SNL Transcripts: Rev. Al Sharpton: 12/06/03: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton
Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell
Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”] [dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Ryan: Me, too.

Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!

[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]

Brian: And who are you?

Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Brian.

Brian: This is my brother.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.

Brian: I hear those seals like to party.

Ricky: Excuse me?

Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.

Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.

Brian: He does love the ladies.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: And this is Sammy.

Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?

Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.

Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.

Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.

Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!

Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?

Brian: That is a very good question.

Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.

Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?

Ricky: No, that’s not right.

Brian: He loves to go clubbing.

Ryan: And I do love the ladies.

Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.

Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?

Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!

Brian: Get out!

[Ricky stands and leaves]

Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.

Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?

Brian: Who?

Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.

Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.

Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.

Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!

[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]

Brian: And what’s your name, sir?

Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Sarah: Great.

Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?

Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.

Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?

Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.

Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.

Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.

Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.

Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.

Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.

Brian: That bat looks old.

Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.

Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?

Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.

Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?

Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.

Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.

[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]

Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?

Brian and Ryan: Frosty!

Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.

Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!

Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.

Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?

Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!

Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]

Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.

Ryan: That sounds crazy.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: Good night!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

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