Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Actor #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Actor #2…..Tracy Morgan
George…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Ivy: [ singing ]“Last night, I had a dream about the past
The saddest thing is that old dream won’t last.
I miss my home in Mississippi
Sitting on my Mammy’s knee.”
Backup Singers: “Myyyy Mammyyyy’s kneeeee..”
Ivy: [ singing ]“I miss her home cookin’
And all the things she meant to me.”
Reggie: I miss all the things of summer! All the things my Mammy would do for me!
Actor #1: Like the time we whiled away after the work was done!
Actor #2: And the songs we sat around and sang!
George: But I truly miss the simple things:
Reggie: Fried chicken!
Actor #1: Watermelon!
Actor #2: I miss being shiftless and lazy!
George: [confused with his lines] “I miss shooting dice at a whorehouse on payday..”?
Director’s Voice: Cut and print! Cut and print![ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]
George: Say.. did that seem a little —
Reggie: Stale? I agree. I had that same line in a movie last year.
Director: Well.. we don’t write ’em, we just shoot ’em. Okay, let’s move on!
Assistant: Movin’ on, everybody!
Director: Is that okay with you, Ivy?[ cut to a crew of white male actors are around Ivy, laughing, while Ivy is smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder ]
Ivy: [ in an Edith Bunker-esque voice ] Whatever you say, Mike![ the black actors turn their attention to Ivy ]
Director: [ snapping at the other actors ] Hey! Don’t look at her, fellas! She’s the star of this picture, okay?! [ to his Assistant ] Tell ’em to dim the lights!
Assistant: Dim the lights!
Director: Okay, roll camera! Mark it! Mark it!
Assistant: Scene 11.. Scene 2! [ marks scene, exits ]
Director: Okay, everybody! This is the part where you’re big heroes, okay? Now, uh, you’re gonna rescue, uh, Ivy from Dr. Abercrombie’s mansion, okay? And.. action! [ exits ] [ black-and-white film production resumes ]
George: Listen, here’s the plan: we’re gonna have to sneak out the back of the theater, and through the graveyard to rescue Ivy.
Actor #2: [ shaking ferociously, scared ] Oh, I ain’t sneakin’ through no graveyard! Nooooooooo way! Those bones be dancin’! That’ll be the end of the finish fo’ me![George, disgusted with Actor #2s line, walks away] [ Reggie and Actor #1, holding candles and shaking, step backwards not knowing they’re about to bump into one another ]
Reggie: Who there?!
Actor #1: Me there!
Reggie: Who that say “Me there”?!
Actor #1: Me say “Me there!”
Reggie: Who say “Me say ‘Me there'”?!
Actor #1: I say “Me say ‘Me there!'”[George appears between Actor #1 and Reggie]
Reggie: Why, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about it, but my feets sure know what they gonna do about it! Feets! Do your stuff!
George: [ fed up with the act ] Alright! That’s it! That’s it!
Director’s Voice: Cut! Cut! That was fantastic! Cut![ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]
George: [appalled by the performance from Reggie and Actor #1] Do you know anybody who speaks like that, Reggie?!
Reggie: [ meekly ] Uh.. no. not really..
George: And the rest of this stuff is stereotypes! We shouldnt be perpetrating these stereotypes! Its 1935!
Actor #1: Well, I need this job. I have 36 children to feed.
George: Well, that’s another stereotype! But, we’ll deal with that later! We cannot do this script as written!
Director: Uh, maybe you’re right, George. Take five while we figure this out, okay? [ to Assistant ] Tell ’em to take five!
Assistant: Take five, everybody! [Assistant and Director leave]
George: We should just quit right now!
Actor #2: Quit?! They told me that, if I did good in this movie, they’d have a part for me shining Clark Gable’s shoes!
George: In which movie?
Actor #2: No movie! He just leaves his shoes outside his trailer!
George: Guys, just forget it![ Ivy brings herself closer to the guys ]
Ivy: Guys, maybe George has a point![ the guys are all excited ]
Ivy: We’ve taken this kind of treatment for too long! The only way we’re ever going to be treated as equals, is if we stand together and say, “No more!”
George: Ivy’s right! Who’s with me?!
Reggie: Well.. I am!
Actor #1: And I am.
Actor #2: And I am!
Ivy: And.. I am!
George: [ putting his foot down ] No women.[ Sharpton and the cast members end the scene to address the audience directly ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: We all had a little fun, with this jokey little skit – but, you know what? There’s still a lot of work to do to end racism!
Maya Rudolph: And sexism.
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ dismissively ] Okay, we getcha. [ to the audience ] But I wish you would think about what you’ve just seen. Not just the watermelon or the fried chicken part —
Tracy Morgan: — And how all blacks only smoke Newports, eat barbecued potato chips, and drink grape Kool-Aid.
Al Sharpton: We never mentioned that.
Tracy Morgan: Oh, Im sorry.
Al Sharpton: Luckily, we’ve come a long way since those old, bad days. Meanwhile — [a stagehand hands Sharpton a tribal mask and a spear while another stagehand wheels out a cauldron with Will Forte, dressed as a British game hunter, inside of it] — wait ’til you see this next sketch.
Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] It’s hi-lar-i-ous! [ laughs uproariously while Sharpton looks at the props in horror] [ scene fades ]