SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Hardball


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet


Chris Matthews…Darrell Hammond
Joe Lieberman…Chris Parnell
Hillary Clinton…Amy Poehler
Carol Moseley Braun…Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! Al Gore sends shockwaves through the democratic party this week by endorsing Vermont governor Howard Dean. Dean’s camp is thrilled, but come on, Al Gore endorsing your campaign? Isn’t this a little like Star Jones endorsing your diet plan? You gotta ask, does Howard Dean give the democrats the best chance to win, or is there another candidate out there who could energize this party? With us today to discuss it, Joe Lieberman!

Joe Lieberman: Chris, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Chris Matthews: God, you’ve said, like, five words and I’m already bored to death! Also joining us, the very mention of her name sends Rush Limbaugh stampeding for the Mexican pharmacy, please welcome Senator Hillary Clinton!

Hillary Clinton: It’s really nice to be here Chris.

Chris Matthews: Joe Lieberman, you couldn’t get an endorsement from your former runningmate, you gotta feel more betrayed than the people who paid ten bucks to see “From Justin to Kelly”

Joe Lieberman: Well Chris, it did sting a little when my former running mate endorsed Howard Dean. And yes, I was disappointed when my wife Hadassah endorsed Wesley Clark. And yes, I was a little miffed when my rabbi announced he was supporting Al Sharpton. But I’m just trying to focus on my campaign, and not the fact that my dog keeps using the Lieberman ’04 campaign signs in my front yard as a toilet.

Chris Matthews: I haven’t seen someone lose this much support since Pamela Anderson broke a bra strap. Hillary Clinotn, you’re not officially in this race, but many people believe that if you declared right now, you’d be the democratic front-runner. Are you in or out?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, I don’t know how many times I have to say this, I am absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not running for president probably.

Chris Matthews: So you’re running?

Hillary Clinton: Definitely not. Maybe

Chris Matthews: So there’s a chance?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, for the last time, no, no, no, no, n…maybe, no.

Chris Matthews: You’re about as hard to read as Jessica Simpsons’ autobiography. Joining us now to talk about the race for the white house is an actual candidate who has about as much to win the presidency as Carol Moseley Braun…please welcome Carol Moseley Braun!

Carol Moseley Braun: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Miss Braun, if you were to win the nomination, and understand, we’re talking about a bizarro wold, upside-down, parallel universe where such things are possible…

Carol Moseley Braun: Naturally.

Chris Matthews: I mean, even you have to admit, there’s literally no chance of you being elected.

Carol Moseley Braun: Of course.

Chris Matthews: But if you were to win, what would you bring to the table that would democrat or energize this party?

Carol Moseley Braun: I’ll tell you what I would bring Chris. Diversity. I am African-American, and a woman. But the diversity doesn’t stop there. Joe Lieberman is Jewish. So am I! As of two days ago. Shalom, everybody. Wesley Clark was a general. Big deal! I have begun taking karate lessons, so that someday, I can become a ninja. I represent the new face of America, Chris: The female, black, Jewish ninja face. [Makes karate chop motions]

Chris Matthews: That’s a good point. Wait, no, it’s the dumbest thing I ever heard! Hillary Clinton, if you did run, you’d like your chances against these freaks!

Hillary Clinton: Well Chris, I’m simply not going to run. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could swoop in at the democratic convention and make a huge splash announcing my candidacy. And it’s conceivable that I have already assembled an all-star shadow cabinet, consisting of John McCain, Tom Hanks, Rudy Giuliani, Bruce Springsteen, and Tiger Woods. But it’s simply not gonna happen. [Winks at the camera]

Joe Lieberman: Uh, can…can I just say something here Chris. If you’re looking for someone who can energize the party, Joe Lieberman is that cat. I am a hardcore, hip-hop, rock ‘n roll candidate. I bring in the noise, and provided that it is fiscally responsible, I shall bring in the funk as well. And that, my fellow Americans, is fo’ shizzle.

Chris Matthews: Yike-aroo. You’re starting to make Al Gore look like Kid Rock. When we come back, Hilary Clinton is gonna show us the drapes she’s picked out for the Lincoln bedroom. You’re watching “Hardball”, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Submitted by: David Plotkin

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x