SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Zinger vs. Burns



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6



03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Zinger vs. Burns

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Sheila…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, planetarium ]

Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?

Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]

Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.

Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!

Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.

Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?

Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!

Sheila: What are you doing?

Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!

Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?

Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.

Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.

[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]

Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!

[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]

Dave Clinger: Burn.

Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.

Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?

Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!

Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!

Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!

Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.

Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!

Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —

Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!

[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]

Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.

Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.

Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]

Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!

Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!

[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]

Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.

[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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