Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
[ open on the other Democratic Presidential candidates watching Rev. Al Sharpton host “Saturday Night” at John Edwards’ house ]
Joe Lieberman: I don’t get it, I-I-I just don’t get it. Why him? There’s nine of us running – why does Rev. Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? Why not, uh.. Howard Dean.. or Gen. Wesley Clark —[ the other candidates in the room nod their heads in agreement ]
Joe Lieberman: — or Joe Lieberman?[ the other candidates shake their heads in disagreement ]
Howard Dean: Well, you really didn’t think they were going to ask you, Joe?
Joe Lieberman: [ sighs ] And why not, Howard? I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I’ve been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing! Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. [ clears his throat and demonstrates ] “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” [ chuckles to himself ] My kids love it, so..
Gen. Wesley Clark: I don’t know. I mean, I think the Reverand’s doing a pretty good job!
Joe Lieberman: Pretty good for a guy who’s never held public office.
Howard Dean: Kind of like you, General. [ chuckles to himself ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: I didn’t serve in a public office, because I was too busy seving our country in uniform! Not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking Goldbrickers!
Howard Dean: Save it, Rookie! [ to the kitchen door ] Hey, Edwards! Senator! We’re running out of Bugles here!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Edwards! Ten-hut, maggot![ John Edwards, clad in apron, pops his head out of the kitchen, carrying an armload of assorted snacks ]
John Edwards: Here you goooooooo!! Here is some0 peel-and-eat, for Mr. Howard Dean —
Howard Dean: Thank you.
John Edwards: And an extra helping of Wheat Thins, for my favorite Kosher candidate!
Joe Lieberman: Mmm.. muchos gracious.[ doorbell rings ]
John Edwards: [ excited ] Oh! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Go get it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Howard Dean: We gotta hide! Turn out the lights! It might be that goofball Kucinich.
John Edwards: [ opens the door ] No! It’s John Kerry and Dick Gephardt! Two of my eight favorite Democrats!
Dick Gephardt: Hi, all.
John Kerry: Sorry we’re late, guys – Dick couldn’t get his car started.
Joe Lieberman: Sounds like his campaign! [ chuckles to himself ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: I hope that’s not your A-material, Joe – it stinks!
John Edwards: Let me grab your cooooats!
Dick Gephardt: Thanks, John. It’s awafully nice of you to have us over.
John Edwards: Well, I’m sure any one of you guys would return the favor! Now, can I get you anything to drink?
Dick Gephardt: Diet Coke.
John Kerry: Water’s fine.
John Edwards: Okay, coming right up! [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Dick Gephardt: If that guy kissed as any harder, he’d be drawing blood!
John Kerry: Seriously – that’s record time. We haven’t even hit Iowa yet, and that guy’s trying to brownnose his way into a VP nod! It almost makes you look dignified, Joe.
Joe Lieberman: [ pleased ] Well, thank you, John.. [ the others try to stifle their laughter ] Wait. That was a joke at my expense, wasn’t it?[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]
John Edwards: Who wants Raspberry Mojitoooooos!
Howard Dean: [ aggravated ] Just bring out the pitcher, Edwards.[ Edwards exits to the kitchen ]
Dick Gephardt: You know, I just don’t get it. Al Sharpton. I mean, why not me?! I’m the one with the most experience here!
Howard Dean: You’re right, Dick – none of us have lost half as many elections as you!
Gen. Wesley Clark: [ laughing ] Eight-time loser! Eight-time loser!
Dick Gephardt: Oh, come on! Come on, that’s not fair!
Joe Lieberman: Oh, I’m afraid it is..
Gen. Wesley Clark: I burned ya’, man! I burned ya’!
Dick Gephardt: [ angry ] I know you burned me!
Joe Lieberman: I’m afraid it is fair, Dick. Youre like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy – it makes sense on paper, but the people just arent going for it.
Dick Gephardt: You may be right. Maybe I am a loser, Mr. “Vice-President”. Oh, wait a second! You’re not the Vice-President! You lost that election!
Joe Lieberman: That’s debatable.
Dick Gephardt: No, it’s not![ everyone laughs at Lieberman ]
Howard Dean: Are we gonna keep watching, or what?
Gen. Wesley Clark: Yeah, why not – “Showtime at the Apollo”‘s on in a half-hour, anyway. Hut!
John Kerry: Yeah. And, if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall![ everyone laughs at Dean ] [ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]
John Edwards: Who wants homemade caramel apples!
Dick Gephardt: Just leave them on the table, John.[ fade ]