SNL Transcripts: Rev. Al Sharpton: 12/06/03: Three Wise Men


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Three Wise Men

Melchior…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Balthazar…..Tracy Morgan
Gaspar…..Kenan Thompson
Cop…..Jimmy Fallon
Angel…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: “..And a star appeared in the East, over Bethlehem. Three Wise Men traveled on camel for many days, always following the bright star.”

[ dissolve to the Three Wise Men traveling through the desert on the dark night ]

Melchior: The star shines bright in the East.

Gaspar: It appears to be in the town of Bethlehen – near that stable. That must be where the King is to be born.

Melchior: Our long trip from the Orient is nearing an end.

Balthazar: Though we are three Wise men, the one we seek is even wiser than us. [ looks offscreen ] Uh-oh.

Melchior: What’s wrong.

Balthazar: It’s the cops! Whatever you do, don’t turn around!

[ sirens sound, as the other Wise Men turn to look ]

Cop: Pull over!

Balthazar: I told you guys not to look!

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Balthazar: Just be cool, I’ll handle it!

[ Cop pulls up on camel ]

Cop: Alright, hey. How you guys doing tonight? [ shines a torch into their eyes like a flashlight ]

Balthazar: We’re just fine, Officer.

Cop: Yeah, huh? Just fine, right? It seems a little late to be riding around, where you guys going?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] We’re just going up there!

Cop: Oh, yeah? What’s up there?

Melchior: Bethlehem! Why did you pull us over?

Cop: I-I noticed your right saddlebag is.. busted..

Melchior: No, it’s not!

Cop: Yeah, uh.. my mistake. So, anyway – why you going to Bethlehem?

Balthazar: We were sent to meet someone!

Cop: Meet someone, yeah, right! What’s his name?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] I don’t know his name!

Cop: You don’t know your friend’s name? Okay, I’m going to need to see some ID. Come on. Hand them over..

[ the Three Wise Men hand over their IDs in scrolls ]

Cop: [ unfolding a scroll and glancing at it ] Balthazar? It doesn’t even look like you at all.

Balthazar: It’s a old engraving! Before I had my beard!

Cop: Sure, it is. [ opens next scroll to check ] Melchior. You ever been arrested?

Melchior: No, I haven’t! You just pulled us over because we’re black! We’re not doing anything illegal! We’re just following the bright star in the East!

Cop: Following a bright star in the East? [ sniffs the air ] You guys been smoking reefer?

Balthazar: No, sir!

Cop: Well, what’s that smell, then?

Melchior: Frankincinse.

Cop: Really? You seem pretty jumpy, for guys who aren’t doing anything wrong. Why is that.. [ reads final scroll ] ..Gaspar?

Gaspar: [ not paying attention ] Huh?! We’re just tired! Uh – by the way – I just met these guys!

Cop: Sure, you did. What you got in the bags?

Balthazar: ..It’s just some stuff!

Cop: You mind if I take a look?

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Cop: Then, you won’t mind if I take a look, then.

Balthazar: All I got is some frankincinse!

Cop: [ to Melchior ] How about you, Chief?

Melchior: Some gold!

Cop: What’s in your sack there, Gaspar?

Gaspar: Just some myrrh..

Cop: Oh, myyrh. Hunkie! Is that kind of.. designer drug, or something?

Gaspar: No, sir.. it’s just some incense!

Cop: Alright.. let me get this straight, okay? You guys are driving around in the middle of the night, following a star, with gold and two bags of incense, to go see your friend, whose name you forgot! Is that pretty much it?

Balthazar: Yeah..

Cop: I’m going to need you to step down off the camel. Come on! Get up!

Gaspar: [ whining ] I don’t want to go to jail..!

Melchior: We’re not! Officer, this is some big misunderstanding! You see.. we’re Three Wise Men!

Cop: More like three wise guys. Now, step down, and keep those hands where I can see them, okay? Come on! Get down!

[ Angel appears hovering above the Three Wise Men ]

Angel: Fear not. I can explain all.

Cop: Balthazar, is this the friend you were planning on meeting?

Balthazar: I never seen this guy in my life!

Cop: You guys stay put for a second. [ shines his torch at the Angel ] What’s your story, buddy?

Angel: I am an angel, sent from Heaven!

Cop: Sure, you are. Look, uhhh.. it looks like you’ve been busy tonight – what’s that all over your robe?

Angel: [ hesitant ] Uh.. I don’t want to say, because it’ll sound bad.

Cop: Come on, what is it!

Angel: It’s, uh.. angel dust.

Cop: Okay, Mr. Angel! I’m gonna need you to put your hands on top your head, okay?

Melchior: He’s telling the truth! He’s an angel sent from Heaven!

Cop: Save it, Ace, okay? I’m arresting all four of you, alright? Come on!

Melchior: [ to the others ] Let’s get out of here!

[ Three Wise Men and the Angel scamper off quickly ]

Cop: Hey! Hey! Come back here! Stop, in the name of Herod! Stop!!

Announcer: The Three Kings are still at large. If you, or anyone you know, has seen them, please call us at: [ spelled in Roman numerals ] VVV-IIXI.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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