Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 6
The Tony Bennett Show
Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin
Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz
Robert Durst….Fred Armisen
[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.
[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.
[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]
Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.
Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.
Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.
Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.
Pat Malonowski: Which one?
Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.
Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.
Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.
Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.
Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.
Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.
Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?
Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.
Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.
Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.
Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.
Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.
Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?
Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…
Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.
Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.
Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]
Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?
Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?
Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?
Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.
Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?
Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?
Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.
Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.
[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]
Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.
Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!
Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!
[The Tony Bennett logo]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel