SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Zinger vs. Burns

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Zinger vs. Burns

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Sheila…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, planetarium ]

Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?

Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]

Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.

Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!

Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.

Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?

Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!

Sheila: What are you doing?

Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!

Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?

Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.

Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.

[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]

Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!

[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]

Dave Clinger: Burn.

Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.

Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?

Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!

Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!

Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!

Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.

Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!

Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —

Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!

[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]

Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.

Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.

Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]

Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!

Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!

[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]

Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.

[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ] [ fade ]

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