SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Dean For President 2004


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Dean For President 2004

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: The following is paid for by Dean For President 2004.

[ dissolve to Al Gore and Howard Dean sitting side by side ]

Al Gore: Hello. I’m Al Gore.

Howard Dean: And I’m howard Dean!

Al Gore: As I’m sure you’re all aware.. we are, to-day, a na-tion.. in cri-sis.. poised on the edge.. of ca-tas-tro-phe.. and without a change in leadership.. we are quite literally.. doomed. It is essential.. that we have a new.. president.. in 2004. A leader with the judgment.. courage.. and vision.. to change our nation’s course and save it.. from disaster. A leader.. like Vermont governor – and my friend – Howard Dean.

Howard Dean: Thank you!

Al Gore: That’s why I’m pleased – and proud – to give him my support for President of the United States.

Howard Dean: I’m honored, Mr. Vice-President!

Al Gore: Like you.. Howard Dean knows.. that, under our current asministration, life in america has been good mainly for the wealthy! For everyone else.. it’s a living, breathing nightmare. As Paul Krugman has pointed out in the New York Times.. George W. Bush is not only.. the worst president in american history.. he is the worst leader of any nation on Earth.. going back more than 500 years!

Howard Dean: Really? I mean.. I’m no fan of President Bush, but uh.. but what about Hitler?

Al Gore: Number Three.

Howard Dean: Pol Pot?

Al Gore: Number Six.

Howard Dean: [ scoffs ] I’m not sure I’d buy that.

Al Gore: Oh no, that’s accurate. It’s from Tuesday’s column. [ back to his sales pitch ] Like you, Howard Dean knows.. the wreckless.. foreign policy of the current administration has alienated our allies.. and left us in a hopeless quagmire in Iraq, where, quite frankly, our military’s looking like a bunch of incompetent.. cowardly.. losers!

Howard Dean: Let me just say that I, uh.. I have nothing but.. respect for our troops.

Al Gore: As President, only a Howard Dean.. could end this insanity. Only a Howard Dean.. could go to Saddam Hussein and say, “Look! Why are we fighting each other? Our real enemy.. is George.. W. Bush.”

Howard Dean: For the record, that is, uh.. not actually my position on Iraq, I.. don’t know where you got that..

Al Gore: In domestic policy, Howard Dean will show the same kind of leadership.. by calling for massive across-the-board tax increases.

Howard Dean: No.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Al Gore: Tax increases may not be popular.. but Howard Dean knows.. they’re essential. Essential! If we’re to fund the huge new government programs our nation needs!

Howard Dean: I never said that!

Al Gore: Now.. in this election.. you’re gonig to hear a lot from the right wing about gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Ix-nay, please. Ix-nay.

Al Gore: That’s because, under Governor Howard Dean, Vermont became the first state in the nation.. to recognize gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Civil unions, not gay marriage.

Al Gore: Basically the same thing.

Howard Dean: You’re not help-ing.

Al Gore: As President, only a howard Dean could have – or would have – the vision to make gay marriage a national policy.

Howard Dean: This isn’t helping.

Al Gore: Now, some people don’t approve of gay marriage, but I’m with Howard Dean. Why shouldn’t gays marry? They let people like George W. Bush get married!

Howard Dean: That doesn’t even make sense.

Al Gore: As our nation continues its downward spiral.. and Americans desperately cry out for leadership.. our current president can only tell us, “Don’t worry, we’ll be alright, God has blessed America.” Like you, Howard Dean.. knows.. that’s a crock!

Howard Dean: Actually, I’m a very religious person..

Al Gore: This November, let’s all put our faith.. in Howard Dean.

[ dissolve to ad card ]

Announcer: Paid for by Dean For President 2004. Opinions expressed by supporters of Dean For President 2004 do not necessarily reflect those of the candidate.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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