Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 8
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
Jai Rodriguez…..Elijah Wood
Ted Allen…..Fred Armisen
Thom Filicia…..Chris Parnell
Carson Kressley…..Jimmy Fallon
Kyan Douglas…..Seth Meyers
Santa Claus…..Horatio Sanz
Mrs. Claus…..Rachel Dratch
Anouncer: This Christmas on Bravo: you’ll never guess who the Fab Five are making over![ Queer Eye cast members enter Santa Claus’ workshop and surround him ]
Jai Rodriguez: Oh, my God! Look at this place, it’s a dump!
Ted Allen: Hmm.. what is this? [ holds up a whip ]
Thom Filicia: Uh-oh! Houston, we have a pervert!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s Rudolph’s whip!
Carson Kressley: Lucky Rudolph! [ giggles ] [ Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez surround Santa Claus, touching his beard ]
Santa Claus: Ho ho haw! Oh, boy! I’m very uncomfortable..
Announcer: This Tuesday, the guys from “Queer Eye” drop in on ol’ Kris Kringle and become Santa’s little helpers – Santa’s little gay helpers![ SUPER: “Jai Rodriguez: Culture” ]
Jai Rodriguez: I want you to take time out, to make eye contact with your wife. Okay?
Santa Claus: Sure.
Jai Rodriguez: Let’s practice our eye contact, right now![ Jai stares intensely at an uncomfortable Santa Claus ]
Santa Claus: Okay, I got it.. anything else?
Jai Rodriguez: Nooo.. that’s about all I do!
Announcer: Wait until Little Carson takes a peek into Santa’s closet. Will he be naughty, or nice?[ SUPER: “Carson Kressley: Fashion” ]
Carson Kressley: Red suits.. red suits.. This closet’s full of red suits! What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!
Carson Kressley: Yeah, this is like Nancy Reagan’s maternity wear! I mean, there’s nothing here to jsss! I can’t jsss anything! So, just jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Feed this to the reindeer – bye!
Announcer: America’s favorite homosexuals take on ol’ Saint Nick. Will this holiday season ever be the same?[ SUPER: “Kyan Douglas: Grooming” ]
Kyan Douglas: How long have you had the beard?
Santa Claus: Well, let’s see… 1,700 years!
Kyan Douglas: I want you to think about.. shaving it.
Santa Claus: ..O-kay..
Kyan Douglas: Trust me, it’s gonna take, like, 200 years off.
Santa Claus: Okay, if you think it will.
Kyan Douglas: Give me, a hug![ they hug, Santa is uncomfortable ]
Kyan Douglas: Remember: always shave with the grain of the face. I love you!
Announcer: If you think you know Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from “Queer Eye” jsss him up! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And he’s glam-tastic![ Queer Guys crowd around the couch with glasses of wine to watch their new and improved Santa Claus work his chair on television ]
Thom Filicia: Here we go, guys, I’m so excited!
Carson Kressley: Ohhh!
Together: Ohhh! Oh, gosh![ Santa Claus, clean-shaven and redressed, steps up to Mrs. Claus and the children ]
Awww, he’s so adorable!
Carson Kressley: Look at that – she’s a little spitfire, that one!
Jai Rodriguez: She’s so adorable, yoy guys!
Carson Kressley: He jsssed! He jsssed! I told him to jsss, and he jsssed. I told him to!
Ted Allen: She cannot take her eyes off of him!
Jai Rodriguez: You see that, guys? They’re making eye contact! They just made eye contact! I am useful!
Kyan Douglas: She’s like, uh.. “Let me check out that Christmas package!”
Carson Kressley: Yeah! She wants to get some of that South Pole![ they laugh ]
Mrs. Claus: This is the Santa I married!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Kid: Hey, you’re not Santa! You look like Kathy Bates!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!
Carson Kressley: Don that gay apparel! We did it again, guys! We did it again! Yay![ they toast their glasses to one another ]
Announcer: Next Tuesday at 10: tune in for the new “Queer Eye”, following the “Queer Eye” marathon on Bravo!