Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
According to The New York Times, Michael Jackson’s financial advisors have told him that, to avoid bankruptcy, he must limit his spending to $1 million a month. Upon hearing this, Michael dropped the boy he was molesting, and said, “Are you kidding me?”
Jimmy Fallon: President Bush is working on a new American plan to travel back to the moon. This, after officials talked him out of his original plan to go Back to the Future.
Actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced on Wednesday that she and her boyfriend Chris Martin from Coldplay are expecting a baby. Also, Jessica Simpson announced that she and her husband, Nick Lachey, have been putting it in the wrong place all the time.
Tina Fey: Shuan-Shuan, a female giant panda, was flown to Japan this week, in hopes that she will mate with Ling-Ling, the male panda at the Tokyo Zoo. Biologists are optimistic, because its well-known that Shuan-Shuan is a slut. The mating of Ling-Ling and Shuan-Shuan was brokered by their friend, Pimp-Pimp.
Jimmy Fallon: Sen. Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush, saying that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply a PR move, designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid. However, the President denied this, saying, “That’s what my crazy moon plan is for!”
Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week, for the National Slavery Museum. For the punchline of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host.
Tina Fey: Well, because our host, Rev. Al Sharpton, is an active presidential candidate, a number of NBC affiliates around the country are refusing to air tonight’s show, for fear that other candidates will demand equal time. Since our how isn’t being seen in these cities, we can finally say whatever we want about.. Des Moines, Iowa —
Jimmy Fallon: Snoozeville, U.S.A.!
Tina Fey: — Sacramento, California —
Jimmy Fallon: More like, Suck-romento!
Tina Fey: — Portland, Maine —
Jimmy Fallon: The fart capitol of the world!
Tina Fey: — Memphis and Nashville, Tennessee —
Jimmy Fallon: Y’all come back, now – ya’ queers!
Tina Fey: — Oklahoma —
Jimmy Fallon: Never heard of it.
Tina Fey: — Boston —
Jimmy Fallon: Well.. they..
Together: ..just hate black people.
Tina Fey: — and, finally – Rochester, Minnesota.
Jimmy Fallon: Nerds!
Tina Fey: You guys are —
Don Pardo V/O: You’ve been watching “Jimmy & Tina Yelling At Cities That Refuse To Show Saturday Night Live Tonight.” This is Don Pardo saying, “Suck it, Des Moines!”
Tina Fey: It was reported that Justin Guirini has been dropped by his record label – RCA – for poor sales of his debut CD. And, apparently, the news has really been taking its toll on him.
Jimmy Fallon: Len Wagner, a Pennsylvania man, cashed in over a million pennies, after four decades of collecting. Wow. A million pennies. Can you imagine how much money that must be?
Tina Fey: Yes. $10,000 —
Jimmy Fallon: That’s like, $40 million.
Tina Fey: You’re an idiot!
Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] Yeahhhh..
Tina Fey: On Wednesday, Thailand opened its first monkey hospital. It did not go well.
[ show picture of monkeys dressed as surgeons and handling an operation ]
While appearing on “Larry King Live” Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying her childhood sweetheart, who gave her her first kiss at age 14. Luckily for Tripp, in all their years apart, there was never a cure for blindness.
The ceremony ended with the words: “I now pronounce you Man and.. that.”
Jimmy Fallon: Rolling Stone Mick Jagger is asking the Queen of England not to release pictures of him being knighted later this month, because he’s afraid of upsetting bandmate Keith Richards. Yeah, Mick, I know the feeling. I tried to keep it quiet from Bitchy McJealous over here, when I was made a Jedi!
Tina Fey: Well, Paris Hilton is a name that’s on everyone’s lips these past few weeks. Here now, in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon, is Paris Hilton.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for coming on.
Paris Hilton: It’s nice to be here.
Jimmy Fallon: Uh, as we agreed, we won’t be discussing the scandal, uh.. that’s been in the papers the past couple of weeks, alright?
Paris Hilton: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate that.
Jimmy Fallon: We just want to find out about you – Paris Hilton. Okay. So, your family – I don’t know if a lot of people know it – the Hiltons – they own hotels all over the world, right?
Paris Hilton: Yes, they’re in New York, London, Paris..
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, wait – so there actually is a Paris Hilton?
Paris Hilton: Yes, there is.
Jimmy Fallon: [ his set-up secure, begins the “real” interview ] Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?
Paris Hilton: Actually, it’s a very exclusive hotel – no matter what you’ve heard.
Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I-I-I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful.
Paris Hilton: I’m glad that you’ve heard that.
Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. do they allow double-occupancy at the Paris Hilton?
Paris Hilton: No.
Jimmy Fallon: Is the Paris Hilton roomy?
Paris Hilton: It might be for you.. but.. most people find it very comfortable.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, I-I-I-I’m a VIP, alright? I might need to go in the back entrance.
Paris Hilton: It doesn’t matter who you are – it’s not going to happen.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, now, uh.. I throw a lot of events. Uh, do they have a ballroom there?
Paris Hilton: We do.
Jimmy Fallon: Great! I’d love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton. It sounds awesome! I’d actually like to, uh.. I’d like to check in to the Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton: I don’t think you can.
Jimmy Fallon: Really? Because.. really.. I’d only be able to stay there, like, a minute – minute and a half, or something.. two minutes, tops. I mean —
Paris Hilton: Good luck.
Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!