SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6






03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte
…..Fred Armisen
Voice of Christian Slater…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday, that it has found on evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran. Leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack!

On Sunday, al Gore called for an appeal of the U.S. Patriot Act, and accused President Bush’s administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.

Jimmy Fallon: In a Veteran’s Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed: “We will finish the mission we have begun – period.” Afterwards, he was advised that, in the future, he doesn’t have to read the punctuation marks.

Singer Wynona Judd was arrested this week for driving under the influence. A test of her blood revealed an alcohol content of 1.75, and a gravy content of 3.40.

Tina Fey: That’s above the legal limit.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, too much gravy!

Tina Fey: When asked to comment on the massive rain and hailstorms that hit southern California this week, Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said, [ in Arnold voice ] “Ze hailstorms are fantastic! I promised you more action, and I delivered! We had fires, we had the ice! Now that Jerry Bruckheimer’s working on ‘Tsnami’, we’re going to make California the #1 action state in the vorld!”

This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival, for his contribution to film. This gives costner just two months to make a contribution to film.

Jimmy Fallon: Justin Guarini, from “American Idol”, has been sued by a couple after he allegedly rammed into the back of their car. Fortunately, Guarini avoided injury, thanks to his driver-side hair bag.

Tina Fey: As many of you know, an illicit sex tape, starring Paris Hilton, hit the internet this week. Here with a review, is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thanks, Tina. Thank you. You know, I’ve seen this tape, and I’ve gotta say, I found it kinda boring. And I’m not making a snap judgment here. I’ve wathced it, lik,e 80-90 times, and I just don’t see what all the hype is about. Fortunately, America, there’s another celebrity sex tape about to hit the streets, that is so hot, it’ll melt your VCR. Presenting: The Will Forte Sex Tape. [ holds up video box ]

Tina Fey: You have a celebrity sex tape?

Will Forte: Fine, Tina – semi-celebrity sex tape. But this baby is sure to make me a big star! Roll it.

Tina Fey: No, no! Don’t roll it —

Will Forte: Roll it!

[ cut to video of Will Forte dancing naked (with a big black dot over his privates) in a hotel room. He performs a naked Thighmaster routine, and even pours honey over his chest and privates. ]

[ video shifts to Will adjusting the camera ]

Will Forte: Perfect!

[ Will hops back into the bed, where Fred Armisen waits ]

Tina Fey V/O: Oh, that’s Fred..

[ on video, Will and Fred almost kiss, until Will interrupts the thought ]

Will Forte: Fred, why don’t you face that way, so you can see how pretty you look.

[ Fred Armisen movies closer to the camera to pose ]

[ fade back to the Update desk ]

Tina Fey: Wow..

Will Forte: You’re welcome, everyone! You’re welcome! And that’s just a small sample of what you’ll get for only $79.95, available at Best Buy.

Tina Fey: You can buy this at Best Buy?!

Will Forte: Fine – the sidewalk outside of Best Buy. See you thee, sex tape fans!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: Jethro Tull was removed from the playlist of a classic rock station in New Jersey, after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people hanging American flags in their cars. Apparently, listeners are so mad they’re flushing their flutes odwn the toilet.

[ flute riff from “Teacher” plays ]

Flute-rock, Tina! You don’t know anything about it, never! You never get it, ever!

Tina Fey: You’re right.. I don’t.

The owners of our very own building, Rockefeller Center, have announced plans to reopen the building’s 70th floor observation deck, which has been closed to the public for 17 years. I guess that means that Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.

In an interview with W Magazine, Joan Rivers compared plastic surgery to car maintenance, saying you have to do it every two years. But, even for a car, she looks awful!

Jimmy Fallon: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be cute, but now it’s just kind of a-skanky.

Tina Fey: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Hadden, was arrested and charged with domestic battery Minday, after hitting Slater on the head with a glass during a fight at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Resort, giving him nine stitches. On the phone now, to comment about his ordeal, is Christian Slater. Christian, uh.. are you there? How you doing?

Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations, Tina. It’s been quite an ordeal for me. I’m just, uh.. sitting here recovering at home, with my good friend Jack Nicholson.

Tina Fey: Oh, wait? Jack Nicholson is there? Well, let me talk to him!

Christian Slater: Hold on, uh, let me get him, okay?

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?

Tina Fey: Hello! Mr. Nicholson?

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you doing?

Tina Fey: I’m fine, thank you! Jack, what do you think about Christian being attacked by his wife?

Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian Slater. I haven’t passed the phone to Jack yet, I can’t find him. Oh wait, here he is! Hold on!

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?

Tina Fey: Hello!

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you?

Tina Fey: Oh, hey! Jack Nicholson! Hi! Great!

Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian.. Jack walked over to the damn kitchen, here he comes back now. I can’t believe my wife hit me on the head with a glass.

Tina Fey: Are we gonna talk to Jack Nicholson?

Christian Slater: Sure, sure.. here he is.

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, Tina. How are you?

Tina Fey: Who am I talking to right now?

Faux Jack Nicholson: This is Jack Nicholson.

Tina Fey: Okay. Hi, Jack.

Christian Slater: Just kidding! It’s Christian Slater! I don’t know where Jack is. Look, I gotta go, I got a.. headache, because my wife threw a glass at me at the Hard Rock Casino. Bye, Tina~

Tina Fey: Alright, okay. Christian Slater, and not Jack Nicholson, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday, but she feels like a 25 year old inside.

Tina Fey: Ohhhhhh!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! I did that! Yeah! I did that!

Tina Fey: The judge in the Rosie O’Donnell breach of contract suit ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie nor her publisher was entitled to any damages. Even so, Rosie didn’t go home entirely empty-handed.

Jimmy Fallon: According to new research, monkeys whose ovaries were removed ate 67% more food than other monkeys. This may explain why many women gain weight after menopause, and why I can’t get my fat monkey pregnant.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

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