Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 9
Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Jennifer Aniston![audience cheers and applauds]
Jennifer Aniston: Alright, thank you, thank you. I’m so excited to be here for my second time.[Aniston holds up 4 fingers, 2 on each hand]
Jennifer Aniston: That was four….This is the first show of 2004.[audience cheers and applauds]
Jennifer Aniston: And, uh, this is gonna be, this is actually gonna be a really big year for me. You know, and the biggest thing is, I’m sure all of you have heard, I’m re-doing my kitchen.[audience laughs]
Jennifer Aniston: No, no, I’m kidding. That was last year. Actually, no, it’s the last season of “Friends”. And there’s been a lot of talk about how the show’s going to end and we’ve had a hard time keeping it a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we’ve shot a bunch of different endings. And, uh, you guys wouldn’t want to see one, would you?[audience cheers and applauds loudly]
Jennifer Aniston: I am SO not supposed to do this, you know, but what the hell? Just roll the tape, let’s look at it.[Fade out to a 5-second “Friends” opening. To Central Perk, where the “Friends” gang is sitting around the coffee table]
Phoebe: Wow, I can’t belive my wedding’s today! I just, I love that word. Wed-ding. Because it ends with a ding. You know… ding.
Monica: Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. We adopted our baby today.
Chandler: Could I be… any more excited?
Monica: I guess you have some news too, right, Rach?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, right. News. I got big news. Well, let see. Ross… Joey? Okay, well listen, I finally made my choice between you guys.
Joey: Uuuh, really?
Ross: Well.. [clears throat] who’s it gonna be, Rach? [clears throat]
Rachel: Okay, I love you both very, very much, you know that. But, Ross, I pick you.
Ross: I’m so happy, Rach.
Joey: That’s great. Wish you guys all the best.[Joey stands and begins heading toward the door]
Rachel: Thanks, Joe.
Ross: Thanks, Joe.
Rachel: See ya, Joe.
Everyone: Bye, Joey.[from outside, a gun cocks, and a gun shot is heard] [fade to end credits] [dissolve back to the main SNL stage ]
Jennifer Aniston: That ending was certainly final. Oh oh oh gosh.[rushes to remove the coat she was in during the skit]
Jennifer Aniston: We couldn’t use that one, because Matt LeBlanc has a spin-off called Joey and I guess, you know, you can’t be “dead” in a spin-off. Yeah whatever. But, we’re probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel’s heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet.[she gasps]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh! … Anyway, we have a great show! The Black Eyed Peas are here! So stick around and we will be right back!
Submitted by: Rich Krenz