SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Phone Sex



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9


03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Phone Sex

Operator #1…..Rachel Dratch
Operator #2…..Maya Rudolph
Jean…..Jennifer Aniston
David…..Will Forte
Mr. Carruthers…..Chris Parnell
Frank…..Fred Armisen
Alan…..Kenan Thompson

[ pan across fraudulent phone sex operators taking advantage of undersexed gentlemen over the phones ]

Operator #1: [ reading a magazine ] Oh, yeah.. yeah, you like that, don’t oyu? I bet you do! Oh, give it to me —

Operator #2: [ filing her nails ] Hi, Jack, this Georgia. Ooh, yeahhh —

Jean: [ cleaning her cubicle, as the phone rings ] Oh! Hiii, this is Candy. Who’s this?

David: Hi, uh.. this is David. I’m calling for the.. Raw Talk.

Jean: Ohhhhh.. you sound hot, David. Are you feeling hot?

David: Oh, yeah!

Jean: Me, too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down, and feel your tushy!

David: My, uh —

Jean: Yeah! Let me feel that tush! You like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your.. tuckus?

David: I, uh.. I.. guess..

Jean: You want to feel my tuckus, baby? Oohh, that’s right! You’re my weiner man, you know that, right? Wave your little tinkler next to my caboose, weiner man!

David: [ hangs up ]

Jean: [ startled ] Hello?

[ Mr. Carruthers steps forward ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Can I speak with you for a second?

Jean: Hi! Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance.

Jean: My performance?

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw Line, and they expect – I’d go so far as to say they count on – raw, unbridled sex talk.

Jean: Oh.. okay.

Mr. Carruthers: Tinkler? Not raw. Not raw, at all.

Jean: Oh.

Mr. Carruthers: No, these guys want to hear your deep, darkest secrets.

Jean: Okay. Okay, Mr. Carruthers. Sure thing!

Mr. Carruthers: Alright, good girl.

Jean: You got it!

Mr. Carruthers: Carry on. [ exits ]

Jean: Okay.

[ phone rings ]

Jean: Oh! Hi! Hi.. this is Candy. Who’s this?

Frank: This is Frank.

Jean: Do you want to get.. totally raw?

Frank: Oh, yeah!

Jean: You know what I want to do, hot stuff? I want to inspect your worm. [ chuckles at her creativity ]

Frank: [ taken aback, but hanging on ] Oh.

Jean: Really. I want to go really raw on you.. baby. Yes! My sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I’m going to do crazy, explicit things! I need money for her operation!

Frank: Gee.. that is.. that is horrible!

Jean: Yeah! Yeah! Rub my keister!

Frank: You know what? Uh.. I’m sorry.. I have to go.. [ hangs up ]

Jean: What? Oh. He finished fast.

[ Mr. Carruthers returns ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. [ clears throat ]

Jean: Yes? Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people that your sister is in the hospital?

Jean: Well, yes. You said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.

Mr. Carruthers: Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong.

Jean: Oh?

Mr. Carruthers: Uh.. I should have been more specific.

Jean: Uhhh..

Mr. Carruthers: Look – now, if you don’t know what to say.. just let the customer say what he wants.

Jean: Okay!

Mr. Carruthers: Very good. [ exits ] [ the phone rings ]

Jean: Hi. This is Candy. Who’s this?

Alan: [ with eyes shifting ] Uh.. Alan..

Jean: Well.. “Alan”.. why don’t you.. tell me what you want.

Alan: Uh, well.. I’d really like for you to.. [ afraid to ask ] ..touch my hiney.

Jean: Your hiney? Oh! Are you my weiner man?

Alan: [ comfortable at last ] Yes! Yes, baby, I am your weiner man!

Jean: Are you?

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, yeah!

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of