Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 9
Democratic National Committee
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Edwards…..Chris Parnell
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
John Kerry: Good evening, America. I’m Sen. John Kerry. Starting with the Iowa caucus on January 19th, Democrats will have officially began the process of selecting their candidate for the 2004 Presidential election. And, to be perfectly honest, things are not looking very good.. for me.
Joe Lieberman: Or me.. Joe Lieberman.
Dennis Kucinich: Or me.. Dennis Kucinich!
Dick Gephardt: Or even me.. Dick Gephardt! See, despite our best efforts, Howard Dean continues to be the Democratic frontrunner. Sure, he was successful as a governor, but.. how hard can it be to run Vermont? You wake up, you have some Ben & Jerry’s, you check out the maple syrup plant, you go to sleep!
John Edwards: Whereas, we have lots of fine qualities to recommend us.
Dick Gephardt: For instance – experience! This is my 19th time running for President.
John Kerry: Or personality. Some people think I’m consdescending. Not true. I actually just have an offputting sense of entitlement.
Gen. Wesley Clark: And I’m a four-star general in a cashmere turtleneck – ladies, what more could you ask for?
John Edwards: And I’m cute! [ grins playfully ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: I’m like a real-life Chris Rock movie!
Dennis Kucinich: Willie Nelson wrote a song about me.
Joe Lieberman: And I’m blond all over. Look.. this primary shouldn’t even be about our qualifications, it should be about Dean’s shortcomings. He called the Iowa caucuses a sham. He sealed his records as governor. He even claimed that Osama bin Laden might not be guilty. This is quality stuff, America.. and, you’re not going for it.. well, I’ve had it.. and, you know what? I hope George Bush wins! That’ll show you!
John Edwards: Now, Joe —
Joe Lieberman: No, it’s serious!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Let him be – ten-hut!!
[ Edwards stands in position ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: What can we do to make you people stop liking this guy? I mean, we can say he’s too conservative – hell, I’m a registered Republican.
John Kerry: Look, the point is.. in a few months, when George Bush is calling Howard Dean a “short-tempered liberal, who will use middle-class tax increases to fund his gay Vermont wedding to Saddam Hussein”, it’s going to sound very familiar. That’s because we’re saying it right now. So why wait to lose faith in him then? We can lose faith in him now. It’s the least you can do for us – or America. But mostly.. for us. Seriously. I quit my job for this.
[ show title card ]
Announcer: Paid for by the Democratic National Committee.