SNL Transcripts: Rev. Al Sharpton: 12/06/03: Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster

Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Johnnie Cochran…..Al Sharpton
Elizabeth Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
Stranger…..Horatio Sanz

[open on cartoon graphic of Michael Jackson in a blue roller coaster car with yellow lettering: “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”]

Narrator: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”

[dissolve to Michael Jackson in a roller coaster car with Johnnie Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor, and others]

Michael Jackson: Wheeeee! Wooooo! Hold on, everybody! Here we go! I love roller coasters! Look, we can touch the clouds! Hello bird! [waves] Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo bird! I wanna buy you! Here we go! Get ready everybody! Put your hands up! [raises his hands]

Lawyer: Michael, we have some very serious things to talk about. As you lawyer, I think we should go over these allegations–

Michael Jackson: Put your hands up! Get your hands up! [raises his hands]

Lawyer: I think I speak for all of us when I say, Johnnie Cochran, welcome to the team.

Johnnie Cochran: Thank you, thank you.

Michael Jackson: Johnnie’s my friend. Liz Taylor is my friend, too!

Elizabeth Taylor: Oh, Michael, just listen to these people for once! You’re in great, great danger!

Johnnie Cochran: Michael, we all love roller coasters, but I think surely you must be aware of the impending legal ramifications–

Michael Jackson: Get your hands up everybody! Here we go!

[everybody raises their hands]

Michael Jackson: [shouts gleefully] That was fun! Again-again-again-again-again!

Lawyer: They have you on tape trying to leave the country! Your bail was three million dollars and you are running out of money, Michael.

Michael Jackson: Yeah. We need to buy more money.

Johnnie Cochran: That’s impossible, Michael.

Michael Jackson: No! Nothing’s impossible at the Neverland Ranch, Johnnie Cochran. I’ll buy you a million-dollar watch!

Johnnie Cochran: I’ll take that watch, but as your legal council I would advise you to resist buying watches for other people.

Lawyer: Your financial situation is bad, Michael.

Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, I beg you, listen to these people. You need help. I can’t take it anymore. Oh, Michael! [sobs] [sad music plays]

Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m sorry, Liz Taylor! I’m sorry, lawyers! [points to man behind him] I’m sorry, stranger! I really made a mess of everything. Nobody likes me. I’m sorry, the man who makes the snow-cones! I’m sorry! I’m not mean. I wanna make things right. Please don’t cry, Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor: [sobbing] Michael!

[music stops]

Michael Jackson: Here we go, everybody! Put your hands up!

[everybody raises their hands]

Lawyer: Michael, you could go to jail!

Michael Jackson: I’m gonna get my baby, Blanket! He loves roller coasters! [lifts baby from below as “Daisy, Daisy” beings to play] Hey, Blanket, get ready! [throws baby into the air and shouts gleefully, accompanies by a playful musical flourish on the soundtrack] Bye, Blanket! I’ll see you when we come back around! Get your hands up, Johnnie, everybody, get your hands up! [everybody raises their hands] Again-again-again-again-again!

Johnnie Cochran: Michael, maybe we should get off this roller coaster and rehearse what we’re going to say to the press. They’re gonna ask some tough questions!

[music changes]

Lawyer: Like, did you share your bed with the boy?

Michael Jackson: Huh?

Johnnie Cochran: Did you engage in any inappropriate behavior?

Michael Jackson: What?

Lawyer: Did you buy the boy expensive presents?

Michael Jackson: Huh?

[music stops]

Elizabeth Taylor: Did you buy the boy my fragrance, White Diamonds?

Michael Jackson: Oh, look, here comes Blanket! [twinkly music plays as Blanket falls back into his arms] Oh, Blanket, I love you so much! I wish I knew how you were made! Okay, everybody, let’s get ready! Here we go, get your hands up, get–whooooo! [everybody raises their hands]

Lawyer: Michael, stop this roller coaster right this instant! You could spend the rest of your life in jail!

[darker music plays]

Michael Jackson: You’re right, lawyer. This is serious. I got an idea! [playful music plays] I’m gonna call Quincy. I’ll buy a new ear. I’ll turn into a werewolf. Then I’ll take my sleeping pills and sleep until this all goes away.

Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, you’ve done it again! You’re a genius!

Lawyer: Council, what’s our strategy?

Johnnie Cochran: Well, I think it’s important to shield Michael as much as we can from the details. Also, I think it’s important that I get that million-dollar watch. If you know what I mean.

Lawyer: I know exactly what you mean. Hands up!

[everybody raises their hands]

Michael Jackson: Everybody, get your hands up! Here we go! I love roller coasters!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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