SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Wake Up Wakefield



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8


03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Greg…..Elijah Wood
Mr. B…..Heratio Sanz

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”; fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: It’s 7:55 a.m. and we are live from the Audio-Visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host Sheldon.

Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Hey.

Megan: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera shows the band, only six people are shown ]

Sheldon: Sounding cherry as always. You guys can blow. We’ll be hearing from them later in the program.

Megan: That’s right Sheldon, cuz today’s show is all about music – musical taste, musical styles, and rising stars such as my fav-or-ite singer and live-in lover-to-be, Mr. Clayton Grissom Aiken. [ Holds up picture collage of Clay ] Sup Freckles? I love you. [ Licks poster ]

Sheldon: Um, in honor of Music Day, we conducted a poll of Wakefield students’ fave bands of 2003. I think the results will surprise you. 177 of you chose Eminem, who, by the way, doesn’t even play an instrument.

Megan: ..Or sing like an angel. Eminem is like the poor man’s cursing Clay Aiken.

Sheldon: 164 people voted for Fountains of Wayne. Psh, flash in the pan you guys. Um, 97 of you said your favorite band was, Clay Aiken.

Megan: That’s weird. Like 10 of those votes weren’t even me.

Sheldon: Six people voted for Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera goes over to them who are throwing up peace signs ]

And rounding off the bottom with one vote is – Yo Yo Ma. Good taste my friend. Whoever you are, I salute you. [ Salutes ]

Megan: Sheldon won an award for his Yo Yo Ma website.

[ Awkward pause ]

Sheldon: Ok, our guest today is a good friend of mine. He and I have been tight since 4th grade computer camp when we rigged our Playstation One to steal cable – Heavy days, crazy nights. You probably know him as the trumpet player for Jazz Times Ten. Please welcome, Greg Scheidemantle.

[ Greg walks into camera view while playing the trumpet then takes a seat next to Megan ]

Megan: Hey Greg, thanks for being on the show.

Greg: Hey Megan, thanks for having me. Hey Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. So, Scheidy, you’re probably one of the top three middle school-aged trumpet players in the state; who are your influences?

Greg: Ah, hell, you know: Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Sum 41.

Sheldon: Cool.

Megan: Um, I have a question. If you could play trumpet on any person’s album, who would it be?

Greg: I guess I’d have to say Britney Spears, because, even thought she can’t sing, the view from the bandstand would be pretty sweet.

Sheldon: Scheidy, you push the envelope Scheidy.

Megan: See, that’s weird, cuz, I would’ve picked someone who’s good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I’d show up at the studio and he’d be like, “Hey, you have pretty hair.” And I’d be like, [ Plays with hair ] “What?” And he’d be like, “Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?” And I’d be like “Ok.” And he’d be like “Lemme call my limo and [ singing ] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right!”

[ Mr. B walks on camera ]

Mr. B: Hey kids! How ya doin?

[ Kids say Hi ]

Sorry to interrupt the show, but since it’s the last day before winter break, I just wanted to remind everybody to clear out any food you may have in your desks. Take it from me – last year I left a half-eaten plate of Weight Watchers Lasagna in my office, come January 4th, my desk had all this weird stuff on it. I thought they were chocolate sprinkles – They were mouse poops.

Megan: Eww, okay.

Mr. B: Yeah, and I got real sick from eating them too. Don’t invite the pests, clean out your desks! I’m gonna pop-lock out of here! [ Pop-locks ] Grr, Grr, Grrama, Grramma, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer! Merry Christmas everybody!

Sheldon: So Scheidy, what’s next for Jazz Times Ten?

Greg: Shoot, you know how we do. We’re giggin a lot over the holidays. We’ll be at Sunnyvale Mall this Friday at 8:40 a.m. Saturday; we’re doin an 11 minute set at Westchester Key’s Assisted Living Center. Saturday night we’ll just be free-form jamming in Tom Snidely’s carport.

[ Camera goes over to Jazz Times Ten and Tom throws up Peace sign ]

Sheldon: Alright, I hate to put you on the spot bro, but, uh, can you do that horse whining you did at the end of “Sleigh Ride” at the winter concert?

[ Greg does horse whine on trumpet ]

Megan: Cool, that sounds like a real horse.

Greg: And it’s hella hard to do too.

Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from “American Idol”. You know who else is from “American Idol”? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken’s album? And if so, tell me why you like it.

Greg: I think it’s pretty good. I like his phrasing on “Bridge over Troubled Water”. [ Sings ] Like a bridge over trou-bled wa-ter.

Megan: Whoa, you’re like Clay Aiken, except, here physically in front of me. This brings out many feelings. Your eyes are blue like Polar Ice Gatorade.

Greg: ..So I’ve been told.

Sheldon: [ Shakes head ] No, this isn’t happening. No.

Greg: Why don’t you stop by Snidely’s carport and watch us jam?

Sheldon: [ Continues shaking head ] No —

Megan: [ Nervously ] Ok.

Greg: Cool.

Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Signing off, I am Sheldon. [ Salutes ]

Megan: [Looks around nervously and thinks ] I don’t know who I am anymore!

Greg: Jazz Times Ten, let’s do this!

[ Jazz Times Ten Plays ] [ Fade ]

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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