Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 9
03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas
Phone Sex
Operator #1…..Rachel Dratch
Operator #2…..Maya Rudolph
Jean…..Jennifer Aniston
David…..Will Forte
Mr. Carruthers…..Chris Parnell
Frank…..Fred Armisen
Alan…..Kenan Thompson
Operator #1: [ reading a magazine ] Oh, yeah.. yeah, you like that, don’t oyu? I bet you do! Oh, give it to me —
Operator #2: [ filing her nails ] Hi, Jack, this Georgia. Ooh, yeahhh —
Jean: [ cleaning her cubicle, as the phone rings ] Oh! Hiii, this is Candy. Who’s this?
David: Hi, uh.. this is David. I’m calling for the.. Raw Talk.
Jean: Ohhhhh.. you sound hot, David. Are you feeling hot?
David: Oh, yeah!
Jean: Me, too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down, and feel your tushy!
David: My, uh —
Jean: Yeah! Let me feel that tush! You like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your.. tuckus?
David: I, uh.. I.. guess..
Jean: You want to feel my tuckus, baby? Oohh, that’s right! You’re my weiner man, you know that, right? Wave your little tinkler next to my caboose, weiner man!
David: [ hangs up ]
Jean: [ startled ] Hello?
[ Mr. Carruthers steps forward ]Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Can I speak with you for a second?
Jean: Hi! Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers!
Mr. Carruthers: I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance.
Jean: My performance?
Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw Line, and they expect – I’d go so far as to say they count on – raw, unbridled sex talk.
Jean: Oh.. okay.
Mr. Carruthers: Tinkler? Not raw. Not raw, at all.
Jean: Oh.
Mr. Carruthers: No, these guys want to hear your deep, darkest secrets.
Jean: Okay. Okay, Mr. Carruthers. Sure thing!
Mr. Carruthers: Alright, good girl.
Jean: You got it!
Mr. Carruthers: Carry on. [ exits ]
Jean: Okay.
Jean: Oh! Hi! Hi.. this is Candy. Who’s this?
Frank: This is Frank.
Jean: Do you want to get.. totally raw?
Frank: Oh, yeah!
Jean: You know what I want to do, hot stuff? I want to inspect your worm. [ chuckles at her creativity ]
Frank: [ taken aback, but hanging on ] Oh.
Jean: Really. I want to go really raw on you.. baby. Yes! My sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I’m going to do crazy, explicit things! I need money for her operation!
Frank: Gee.. that is.. that is horrible!
Jean: Yeah! Yeah! Rub my keister!
Frank: You know what? Uh.. I’m sorry.. I have to go.. [ hangs up ]
Jean: What? Oh. He finished fast.
[ Mr. Carruthers returns ]Mr. Carruthers: Jean. [ clears throat ]
Jean: Yes? Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers!
Mr. Carruthers: I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people that your sister is in the hospital?
Jean: Well, yes. You said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.
Mr. Carruthers: Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong.
Jean: Oh?
Mr. Carruthers: Uh.. I should have been more specific.
Jean: Uhhh..
Mr. Carruthers: Look – now, if you don’t know what to say.. just let the customer say what he wants.
Jean: Okay!
Mr. Carruthers: Very good. [ exits ] [ the phone rings ]
Jean: Hi. This is Candy. Who’s this?
Alan: [ with eyes shifting ] Uh.. Alan..
Jean: Well.. “Alan”.. why don’t you.. tell me what you want.
Alan: Uh, well.. I’d really like for you to.. [ afraid to ask ] ..touch my hiney.
Jean: Your hiney? Oh! Are you my weiner man?
Alan: [ comfortable at last ] Yes! Yes, baby, I am your weiner man!
Jean: Are you?
Alan: Yeah!
Jean: Oh, yeah!
Alan: Yeah!
Jean: Oh, baby!
[ fade ]
