Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Johnnie Cochran…..Al Sharpton
Elizabeth Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
[open on cartoon graphic of Michael Jackson in a blue roller coaster car with yellow lettering: “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”]
Narrator: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”[dissolve to Michael Jackson in a roller coaster car with Johnnie Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor, and others]
Michael Jackson: Wheeeee! Wooooo! Hold on, everybody! Here we go! I love roller coasters! Look, we can touch the clouds! Hello bird! [waves] Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo bird! I wanna buy you! Here we go! Get ready everybody! Put your hands up! [raises his hands]
Lawyer: Michael, we have some very serious things to talk about. As you lawyer, I think we should go over these allegations–
Michael Jackson: Put your hands up! Get your hands up! [raises his hands]
Lawyer: I think I speak for all of us when I say, Johnnie Cochran, welcome to the team.
Johnnie Cochran: Thank you, thank you.
Michael Jackson: Johnnie’s my friend. Liz Taylor is my friend, too!
Elizabeth Taylor: Oh, Michael, just listen to these people for once! You’re in great, great danger!
Johnnie Cochran: Michael, we all love roller coasters, but I think surely you must be aware of the impending legal ramifications–
Michael Jackson: Get your hands up everybody! Here we go![everybody raises their hands]
Michael Jackson: [shouts gleefully] That was fun! Again-again-again-again-again!
Lawyer: They have you on tape trying to leave the country! Your bail was three million dollars and you are running out of money, Michael.
Michael Jackson: Yeah. We need to buy more money.
Johnnie Cochran: That’s impossible, Michael.
Michael Jackson: No! Nothing’s impossible at the Neverland Ranch, Johnnie Cochran. I’ll buy you a million-dollar watch!
Johnnie Cochran: I’ll take that watch, but as your legal council I would advise you to resist buying watches for other people.
Lawyer: Your financial situation is bad, Michael.
Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, I beg you, listen to these people. You need help. I can’t take it anymore. Oh, Michael! [sobs] [sad music plays]
Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m sorry, Liz Taylor! I’m sorry, lawyers! [points to man behind him] I’m sorry, stranger! I really made a mess of everything. Nobody likes me. I’m sorry, the man who makes the snow-cones! I’m sorry! I’m not mean. I wanna make things right. Please don’t cry, Elizabeth Taylor.
Elizabeth Taylor: [sobbing] Michael![music stops]
Michael Jackson: Here we go, everybody! Put your hands up![everybody raises their hands]
Lawyer: Michael, you could go to jail!
Michael Jackson: I’m gonna get my baby, Blanket! He loves roller coasters! [lifts baby from below as “Daisy, Daisy” beings to play] Hey, Blanket, get ready! [throws baby into the air and shouts gleefully, accompanies by a playful musical flourish on the soundtrack] Bye, Blanket! I’ll see you when we come back around! Get your hands up, Johnnie, everybody, get your hands up! [everybody raises their hands] Again-again-again-again-again!
Johnnie Cochran: Michael, maybe we should get off this roller coaster and rehearse what we’re going to say to the press. They’re gonna ask some tough questions![music changes]
Lawyer: Like, did you share your bed with the boy?
Michael Jackson: Huh?
Johnnie Cochran: Did you engage in any inappropriate behavior?
Michael Jackson: What?
Lawyer: Did you buy the boy expensive presents?
Michael Jackson: Huh?[music stops]
Elizabeth Taylor: Did you buy the boy my fragrance, White Diamonds?
Michael Jackson: Oh, look, here comes Blanket! [twinkly music plays as Blanket falls back into his arms] Oh, Blanket, I love you so much! I wish I knew how you were made! Okay, everybody, let’s get ready! Here we go, get your hands up, get–whooooo! [everybody raises their hands]
Lawyer: Michael, stop this roller coaster right this instant! You could spend the rest of your life in jail![darker music plays]
Michael Jackson: You’re right, lawyer. This is serious. I got an idea! [playful music plays] I’m gonna call Quincy. I’ll buy a new ear. I’ll turn into a werewolf. Then I’ll take my sleeping pills and sleep until this all goes away.
Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, you’ve done it again! You’re a genius!
Lawyer: Council, what’s our strategy?
Johnnie Cochran: Well, I think it’s important to shield Michael as much as we can from the details. Also, I think it’s important that I get that million-dollar watch. If you know what I mean.
Lawyer: I know exactly what you mean. Hands up![everybody raises their hands]
Michael Jackson: Everybody, get your hands up! Here we go! I love roller coasters!
Submitted by: DavidK93