SNL Transcripts: Rev. Al Sharpton: 12/06/03: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton
Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell
Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Ryan: Me, too.

Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!

[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]

Brian: And who are you?

Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Brian.

Brian: This is my brother.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.

Brian: I hear those seals like to party.

Ricky: Excuse me?

Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.

Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.

Brian: He does love the ladies.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: And this is Sammy.

Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?

Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.

Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.

Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.

Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!

Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?

Brian: That is a very good question.

Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.

Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?

Ricky: No, that’s not right.

Brian: He loves to go clubbing.

Ryan: And I do love the ladies.

Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.

Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?

Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!

Brian: Get out!

[Ricky stands and leaves]

Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.

Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?

Brian: Who?

Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.

Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.

Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.

Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!

[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]

Brian: And what’s your name, sir?

Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Sarah: Great.

Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?

Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.

Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?

Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.

Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.

Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.

Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.

Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.

Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.

Brian: That bat looks old.

Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.

Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?

Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.

Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?

Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.

Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.

[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]

Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?

Brian and Ryan: Frosty!

Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.

Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!

Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.

Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?

Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!

Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]

Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.

Ryan: That sounds crazy.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: Good night!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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