SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

TV Funhouse

…..Elijah Wood

[ open on President George W. Bush addressing members of the Air Force, dressed like a fighter pilot himself ]

President George W. Bush: Operation Iraqi Freedom was carried out with a precision.. speed.. and boldness.. the world had not seen before.

[ cut to Bush addressing members of the Army during their Thanksgiving dinner, dressed like a soldier himself ]

President George W. Bush: On this Thanksgiving, you and I have taken an oath.. to defend our country. We will win because our cause is just!

[ cut to Bush speaking with construction workers, dressed like one himself ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve worked to preserve thousands of jobs for America. Construction workers. I’ve called upon Congress to pass the Jobs & Growth package. And we’ve lowered taxes once again to create jobs.

[ cut to Bush speaking with senior citizens, dressed in a hospital gown and clutching a walker ]

President George W. Bush: Most seniors have got some form of prescription drug coverage from a private plan. This new Medicare bill I’m going to sign.. the seniors are plenty capable of making choices themselves.

[ cut to Bush speaking at an elementary school, dressed like a prattling schoolboy holding a giant sucker ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve got a brand new reading iniative, that says no child left behind. The budget boost funding, for elementary and secondary education. $53.1 billion.

[ cut to Bush speaking with NASA scientists, dressed like Mr. Spock ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve been a strong supporter of NASA. I do believe that the space program is important for our country, that it is trying to stay on the leading edge of technological change.

[ cut to Bush speaking to environmentalists, dressed like a tree, complete with live owl on his branch-shoulder ]

President George W. Bush: The healthy forest initiative.. environment legislation, placing stringent limits on the pollution that harms our water. Without sacrificing good jobs!

Owl: Hootsie said.. that’s a winner!

[ cut to Bush speaking to postal workers, dressed like a large, stamped envelope ]

President George W. Bush: This country prospers.. because of postal workers who give their.. best effort every day.. to make America a better place.

[ cut to Bush speaking with Africans, dressed like a monkey ]

President George W. Bush: The relationship between America and Africa.. will benefit both our people. On this journey I’ve also seen the economic potential of Africa. Botswana is a model of economic reform and has one of the highest sustained economic growth rates in the world. [ gorilla sneaks up beihnd bush and caresses him, Bush pushes the gorilla away to angry protests from the crowd ] Yet, far too many Africans still live in poverty. And providing effective and promoting.. providing effective aid, promoting free markets and the rule of law, and encouraging greater trade, we will help millions of Africans find more opportunity and a chance for a better life. [ gorilla returns, humping bush’s backside ] In Botswana, I visited one of our new hubs for global competitiveness that is helping African businesses sell —

[ cut to Bush addressing the crowd at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree, dressed like Jesus ]

President George W. Bush: And now, as an expression of hope in this Christmas season, we light the tree. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.

[ Bush pushes the lever, but the lights don’t turn on ]

President George W. Bush: We light the tree.

[ Bush again pushes the lever, but no lights come on ]

President George W. Bush: ..light the tree.

[ Bush pushes the level one last time, as two lone lights finally shine on the tree ]

President George W. Bush: The fellows responsible for these crimes will pay a serious price. Wherever they are, we will hunt them down, one by one!

[ the group breaks into song ]

“We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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