SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Versace Egg Nog



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8


03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Versace Egg Nog

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Boy George…..Elijah Wood
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

(Does a close-up of Donatella in a chimney wiggling her legs, then she steps out)

Donatella Versace: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. What the frig? Jiminy Christmas, that chimney is dirtier than Elton John’s fudge tunnel! Hello, I’m Donatella Versace. Are you looking for something to put your booze in this Christmas? Well how about egg nog, by Donatella Versace?

(Walks over and sits down on a couch. Two men come behind the couch holding trays. One is holding a wine glass, the other is holding a bottle of egg nog.)

Donatella Versace: I know what you’re thinking. Designer egg nog, who wants that? You do smartass! My egg nog is just like crappy old egg nog, except I infused it with a hint of nicotine, and a little bit of self-tanner. Cheers. (Takes a sip of egg nog from glass, and spits it out) Oh wait, I forgot. I don’t swallow food! Well here’s someone else you can trust when it comes to egg nog, BOY GEORGEEEEEEEE!

(Elijah walks out in a suit, is bald, and his face is almost completely covered in black and red face paint. He and Donatella kiss each other on both cheeks)

Boy George: Ooh. I love this egg nog. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a designer to make egg nog.

(Donatella looks over at him)

Versace: Ahhhhhhhhh! What’s wrong with your face?!

Boy George: Oh. Isn’t it fantastic?

Donatella Versace: Give me a minute…I’m thinking…still thinking…oh wait I got it…NO!

Boy George: Do you know what else I love?

Donatella Versace: I’m on pins and needles.

Boy George: Donatella Versace’s egg nog.

Donatella Versace: Ooh. So don’t just stand there in the crazy, sing something you creep.

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“Does this egg nog want to hurt me?
Does this egg nog want to make me cry?”

Donatella Versace: Sing to me egg nog some more, come on.

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“I’ll tumble for nog, I’ll tumble for nog
I’ll tumble for Versace Egg Nog.”

Donatella Versace: Have you got anything else?

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“Dona, Dona, Dona, Donatella Versace Egg Nog,
It comes and goes, it comes and goes.”

(Rosie O’Donnell walks in unsuspected carrying a bottle of Versace Egg Nog)

Rosie O’Donnell: Did somebody say egg nog?!

Donatella Versace: Oh no. Rosie O’Donnell, are you here to sue me or adopt me?

Rosie O’Donnell: Hey Donatella, I’m producing Boy George in my new musical Taboo. The only thing that can relieve that kind of stress is gulping down gallons and gallons of Versace Egg Nog.

(Turns bottle upside-down into mouth, and egg nog spills all over Rosie’s clothes)

Donatella Versace: You know…Rosie…

Boy George: Cheers.

Donatella Versace: You know Rosie, I mean this from the bottom of my heart I really do, you are one crazy Dona-bumper. Now both of you please, GET OUT!!!! No wait, no don’t, stay.

(Boy George and Rosie come back to Donatella’s side)

(Announcer singing)

Announcer: “Star show Christmas ride, with Versace Egg Nog!”

Donatella Versace: And tell your old egg nog to…get out.

Announcer: Sold exclusively at Barney’s.

Submitted by: PiscesGyrl3191

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