SNL Transcripts: Elijah Wood: 12/13/03: Wake Up Wakefield

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Greg…..Elijah Wood
Mr. B…..Heratio Sanz

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”; fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: It’s 7:55 a.m. and we are live from the Audio-Visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host Sheldon.

Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Hey.

Megan: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera shows the band, only six people are shown ]

Sheldon: Sounding cherry as always. You guys can blow. We’ll be hearing from them later in the program.

Megan: That’s right Sheldon, cuz today’s show is all about music – musical taste, musical styles, and rising stars such as my fav-or-ite singer and live-in lover-to-be, Mr. Clayton Grissom Aiken. [ Holds up picture collage of Clay ] Sup Freckles? I love you. [ Licks poster ]

Sheldon: Um, in honor of Music Day, we conducted a poll of Wakefield students’ fave bands of 2003. I think the results will surprise you. 177 of you chose Eminem, who, by the way, doesn’t even play an instrument.

Megan: ..Or sing like an angel. Eminem is like the poor man’s cursing Clay Aiken.

Sheldon: 164 people voted for Fountains of Wayne. Psh, flash in the pan you guys. Um, 97 of you said your favorite band was, Clay Aiken.

Megan: That’s weird. Like 10 of those votes weren’t even me.

Sheldon: Six people voted for Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera goes over to them who are throwing up peace signs ]

And rounding off the bottom with one vote is – Yo Yo Ma. Good taste my friend. Whoever you are, I salute you. [ Salutes ]

Megan: Sheldon won an award for his Yo Yo Ma website.

[ Awkward pause ]

Sheldon: Ok, our guest today is a good friend of mine. He and I have been tight since 4th grade computer camp when we rigged our Playstation One to steal cable – Heavy days, crazy nights. You probably know him as the trumpet player for Jazz Times Ten. Please welcome, Greg Scheidemantle.

[ Greg walks into camera view while playing the trumpet then takes a seat next to Megan ]

Megan: Hey Greg, thanks for being on the show.

Greg: Hey Megan, thanks for having me. Hey Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. So, Scheidy, you’re probably one of the top three middle school-aged trumpet players in the state; who are your influences?

Greg: Ah, hell, you know: Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Sum 41.

Sheldon: Cool.

Megan: Um, I have a question. If you could play trumpet on any person’s album, who would it be?

Greg: I guess I’d have to say Britney Spears, because, even thought she can’t sing, the view from the bandstand would be pretty sweet.

Sheldon: Scheidy, you push the envelope Scheidy.

Megan: See, that’s weird, cuz, I would’ve picked someone who’s good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I’d show up at the studio and he’d be like, “Hey, you have pretty hair.” And I’d be like, [ Plays with hair ] “What?” And he’d be like, “Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?” And I’d be like “Ok.” And he’d be like “Lemme call my limo and [ singing ] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right!”

[ Mr. B walks on camera ]

Mr. B: Hey kids! How ya doin?

[ Kids say Hi ]

Sorry to interrupt the show, but since it’s the last day before winter break, I just wanted to remind everybody to clear out any food you may have in your desks. Take it from me – last year I left a half-eaten plate of Weight Watchers Lasagna in my office, come January 4th, my desk had all this weird stuff on it. I thought they were chocolate sprinkles – They were mouse poops.

Megan: Eww, okay.

Mr. B: Yeah, and I got real sick from eating them too. Don’t invite the pests, clean out your desks! I’m gonna pop-lock out of here! [ Pop-locks ] Grr, Grr, Grrama, Grramma, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer! Merry Christmas everybody!

Sheldon: So Scheidy, what’s next for Jazz Times Ten?

Greg: Shoot, you know how we do. We’re giggin a lot over the holidays. We’ll be at Sunnyvale Mall this Friday at 8:40 a.m. Saturday; we’re doin an 11 minute set at Westchester Key’s Assisted Living Center. Saturday night we’ll just be free-form jamming in Tom Snidely’s carport.

[ Camera goes over to Jazz Times Ten and Tom throws up Peace sign ]

Sheldon: Alright, I hate to put you on the spot bro, but, uh, can you do that horse whining you did at the end of “Sleigh Ride” at the winter concert?

[ Greg does horse whine on trumpet ]

Megan: Cool, that sounds like a real horse.

Greg: And it’s hella hard to do too.

Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from “American Idol”. You know who else is from “American Idol”? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken’s album? And if so, tell me why you like it.

Greg: I think it’s pretty good. I like his phrasing on “Bridge over Troubled Water”. [ Sings ] Like a bridge over trou-bled wa-ter.

Megan: Whoa, you’re like Clay Aiken, except, here physically in front of me. This brings out many feelings. Your eyes are blue like Polar Ice Gatorade.

Greg: ..So I’ve been told.

Sheldon: [ Shakes head ] No, this isn’t happening. No.

Greg: Why don’t you stop by Snidely’s carport and watch us jam?

Sheldon: [ Continues shaking head ] No —

Megan: [ Nervously ] Ok.

Greg: Cool.

Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Signing off, I am Sheldon. [ Salutes ]

Megan: [Looks around nervously and thinks ] I don’t know who I am anymore!

Greg: Jazz Times Ten, let’s do this!

[ Jazz Times Ten Plays ] [ Fade ]

Submitted by: Mia

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