SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Phone Sex



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9


03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Phone Sex

Operator #1…..Rachel Dratch
Operator #2…..Maya Rudolph
Jean…..Jennifer Aniston
David…..Will Forte
Mr. Carruthers…..Chris Parnell
Frank…..Fred Armisen
Alan…..Kenan Thompson

[ pan across fraudulent phone sex operators taking advantage of undersexed gentlemen over the phones ]

Operator #1: [ reading a magazine ] Oh, yeah.. yeah, you like that, don’t oyu? I bet you do! Oh, give it to me —

Operator #2: [ filing her nails ] Hi, Jack, this Georgia. Ooh, yeahhh —

Jean: [ cleaning her cubicle, as the phone rings ] Oh! Hiii, this is Candy. Who’s this?

David: Hi, uh.. this is David. I’m calling for the.. Raw Talk.

Jean: Ohhhhh.. you sound hot, David. Are you feeling hot?

David: Oh, yeah!

Jean: Me, too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down, and feel your tushy!

David: My, uh —

Jean: Yeah! Let me feel that tush! You like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your.. tuckus?

David: I, uh.. I.. guess..

Jean: You want to feel my tuckus, baby? Oohh, that’s right! You’re my weiner man, you know that, right? Wave your little tinkler next to my caboose, weiner man!

David: [ hangs up ]

Jean: [ startled ] Hello?

[ Mr. Carruthers steps forward ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Can I speak with you for a second?

Jean: Hi! Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance.

Jean: My performance?

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw Line, and they expect – I’d go so far as to say they count on – raw, unbridled sex talk.

Jean: Oh.. okay.

Mr. Carruthers: Tinkler? Not raw. Not raw, at all.

Jean: Oh.

Mr. Carruthers: No, these guys want to hear your deep, darkest secrets.

Jean: Okay. Okay, Mr. Carruthers. Sure thing!

Mr. Carruthers: Alright, good girl.

Jean: You got it!

Mr. Carruthers: Carry on. [ exits ]

Jean: Okay.

[ phone rings ]

Jean: Oh! Hi! Hi.. this is Candy. Who’s this?

Frank: This is Frank.

Jean: Do you want to get.. totally raw?

Frank: Oh, yeah!

Jean: You know what I want to do, hot stuff? I want to inspect your worm. [ chuckles at her creativity ]

Frank: [ taken aback, but hanging on ] Oh.

Jean: Really. I want to go really raw on you.. baby. Yes! My sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I’m going to do crazy, explicit things! I need money for her operation!

Frank: Gee.. that is.. that is horrible!

Jean: Yeah! Yeah! Rub my keister!

Frank: You know what? Uh.. I’m sorry.. I have to go.. [ hangs up ]

Jean: What? Oh. He finished fast.

[ Mr. Carruthers returns ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. [ clears throat ]

Jean: Yes? Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people that your sister is in the hospital?

Jean: Well, yes. You said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.

Mr. Carruthers: Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong.

Jean: Oh?

Mr. Carruthers: Uh.. I should have been more specific.

Jean: Uhhh..

Mr. Carruthers: Look – now, if you don’t know what to say.. just let the customer say what he wants.

Jean: Okay!

Mr. Carruthers: Very good. [ exits ]

[ the phone rings ]

Jean: Hi. This is Candy. Who’s this?

Alan: [ with eyes shifting ] Uh.. Alan..

Jean: Well.. “Alan”.. why don’t you.. tell me what you want.

Alan: Uh, well.. I’d really like for you to.. [ afraid to ask ] ..touch my hiney.

Jean: Your hiney? Oh! Are you my weiner man?

Alan: [ comfortable at last ] Yes! Yes, baby, I am your weiner man!

Jean: Are you?

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, yeah!

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, baby!

[ fade ]

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