SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

Jai Rodriguez…..Elijah Wood
Ted Allen…..Fred Armisen
Thom Filicia…..Chris Parnell
Carson Kressley…..Jimmy Fallon
Kyan Douglas…..Seth Meyers
Santa Claus…..Horatio Sanz
Mrs. Claus…..Rachel Dratch

Anouncer: This Christmas on Bravo: you’ll never guess who the Fab Five are making over!

[ Queer Eye cast members enter Santa Claus’ workshop and surround him ]

Jai Rodriguez: Oh, my God! Look at this place, it’s a dump!

Ted Allen: Hmm.. what is this? [ holds up a whip ]

Thom Filicia: Uh-oh! Houston, we have a pervert!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s Rudolph’s whip!

Carson Kressley: Lucky Rudolph! [ giggles ] [ Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez surround Santa Claus, touching his beard ]

Santa Claus: Ho ho haw! Oh, boy! I’m very uncomfortable..

Announcer: This Tuesday, the guys from “Queer Eye” drop in on ol’ Kris Kringle and become Santa’s little helpers – Santa’s little gay helpers!

[ SUPER: “Jai Rodriguez: Culture” ]

Jai Rodriguez: I want you to take time out, to make eye contact with your wife. Okay?

Santa Claus: Sure.

Jai Rodriguez: Let’s practice our eye contact, right now!

[ Jai stares intensely at an uncomfortable Santa Claus ]

Santa Claus: Okay, I got it.. anything else?

Jai Rodriguez: Nooo.. that’s about all I do!

Announcer: Wait until Little Carson takes a peek into Santa’s closet. Will he be naughty, or nice?

[ SUPER: “Carson Kressley: Fashion” ]

Carson Kressley: Red suits.. red suits.. This closet’s full of red suits! What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Yeah, this is like Nancy Reagan’s maternity wear! I mean, there’s nothing here to jsss! I can’t jsss anything! So, just jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Feed this to the reindeer – bye!

Announcer: America’s favorite homosexuals take on ol’ Saint Nick. Will this holiday season ever be the same?

[ SUPER: “Kyan Douglas: Grooming” ]

Kyan Douglas: How long have you had the beard?

Santa Claus: Well, let’s see… 1,700 years!

Kyan Douglas: I want you to think about.. shaving it.

Santa Claus: ..O-kay..

Kyan Douglas: Trust me, it’s gonna take, like, 200 years off.

Santa Claus: Okay, if you think it will.

Kyan Douglas: Give me, a hug!

[ they hug, Santa is uncomfortable ]

Kyan Douglas: Remember: always shave with the grain of the face. I love you!

Announcer: If you think you know Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from “Queer Eye” jsss him up! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And he’s glam-tastic!

[ Queer Guys crowd around the couch with glasses of wine to watch their new and improved Santa Claus work his chair on television ]

Thom Filicia: Here we go, guys, I’m so excited!

Carson Kressley: Ohhh!

Together: Ohhh! Oh, gosh!

[ Santa Claus, clean-shaven and redressed, steps up to Mrs. Claus and the children ]

Awww, he’s so adorable!

Carson Kressley: Look at that – she’s a little spitfire, that one!

Jai Rodriguez: She’s so adorable, yoy guys!

Carson Kressley: He jsssed! He jsssed! I told him to jsss, and he jsssed. I told him to!

Ted Allen: She cannot take her eyes off of him!

Jai Rodriguez: You see that, guys? They’re making eye contact! They just made eye contact! I am useful!

Kyan Douglas: She’s like, uh.. “Let me check out that Christmas package!”

Carson Kressley: Yeah! She wants to get some of that South Pole!

[ they laugh ]

Mrs. Claus: This is the Santa I married!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Kid: Hey, you’re not Santa! You look like Kathy Bates!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Don that gay apparel! We did it again, guys! We did it again! Yay!

[ they toast their glasses to one another ]

Announcer: Next Tuesday at 10: tune in for the new “Queer Eye”, following the “Queer Eye” marathon on Bravo!

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