SNL Transcripts: Rev. Al Sharpton: 12/06/03: Democratic Candidates


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Democratic Candidates

Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers

[ open on the other Democratic Presidential candidates watching Rev. Al Sharpton host “Saturday Night” at John Edwards’ house ]

Joe Lieberman: I don’t get it, I-I-I just don’t get it. Why him? There’s nine of us running – why does Rev. Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? Why not, uh.. Howard Dean.. or Gen. Wesley Clark —

[ the other candidates in the room nod their heads in agreement ]

Joe Lieberman: — or Joe Lieberman?

[ the other candidates shake their heads in disagreement ]

Howard Dean: Well, you really didn’t think they were going to ask you, Joe?

Joe Lieberman: [ sighs ] And why not, Howard? I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I’ve been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing! Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. [ clears his throat and demonstrates ] “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” [ chuckles to himself ] My kids love it, so..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I don’t know. I mean, I think the Reverand’s doing a pretty good job!

Joe Lieberman: Pretty good for a guy who’s never held public office.

Howard Dean: Kind of like you, General. [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I didn’t serve in a public office, because I was too busy seving our country in uniform! Not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking Goldbrickers!

Howard Dean: Save it, Rookie! [ to the kitchen door ] Hey, Edwards! Senator! We’re running out of Bugles here!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Edwards! Ten-hut, maggot!

[ John Edwards, clad in apron, pops his head out of the kitchen, carrying an armload of assorted snacks ]

John Edwards: Here you goooooooo!! Here is some0 peel-and-eat, for Mr. Howard Dean —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

John Edwards: And an extra helping of Wheat Thins, for my favorite Kosher candidate!

Joe Lieberman: Mmm.. muchos gracious.

[ doorbell rings ]

John Edwards: [ excited ] Oh! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Go get it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Howard Dean: We gotta hide! Turn out the lights! It might be that goofball Kucinich.

John Edwards: [ opens the door ] No! It’s John Kerry and Dick Gephardt! Two of my eight favorite Democrats!

Dick Gephardt: Hi, all.

John Kerry: Sorry we’re late, guys – Dick couldn’t get his car started.

Joe Lieberman: Sounds like his campaign! [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I hope that’s not your A-material, Joe – it stinks!

John Edwards: Let me grab your cooooats!

Dick Gephardt: Thanks, John. It’s awafully nice of you to have us over.

John Edwards: Well, I’m sure any one of you guys would return the favor! Now, can I get you anything to drink?

Dick Gephardt: Diet Coke.

John Kerry: Water’s fine.

John Edwards: Okay, coming right up! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: If that guy kissed as any harder, he’d be drawing blood!

John Kerry: Seriously – that’s record time. We haven’t even hit Iowa yet, and that guy’s trying to brownnose his way into a VP nod! It almost makes you look dignified, Joe.

Joe Lieberman: [ pleased ] Well, thank you, John.. [ the others try to stifle their laughter ] Wait. That was a joke at my expense, wasn’t it?

[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants Raspberry Mojitoooooos!

Howard Dean: [ aggravated ] Just bring out the pitcher, Edwards.

[ Edwards exits to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: You know, I just don’t get it. Al Sharpton. I mean, why not me?! I’m the one with the most experience here!

Howard Dean: You’re right, Dick – none of us have lost half as many elections as you!

Gen. Wesley Clark: [ laughing ] Eight-time loser! Eight-time loser!

Dick Gephardt: Oh, come on! Come on, that’s not fair!

Joe Lieberman: Oh, I’m afraid it is..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I burned ya’, man! I burned ya’!

Dick Gephardt: [ angry ] I know you burned me!

Joe Lieberman: I’m afraid it is fair, Dick. You’re like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy – it makes sense on paper, but the people just aren’t going for it.

Dick Gephardt: You may be right. Maybe I am a loser, Mr. “Vice-President”. Oh, wait a second! You’re not the Vice-President! You lost that election!

Joe Lieberman: That’s debatable.

Dick Gephardt: No, it’s not!

[ everyone laughs at Lieberman ]

Howard Dean: Are we gonna keep watching, or what?

Gen. Wesley Clark: Yeah, why not – “Showtime at the Apollo”‘s on in a half-hour, anyway. Hut!

John Kerry: Yeah. And, if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall!

[ everyone laughs at Dean ] [ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants homemade caramel apples!

Dick Gephardt: Just leave them on the table, John.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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