SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
John Mayer…..Jimmy Fallon
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Bobby-Christina Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Bobby Brown…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Al Gore, this week, officially endorsed Howard Dean for President. The news was extremely disappointing to Joe Lieberman and Howard Dean.

Last Sunday marked the 62nd Anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. President Bush marked the occasion with a White House ceremony, while the Bush twins marked the occasion by downing 8 kamikazes.

Tina Fey: The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has mortgaged its Cathedral to finance a nearly 90 million dollar settlement with victims of clergy sexual abuse. The Archdiocese said, “I know that seems like a lot of money…but it was worth it.”

It was announced Tuesday that Queen Elizabeth will undergo surgery to remove torn cartilage from her left knee. And then it’s “look out WNBA!”

Jimmy Fallon: Ashton Kutcher says he’s ending his series “Punk’d”. More bad news for anyone disappointed by this: you’re a moron.

Tina Fey: E! is reporting that Britney Spears has developed a habit of throwing up in club bathrooms after drinking. All part of the mysterious teachings of.. the Kaballah! (creepy music starts the play, and Tina starts making hand gestures)

During a 20/20 interview with Joe and Katherine Jackson when they were asked which one of their 8 children is the most talented, Jackson replied, “It would be Michael, it would be Jermaine, and it would be Janet.” Then he added, “Now if the question was ‘Who was that most talented at refrigerator repair and data processing?’, it would be Marlon, Randy, Rebe and Tito.”

Tina Fey: And now ladies and gentlemen, Weekend Update is proud to present a special holiday wish from Grammy award winning Recording artist John Mayer.

John Mayer: Thank you very much. Happy holidays everyone. I hope you like this little holiday song I wrote. (begins playing guitar) la blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah. Ooooh… oooooooooooooooh, Ooooh… oooooooooooooooh. La blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah… Christmas presents. Thank you, thank you very much.

Tina Fey: John Mayer, everybody. John Mayer!

After being charged with battery this week, Bobby Brown surrendered to police. Brown says he’s sorry for hitting his wife Whitney Houston, saying, “but, damn, woman, you just don’t disrespect a man’s sandwich like that!”

President Bush this week reiterated his decision to award lucrative Iraq rebuilding contracts only to countries who participated in the war. Bush said, “Friendly coalition folks risked their lives, and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that.” That’s right. We should reward the brave American businessmen and businesswomen who fought so hard to free Iraq from evil. (patriotic music starts) Let us not forget the brave Halliburton executives that stormed Baghdad , guns at the ready. Or the fearless Nextel CFO who threw himself on a grenade yelling, “Win this for Democracy!” Or the brave platoon of Goldman-Sachs bond traders who patrol the dark alleys of Tikrit rooting out insurgents. Yes, it is these men who deserve the spoils. And it is these men who shall get them! So go screw yourselves, French and German businessmen-American businessmen are the true heroes! (patriotic music stops)

Jimmy Fallon: New Jersey opened its first bear hunt in 33 years Monday, but protesters say there are alternatives to killing the animals including sterilization. After hearing this the bears went.. (makes hand gestures to indicate scales)

Tina Fey: The Food and Drug administration will decide next week whether to allow the so-called “morning after” contraceptive pill to be sold over the counter.

Jimmy Fallon: Not till next week?

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s what I just said, next week.

Jimmy Fallon: So, ah…what are we gonna do?

Tina Fey: I don’t know, I guess we’re gonna have this baby. (throws pencil, then crosses arms)

Jimmy Fallon: Two high schools in Portland, Oregon have banned pacifiers over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban Ecstasy.

Tina Fey: Now it’s time for a segment called “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”

Jimmy Fallon: Thousands of people in Sierra Leone this week rioted when two dwarf comedians took the stage for a show instead of the expected act which was a different dwarf comedy duo. So people of Sierra Leone, heres what you did: you went to see a dwarf comedy duo, and instead you got a different dwarf comedy duo, so you rioted… that’s what you did.

Tina Fey: This has been “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”

Jimmy Fallon: A growing number of cities across the countries are presenting a gay-friendly image to lure lesbian and gay travellers, including Philadelphia, Newhaven and Bloomington, Indiana, whose new slogan is “Come Out and Play.” While New Jersey is sticking with their ambiguous slogan: “Suck On This America.”

Tina Fey: Well this week has been a difficult week for singer Whitney Houston. As we said she has had some domestic issues with her husband. But this week she is honoring her commitment to be here tonight.

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, here with a special holiday treat, please welcome Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobby-Christina Brown.

Whitney: Thank you so very much! Ladies and gentlemen, my daughter Bobby-Christina!! Say hello baby.

Bobby-Christina: Hello.

Whitney: Bobby-Christina is the most beautiful baby in R&B. I love you baby, are you ready? Let’s go baby, stand up straight, take the mic.

(music starts to play)

Whitney: Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go…

Bobby-Christina: “Come they told me par-rump-a-pum-pum…”

Whitney: Sing it baby.

“A newborn king to see par-rump-a-pum-pum.
Our finest gifts we bring par-rump-a-pum-pum
To lay before the king
par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum…
So to honor him par-rump-a-pum-pum, when we come…”

Whitney: Special baby… (steals the microphone and pushes Bobby-Christina out of the picture then sings the rest of the song)

Bobby: I love you baby!

Whitney: I love you too baby! Ladies and gentlemen, my husband Bobby Brown! Yeah! We had our problems, we had our fights, but we always re-unite, we are like Simon and Garfunkel.

Bobby: You’re my Garfunkel baby…

Whitney: You’re my Garfunkel baby!! (they stretch arms out to each other) I would like to kiss my husband right now, but the police says he must stay at least 6 feet away from me at all times.

Bobby: At ALL times…

Whitney: Oh baby…

Bobby-Christina: Mommy, are we going to sing some more?

Whitney: No we gotta go baby, I’m really high right now. Mommy is flying, get your coat.

Bobby-Christina: Yes mommy.

Tina Fey: The Brown family everybody!

Whitney Houston: Merry Christmas everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jimmy Fallon: Merry Christmas! (throws his pencil to the camera)

Tina Fey: Happy holidays!

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x