhh.. this year has been one of the biggest years Keen Corp. has ever seen, in terms of growth. Uh.. want to give me a hand here, please?

Katie: Sure. [ clears her throat ]

Ray: I want to, uh.. apologize for this handwritten chart because of.. certain circumstances. Katie’s computer, uh.. got ruined, so uh – long story short: we do not have a Powerpoint presentation for you today —

Katie: No.

Ray: — but we feel that we are perfectly capable of walking you through this. In fact, uh.. in many ways, uh.. this chart says exactly what we want it to say. So, just take a few minutes to scan this, and uh.. [ turns to Katie ] Katie? Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Katie: Sure.

Ray: Yeah.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for some privacy ]

Ray: I just want you to know that, uh.. I had a really good time last night..

Katie: [ angry ] Oh! Don’t even! So you have no idea where my bra went?!

Ray: Well, how do I know where your bra went?!

Katie: You took it off me!

Ray: It’s probably in the pool.. or in my rental car, or in your rental car!

Katie: Well, let me tell you something. It is.. it is a new bra! And it’s the only one I have for the whole weekend! So —

[ fearful of being missed, Ray and Katie step out from behind their presentation to re-adress the room ]

Ray: Uh.. uh.. uh.. so, uh.. as you can see from this chart.. the Keen Corporation has, uh.. gone above and beyond all expectations.

Katie: [ remembering ] Oh! You know what, it’s on the balcony.

Randy: Uh, what’s that, Katie?

Katie: Uhhh.. I’m sorry. I just remembered where I.. put something.

Randy: Listen, do you guys need a minute? Because, uh.. the food’s here, we could take a little break..?

Katie: Nooooo! Let’s just power through this!

Randy: Fantastic!

Katie: Okay. Um.. our number one goal this year, at Keen Corp. — [ turns to Ray ] You know, can I talk to you for a second?

Ray: Sure.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for more privacy ]

Katie: F.Y.I. and P.S.! I am capable of having a night of sex without any emotional committment!

Ray: Well, I can see that, because you’re handling it quite well!

Katie: You didn’t have any problem with how I was handling it last night!

Ray: I think you should turn up the volume! Everyone at Keen Corp can hear you!

Katie: You are a royal pig!

Ray: Ssshhhh!

[ Randy peeks in ]

Randy: We can do this later, if you guys want more time to —

Ray: Randy!!

Randy: Fantastic.

[ Ray and Katie step back out ]

Ray: Are you implying that I started what happened last night?

Katie: Well, that Prince CD didn’t just start playing by itself!

Ray: Ohhhh! And I suppose a gust of wind blew your clothes off!

Katie: Oh, give me a break! You were the one who told me I look like Jewel! And that you have the hots for Jewel!

Ray: For crying out loud! After ten beers, my mom looks like Jewel!

Randy: I think I should tell you two that your behavior is really inappropriate! Now, look! We are paying.. to have you here at this nice hotel. So, either straighten out and give this presentation, or get out of here and stop embarrassing yourselves!

Ray: I’m sorry, Randy..

Katie: Sorry, Randy..

Ray: Uh..

Katie: Hey! [ chuckles ]

Ray: [ looks at everyone ] What?!

Katie: Yeah! Right! I man, we’ve all gotten rip-assed drunk and scrumped a co-worker, right?

[ no response ]

Ray: I mean, look.. the only two things – okay, four things that we did wrong last night were, uh: cheating on our spouses, drinking and driving, not completing the presentation, and having unprotected sex. So freakin’ what?!

Katie: Yeah. Sorry for being human! [ laughs ]

Ray: So, here’s how this presentation is going to go down: we’ll finish what we have left, and everyone’s gonna shut up.. and listen. Because here’s my presentation.

[ soft music pots up ]

This woman – one Katie Platt – has singlehandedly put the spice back into my bland, sorry excuse for a life! She makes me laugh from my gut, she can drink me under the table.. and, even though she hates her body, she’s a hellcat in the sack!

Katie: [ touched ] Oh, my God.. that’s so sweet! and, even though I’m incredibly nauseous right now, I want you again!

Ray: You don’t have to ask me twice, my lady!

[ Ray pushes Katie onto the table, then climbs onboard to pleasure her ]

Katie: Ahhhhhh, yes!

[ all the executives dash out of the room, except for one frumpy-looking female executive. Randy decides to make his move on her ]

Randy: Hey, you want to go somewhere and.. work on a presentation? I’ve got some Bacardi Breezers in my fridge, and.. you know who you look like? Shania Twain.

[ Shania Twain, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” ]

[ fade ]

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