SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Aniston
Phoebe…..Maya Rudolph
Monica…..Rachel Dratch
Chandler…..Seth Meyers
Rachel…..Jennifer Aniston
Joey…..Horatio Sanz
Ross…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Jennifer Aniston!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: Alright, thank you, thank you. I’m so excited to be here for my second time.

[Aniston holds up 4 fingers, 2 on each hand]

Jennifer Aniston: That was four….This is the first show of 2004.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: And, uh, this is gonna be, this is actually gonna be a really big year for me. You know, and the biggest thing is, I’m sure all of you have heard, I’m re-doing my kitchen.

[audience laughs]

Jennifer Aniston: No, no, I’m kidding. That was last year. Actually, no, it’s the last season of “Friends”. And there’s been a lot of talk about how the show’s going to end and we’ve had a hard time keeping it a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we’ve shot a bunch of different endings. And, uh, you guys wouldn’t want to see one, would you?

[audience cheers and applauds loudly]

Jennifer Aniston: I am SO not supposed to do this, you know, but what the hell? Just roll the tape, let’s look at it.

[Fade out to a 5-second “Friends” opening. To Central Perk, where the “Friends” gang is sitting around the coffee table]

Phoebe: Wow, I can’t belive my wedding’s today! I just, I love that word. Wed-ding. Because it ends with a ding. You know… ding.

Monica: Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. We adopted our baby today.

Chandler: Could I be… any more excited?

Monica: I guess you have some news too, right, Rach?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, right. News. I got big news. Well, let see. Ross… Joey? Okay, well listen, I finally made my choice between you guys.

Joey: Uuuh, really?

Ross: Well.. [clears throat] who’s it gonna be, Rach? [clears throat]

Rachel: Okay, I love you both very, very much, you know that. But, Ross, I pick you.

Ross: I’m so happy, Rach.

Joey: That’s great. Wish you guys all the best.

[Joey stands and begins heading toward the door]

Rachel: Thanks, Joe.

Ross: Thanks, Joe.

Rachel: See ya, Joe.

Everyone: Bye, Joey.

[from outside, a gun cocks, and a gun shot is heard] [fade to end credits] [dissolve back to the main SNL stage ]

Jennifer Aniston: That ending was certainly final. Oh oh oh gosh.

[rushes to remove the coat she was in during the skit]

Jennifer Aniston: We couldn’t use that one, because Matt LeBlanc has a spin-off called Joey and I guess, you know, you can’t be “dead” in a spin-off. Yeah whatever. But, we’re probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel’s heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet.

[she gasps]

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! … Anyway, we have a great show! The Black Eyed Peas are here! So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Rich Krenz

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