Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton
Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell
Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey
[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]
Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]
Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…
[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]
Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
Ryan: Me, too.
Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!
[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]
Brian: And who are you?
Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ricky: Hello, Brian.
Brian: This is my brother.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.
Brian: I hear those seals like to party.
Ricky: Excuse me?
Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.
Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.
Brian: He does love the ladies.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ricky: And this is Sammy.
Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?
Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.
Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.
Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.
Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!
Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?
Brian: That is a very good question.
Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.
Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?
Ricky: No, that’s not right.
Brian: He loves to go clubbing.
Ryan: And I do love the ladies.
Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.
Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?
Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!
Brian: Get out!
[Ricky stands and leaves]
Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.
Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?
Brian: Who?
Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.
Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.
Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.
Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!
[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]
Brian: And what’s your name, sir?
Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Sarah: Great.
Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?
Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.
Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?
Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.
Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.
Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.
Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.
Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.
Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.
Brian: That bat looks old.
Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.
Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?
Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.
Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?
Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.
Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.
[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]
Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?
Brian and Ryan: Frosty!
Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.
Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!
Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.
Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?
Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!
Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]
Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.
Ryan: That sounds crazy.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: Good night!
[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
Submitted by: DavidK93
