SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Rialto Grande


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Rialto Grande

Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan
Lanny Petillo…..Elijah Wood
Ronnie Calzoon…..Jimmy Fallon
Mackey…..Fred Armisen

[Anouncer enters stage]

Ronnie Calzoon: And now coming to you live from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grand, just shy of the Vegas Strip it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is his old pal Ronnie “the zipper” Calzoon, saying the only thing this guy wants for Christmas is to get his bells jingled. Here’s Buddy Mills!

Buddy Mills: [pulls a fake candy cane out of his pants and laughs]. Hello Las Vegas Nevada! [laughs] Hey, is it–is it Christmas Eve yet ’cause the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Right next to my wife’s bra and girdle. Ha! I don’t know what I just– wait and I can’t!

[points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]

Anyway I just did some holiday shopping. Have you heard about this? Holiday Shopping? Apparently–

Mackey: [late rim shot]

Buddy Mills: [stands looking at camera for a few moments speechless]

Apparently Victoria’s Secret’s got a great sale going on. Everything’s half off. [Laughs Wildly] What? I just did something. It came out– I can’t!

[Points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]

Anyway, I’m telling you something, my wife tried on one of those thongs–

Mackey: [late rim shot]

Buddy Mills: [looks over to Mackey] Mackey on drums everybody.


Anyway my wife tried to wear one of those thongs. It looked like a bookmark in the middle of “War and Peace.” [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know–wait–I don’t–I can’t!

[Points to Mackey waiting for rim shot. Nothing.]

So Mackey, what do you want for Christmas?

Mackey: [Says Nothing]

Buddy Mills: Ok I’ll get right on that. Ok we got a great show tonight. I do apologize for the smell. I have no idea what it is either. But we do have a terrific show–

Mackey: Craftsman cordless drill with Trim Saw!

Buddy Mills: [Looks over to him speechless. Turns back.] Anyway I was getting my first social security check the same day tonight’s guest hit puberty. He’s the youngest hottest comic on the Strip. The only thing better than that is the youngest hottest striper on the comic. [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t– wait, there’s an Ad Lib somewhere comin’ out. Please welcome Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo!

Lanny Petillo: Hey Buddy! There’s a cop in the lobby lookin’ for you. Says something about you and this German guy named Check Fraud. Ouch!

Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly and makes throaty noises] That is Hysterical.

Lanny Petillo: You all right there Buddy?

Buddy Mills: I can’t take it already. This guy, I got to tell you, this guy– he’s caused– you’ve cause quite a stir up over at the Mandaly Bay. You’re really– you’re really– you’re really– you’re really packing them in aren’t you?

Lanny Petillo: Well that’s what your proctologist says. Ouch, Ouch!

Buddy Mills: [laughing Wildly] Ha! Ha! I can’t! Well, Lanny, how did you– I have a question for you– how did you get your star– your start– your start as a comic?

Lanny Petillo: Well I think it was prom night when I dropped my pants and my girlfriend laughed for four hours! Double Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark!

Buddy Mills: [laughs Wildly] Ha! Ha! My Prostate. Unbelievable. You’re on fire tonight. Wow you’re parents– [laughs]– You’re parents– they must be– no seriously, they must really proud of you.

Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they come to all my shows and laugh their asses off. And my Mom better keep laughing ’cause she’s got a big ass! I love you Mom! Just kidding.

Buddy Mills: [Laughs making throaty noises] Oh so your parents are they– are they– are they here tonight?

Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they never miss a show.

Buddy Mills: Oh no kidding? That’s amazing.

Lanny Petillo: Yea

Buddy Mills: I got to meet the people responsible for this little rat. Where are they?

Lanny Petillo: Uh, they’re in the back somewhere.

Buddy Mills: Stand up Mr. and Mrs. Petillo, please. Willy get a light on them back there where are ya at? go ahead.

Lanny Petillo: Forget it Buddy, they’re shy.

Buddy Mills: No come on. Raise your hand. Raise your hand.

Lanny Petillo: Look! They’re not back there! They’re not even here!

[gets a sad face and cries in Buddy’s arms]

Buddy Mills: [starts shushing him comforting]

Lanny Petillo: I’m just tired of feelin’ sad.

Buddy Mills: I know how you feel. You know, a clown’s sad face is just painted on, right? But when you take the makeup off, that clown’s face is just sad.

Lanny Petillo: My parents have never seen me perform. I never even knew my dad. My Mom took off when I was sixteen ’cause she said she had to find a man that would love her forever. If she only knew that, that man was me.

Mackey: [Rim shot at the wrong time]

Buddy and Lanny: [Look over to Mackey speechless. Buddy notions for him to quit it. Lanny looks back to Buddy]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody!


I’m sorry go on.

Lanny Petillo: I guess I just–

Mackey: [interrupts] And if that’s out of stock then a Campbell Hausefield eight-gallon air compressor.

Buddy and Lanny: [look over once again speechless. Lanny turns back to Buddy]

Buddy Mills: Look, listen, seriously, listen kid [breaks down] if you– if you– if you– if you need a dad– if you need a dad, I’m– I’m here for you.

Lanny Pestillo: Ok Buddy, But don’t get all Michael Jackson on me. Next thing you’re gonna invite me over to play “How many Plums do I have in my Pocket?” Ouch! That stung. That really stung.

Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I just think I dribbled my drawers.

[Gets up with Lanny]

Hey! It’s the holidays though. It’s time for friends to stick together and keep each other strong. Don’t you think?

Lanny Pestillo: That’s Right.

Buddy and Lanny: [Singing]“Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell rock
Jingle Bell swing and Jingle bell ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the Jingle hop has begun.”

[Singing stops]

Buddy Mills: Thanks for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo for the laughs and the tears. Mackey on drums, of course. And if you’re making out with Santa remember that Ho means Ho. [laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know what– I just did it again. I can’t!

Buddy and Lanny: [Singing]“That’s the Jingle Bell
That’s the Jingle Bell
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock!!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: TheRoxburyGrl

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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