SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Elijah Wood’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Elijah Wood’s Monologue

…..Elijah Wood
Gollum…..Chris Kattan

Elijah Wood: Aw, thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is something that I’ve dreamed about doing my whole life, and actually being here on this stage feels a little surreal. I guess I have “Lord of the Rings” to thank for that. The experience of making those movies was incredible, but.. I’ve been playing Frodo since 1999. [ laughs ] I think this is the first time in four years that I’ve actually worn shoes on camera! But I’ll miss it, the cast was great —

[ “Lord of the Rings” theme pots up, as Gollum appears on a rock next to Elijah ]

Gollum: Master!! Master, there you arrrrrrre!!

Elijah Wood: Gollum, everybody. [ to Gollum ] I told you to wait in the Gren Room.

Gollum: Gollum tried, but Jay-Z in theres, and with the entorouge! [ mimes smoking a joint ] Gollum get contact high!

Elijah Wood: Well.. I’m sorry to hear that Gollum, but you have to run along. This is kind of my monologue here.

Gollum: I knowwww!! But Gollum here to help! Gollum loves the Saturday Night Liveses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Gollum hates the Saturday Night Livesessss!!!! Sketches go on way too long, and never have endingsesesssss!!! [ turns back to normal ] No-o-o-o-o-o! That’s not tru-u-u-u-ue!! Such a talented cast! The Tinsa Fey.. a-a-and the other peopleses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Everyone knows the show’s been sucking wind ever since Chris Kattan left!!

Elijah Wood: Uh.. I think that’s about enough, Gollum —

Gollum: Okay, Gollum go now! But, first – Gollum like to get in one quick plug! Gollum and Master have new project in the works!

Elijah Wood: Oh, not that, Gollum.. I told you, that was a favor!

Gollum: Oh, please, Master! Tell them! Tell them, tell, them, tell them..!!

Elijah Wood: Alright! [ to the audience ] Look, Gollum wrote a sitcom pilot for the two of us. But every network passed.

Gollum: UPN gave us a “Maybe!”

Elijah Wood: Alright. Basically, the idea is that, before they make it to Mordor, Frodo and Gollum decide to move to Denver and share an apartment together.

Gollum: Gollum have the clip ready! Really! Need no set-up! Roll it, Beth!

[ clip begins, with SUPER: “A Hard Hobbit to Break” ]

[ Frodo and Gollum on side of road with “Denver or Bust” sign, waving at passing truck ]“Kickin’ the dust of the road off your shoes
City lights callin’ your name.”

[ Frodo and Gollum get stuck in door jamb while entering apartment simultaneously ]“You only get one shot
You know it’s time to take it.”

[ Frodo opens door to empty fridge, Gollum chews on dead fish and shrugs ]“Gonna live our vows
No way you’re gonna fake it.”

[ Frodo and Gollum chase each other through the apartment on roller skates ]“Flying high on the wings of tomorrow!”

[ Frodo turns around with coffee mug, with SUPER: “Elijah Wood as Frodo” ]

“Soar away on the power of your dreams!”

[ Frodo is annoyed by Gollum playing the drums in the front room ] [ Gollum combs his few hairs in the mirror, with SUPER: “Featuring Gollum as Himself ]

“Keep your head up high
Your eye on the prize.”

[ Frodo and Gollum on the couch playing video games ]

“Don’t let the turkeys get you down.”

[ pet dog, with SUPER: “George Carlin as the Voice of ‘Baxter'” ] [ Gollum knocks over the bookcase, as Frodo tries to save the day ]

“Sometimes when you reach the end of the road.”

[ Gollum and Frodo open adjacent doors to the apartment and crash into one another, laughing ]

“You’ve only just begun.”

[ fade back to Home Base ]

Gollum: That’s what Gollum calls Must See TVsesesss!!!

Elijah Wood: Well, maybe you’re right.. maybe it has some possibilities. [ turns face to speak in an evil tone ] Nooooo!! It stinks!

Gollum: Oh, Master.. that’s co-o-o-o-old!!

Elijah Wood: We’ll talk later, Gollum. Alright. We have a great show, Jet is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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