SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Queer Eye For The Straight Guy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

Jai Rodriguez…..Elijah Wood
Ted Allen…..Fred Armisen
Thom Filicia…..Chris Parnell
Carson Kressley…..Jimmy Fallon
Kyan Douglas…..Seth Meyers
Santa Claus…..Horatio Sanz
Mrs. Claus…..Rachel Dratch

Anouncer: This Christmas on Bravo: you’ll never guess who the Fab Five are making over!

[ Queer Eye cast members enter Santa Claus’ workshop and surround him ]

Jai Rodriguez: Oh, my God! Look at this place, it’s a dump!

Ted Allen: Hmm.. what is this? [ holds up a whip ]

Thom Filicia: Uh-oh! Houston, we have a pervert!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s Rudolph’s whip!

Carson Kressley: Lucky Rudolph! [ giggles ] [ Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez surround Santa Claus, touching his beard ]

Santa Claus: Ho ho haw! Oh, boy! I’m very uncomfortable..

Announcer: This Tuesday, the guys from “Queer Eye” drop in on ol’ Kris Kringle and become Santa’s little helpers – Santa’s little gay helpers!

[ SUPER: “Jai Rodriguez: Culture” ]

Jai Rodriguez: I want you to take time out, to make eye contact with your wife. Okay?

Santa Claus: Sure.

Jai Rodriguez: Let’s practice our eye contact, right now!

[ Jai stares intensely at an uncomfortable Santa Claus ]

Santa Claus: Okay, I got it.. anything else?

Jai Rodriguez: Nooo.. that’s about all I do!

Announcer: Wait until Little Carson takes a peek into Santa’s closet. Will he be naughty, or nice?

[ SUPER: “Carson Kressley: Fashion” ]

Carson Kressley: Red suits.. red suits.. This closet’s full of red suits! What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Yeah, this is like Nancy Reagan’s maternity wear! I mean, there’s nothing here to jsss! I can’t jsss anything! So, just jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Feed this to the reindeer – bye!

Announcer: America’s favorite homosexuals take on ol’ Saint Nick. Will this holiday season ever be the same?

[ SUPER: “Kyan Douglas: Grooming” ]

Kyan Douglas: How long have you had the beard?

Santa Claus: Well, let’s see… 1,700 years!

Kyan Douglas: I want you to think about.. shaving it.

Santa Claus: ..O-kay..

Kyan Douglas: Trust me, it’s gonna take, like, 200 years off.

Santa Claus: Okay, if you think it will.

Kyan Douglas: Give me, a hug!

[ they hug, Santa is uncomfortable ]

Kyan Douglas: Remember: always shave with the grain of the face. I love you!

Announcer: If you think you know Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from “Queer Eye” jsss him up! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And he’s glam-tastic!

[ Queer Guys crowd around the couch with glasses of wine to watch their new and improved Santa Claus work his chair on television ]

Thom Filicia: Here we go, guys, I’m so excited!

Carson Kressley: Ohhh!

Together: Ohhh! Oh, gosh!

[ Santa Claus, clean-shaven and redressed, steps up to Mrs. Claus and the children ]

Awww, he’s so adorable!

Carson Kressley: Look at that – she’s a little spitfire, that one!

Jai Rodriguez: She’s so adorable, yoy guys!

Carson Kressley: He jsssed! He jsssed! I told him to jsss, and he jsssed. I told him to!

Ted Allen: She cannot take her eyes off of him!

Jai Rodriguez: You see that, guys? They’re making eye contact! They just made eye contact! I am useful!

Kyan Douglas: She’s like, uh.. “Let me check out that Christmas package!”

Carson Kressley: Yeah! She wants to get some of that South Pole!

[ they laugh ]

Mrs. Claus: This is the Santa I married!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Kid: Hey, you’re not Santa! You look like Kathy Bates!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Don that gay apparel! We did it again, guys! We did it again! Yay!

[ they toast their glasses to one another ]

Announcer: Next Tuesday at 10: tune in for the new “Queer Eye”, following the “Queer Eye” marathon on Bravo!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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