SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: The Tony Bennett Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin
Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz
Robert Durst….Fred Armisen

[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]

Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.

[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]

Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.

[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]

Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.

Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.

Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.

Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.

Pat Malonowski: Which one?

Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.

Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.

Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.

Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.

Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.

Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.

Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?

Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.

Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.

Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.

Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.

Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.

Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?

Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…

Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.

Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.

Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]

Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?

Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?

Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.

Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?

Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?

Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.

Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.

[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]

Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.

Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!

Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!

[The Tony Bennett logo]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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