SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Aniston
Phoebe…..Maya Rudolph
Monica…..Rachel Dratch
Chandler…..Seth Meyers
Rachel…..Jennifer Aniston
Joey…..Horatio Sanz
Ross…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Jennifer Aniston!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: Alright, thank you, thank you. I’m so excited to be here for my second time.

[Aniston holds up 4 fingers, 2 on each hand]

Jennifer Aniston: That was four….This is the first show of 2004.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: And, uh, this is gonna be, this is actually gonna be a really big year for me. You know, and the biggest thing is, I’m sure all of you have heard, I’m re-doing my kitchen.

[audience laughs]

Jennifer Aniston: No, no, I’m kidding. That was last year. Actually, no, it’s the last season of “Friends”. And there’s been a lot of talk about how the show’s going to end and we’ve had a hard time keeping it a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we’ve shot a bunch of different endings. And, uh, you guys wouldn’t want to see one, would you?

[audience cheers and applauds loudly]

Jennifer Aniston: I am SO not supposed to do this, you know, but what the hell? Just roll the tape, let’s look at it.

[Fade out to a 5-second “Friends” opening. To Central Perk, where the “Friends” gang is sitting around the coffee table]

Phoebe: Wow, I can’t belive my wedding’s today! I just, I love that word. Wed-ding. Because it ends with a ding. You know… ding.

Monica: Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. We adopted our baby today.

Chandler: Could I be… any more excited?

Monica: I guess you have some news too, right, Rach?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, right. News. I got big news. Well, let see. Ross… Joey? Okay, well listen, I finally made my choice between you guys.

Joey: Uuuh, really?

Ross: Well.. [clears throat] who’s it gonna be, Rach? [clears throat]

Rachel: Okay, I love you both very, very much, you know that. But, Ross, I pick you.

Ross: I’m so happy, Rach.

Joey: That’s great. Wish you guys all the best.

[Joey stands and begins heading toward the door]

Rachel: Thanks, Joe.

Ross: Thanks, Joe.

Rachel: See ya, Joe.

Everyone: Bye, Joey.

[from outside, a gun cocks, and a gun shot is heard] [fade to end credits] [dissolve back to the main SNL stage ]

Jennifer Aniston: That ending was certainly final. Oh oh oh gosh.

[rushes to remove the coat she was in during the skit]

Jennifer Aniston: We couldn’t use that one, because Matt LeBlanc has a spin-off called Joey and I guess, you know, you can’t be “dead” in a spin-off. Yeah whatever. But, we’re probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel’s heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet.

[she gasps]

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! … Anyway, we have a great show! The Black Eyed Peas are here! So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Rich Krenz

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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