Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 7
Three Wise Men
Melchior…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Announcer: “..And a star appeared in the East, over Bethlehem. Three Wise Men traveled on camel for many days, always following the bright star.”
[ dissolve to the Three Wise Men traveling through the desert on the dark night ]
Melchior: The star shines bright in the East.
Gaspar: It appears to be in the town of Bethlehen – near that stable. That must be where the King is to be born.
Melchior: Our long trip from the Orient is nearing an end.
Balthazar: Though we are three Wise men, the one we seek is even wiser than us. [ looks offscreen ] Uh-oh.
Melchior: What’s wrong.
Balthazar: It’s the cops! Whatever you do, don’t turn around!
[ sirens sound, as the other Wise Men turn to look ]
Cop: Pull over!
Balthazar: I told you guys not to look!
Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!
Balthazar: Just be cool, I’ll handle it!
[ Cop pulls up on camel ]
Cop: Alright, hey. How you guys doing tonight? [ shines a torch into their eyes like a flashlight ]
Balthazar: We’re just fine, Officer.
Cop: Yeah, huh? Just fine, right? It seems a little late to be riding around, where you guys going?
Balthazar: [ defensive ] We’re just going up there!
Cop: Oh, yeah? What’s up there?
Melchior: Bethlehem! Why did you pull us over?
Cop: I-I noticed your right saddlebag is.. busted..
Melchior: No, it’s not!
Cop: Yeah, uh.. my mistake. So, anyway – why you going to Bethlehem?
Balthazar: We were sent to meet someone!
Cop: Meet someone, yeah, right! What’s his name?
Balthazar: [ defensive ] I don’t know his name!
Cop: You don’t know your friend’s name? Okay, I’m going to need to see some ID. Come on. Hand them over..
[ the Three Wise Men hand over their IDs in scrolls ]
Cop: [ unfolding a scroll and glancing at it ] Balthazar? It doesn’t even look like you at all.
Balthazar: It’s a old engraving! Before I had my beard!
Cop: Sure, it is. [ opens next scroll to check ] Melchior. You ever been arrested?
Melchior: No, I haven’t! You just pulled us over because we’re black! We’re not doing anything illegal! We’re just following the bright star in the East!
Cop: Following a bright star in the East? [ sniffs the air ] You guys been smoking reefer?
Balthazar: No, sir!
Cop: Well, what’s that smell, then?
Cop: Really? You seem pretty jumpy, for guys who aren’t doing anything wrong. Why is that.. [ reads final scroll ] ..Gaspar?
Gaspar: [ not paying attention ] Huh?! We’re just tired! Uh – by the way – I just met these guys!
Cop: Sure, you did. What you got in the bags?
Balthazar: ..It’s just some stuff!
Cop: You mind if I take a look?
Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!
Cop: Then, you won’t mind if I take a look, then.
Balthazar: All I got is some frankincinse!
Cop: [ to Melchior ] How about you, Chief?
Melchior: Some gold!
Cop: What’s in your sack there, Gaspar?
Gaspar: Just some myrrh..
Cop: Oh, myyrh. Hunkie! Is that kind of.. designer drug, or something?
Gaspar: No, sir.. it’s just some incense!
Cop: Alright.. let me get this straight, okay? You guys are driving around in the middle of the night, following a star, with gold and two bags of incense, to go see your friend, whose name you forgot! Is that pretty much it?
Cop: I’m going to need you to step down off the camel. Come on! Get up!
Gaspar: [ whining ] I don’t want to go to jail..!
Melchior: We’re not! Officer, this is some big misunderstanding! You see.. we’re Three Wise Men!
Cop: More like three wise guys. Now, step down, and keep those hands where I can see them, okay? Come on! Get down!
[ Angel appears hovering above the Three Wise Men ]
Angel: Fear not. I can explain all.
Cop: Balthazar, is this the friend you were planning on meeting?
Balthazar: I never seen this guy in my life!
Cop: You guys stay put for a second. [ shines his torch at the Angel ] What’s your story, buddy?
Angel: I am an angel, sent from Heaven!
Cop: Sure, you are. Look, uhhh.. it looks like you’ve been busy tonight – what’s that all over your robe?
Angel: [ hesitant ] Uh.. I don’t want to say, because it’ll sound bad.
Cop: Come on, what is it!
Angel: It’s, uh.. angel dust.
Cop: Okay, Mr. Angel! I’m gonna need you to put your hands on top your head, okay?
Melchior: He’s telling the truth! He’s an angel sent from Heaven!
Cop: Save it, Ace, okay? I’m arresting all four of you, alright? Come on!
Melchior: [ to the others ] Let’s get out of here!
[ Three Wise Men and the Angel scamper off quickly ]
Cop: Hey! Hey! Come back here! Stop, in the name of Herod! Stop!!
Announcer: The Three Kings are still at large. If you, or anyone you know, has seen them, please call us at: [ spelled in Roman numerals ] VVV-IIXI.
[ fade ]