SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Paparazzi Photographers

Photographer #1…..Jennifer Aniston
Photographer #2…..Amy Poehler
Steven Seagal…..Jimmy Fallon

(Drumroll plays over a shot of the “Hollywood” sign, fading to stock footage of paparazzi and stars on a red carpet, fading to two photographers in the front of a large crowd of photographers)

(Julia Roberts walks by, back facing the camera)

Photographer #1: Julia! Julia! Hey Julia, where’s Danny?

Photographer #2: Julia, congratulations on “Mona Lisa Smile”! Julia!

Photographer #1: Yeah, I really love that dress, Julia!

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Can we see the back, Julia. Turn around.

Photographer #1: Hey, point to your belly like you’re pregnant, huh? Thank you, thank you!

Photographer #2: Thank you, Julia! She’s a friend, she’s a friend.

Photographer #1: Really? You know her?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I met her like two years ago at her New Mexico ranch. She was taking the trash out and I was in her trash can.

Photographer #1: Wow.

(Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher walk by, followed by Bruce Willis and three young girls)

All: Demi! Demi!

Photographer #2: Can we get you and Ashton together, you guys look great!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hey Bruce, you get in there, too!

Photographer #2: Get in there, Bruce! Beautiful! Scout, Rumer, the other one, get in there!

Photographer #1: Hey, Bruce, Bruce, rub your dukes like you’re looking like you’re mad.

Photographer #2: Great dukes, Bruce, great dukes. Alright, Bruce, get out of there!

Photographer #1 & #2: Get out of there, Bruce.

Photographer #1: Hey, hey, Demi, can you pick up Ashton and hold him like a baby? (laughter) Beautiful.

Photographer #2: Ashton, suck your thumb! Suck your thumb, Ashton.

Photographer #1: Yeah, suck your thumb! Boo! Boo, Ashton, suck your thumb!

Photographer #2: Boo! Boo, Ashton, you’re no fun!

Photographer #1: Really.

Photographer #2: I tell you something, I made forty grand off those guys last week.

Photographer #1: Damn, really?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I was in the ivy at the Ivy, and I got ‘em on the telephoto. She’s yawning, but it looks like they’re having a fight.

Photographer #1: Awesome.

Photographer #2: Yeah, we’re friends, you know.

All: Verne! Mini-Me! Mini-Me!

(A woman walks by with Mini-Me, back facing the camera.)

Photographer #1: Look up here, buddy. Up here, little man. Great, thank you.

Photographer #2: Great, who’s the lady, Mini-Me? Who’s the lady? Squat down, lady, squat down.

Photographer #1: Yeah, honey can you pick him up? Pick him up like he’s your baby. Beautiful.

All: Thank you, Mini-Me, thank you lady, thank you.

Photographer #2: Finally, somebody professional.

Photographer #1: Really.

(Beyonce Knowles walks by, shaking her butt to the camera)

All: Beyonce! Beyonce!

Photographer #2: Beyonce, let me see the butt Beyonce! Beautiful. Shake it!

Photographer #1: Point to it!

Photographer #2: Make it bounce, Beyonce, make it bee-younce, Beyonce. (P#2 bounces her butt to demonstrate) Boo!

Photographer #1: Why won’t she do it?

Photographer #2: Boo, Beyonce! Make it bee-younce!

Photographer #1: Boo! C’mon!

Photographer #2: God that dress was short.

Photographer #1: Tell me about it.

Photographer #2: You know, it could be a gold mine. We’ll be rich if these pictures come back with a little glimpse of Beyonce bouche.

Photographer #1: Oh, man, I know. One time, I was, uh, shooting Pierce Brosnan on the beach, and one of his nads drooped out of his swim trunks. That thing bought me my house.

Photographer #2: Nice, great. Oh, Jennifer!

All: Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer! Jennifer!

(Jennifer Aniston walks by, back facing camera)

Photographer #1: Hey, where’s Brad?

Photographer #2: What are you wearing Jennifer Aniston, where’s Brad?

Photographer #1: Yeah, when are you gonna have a baby?

Photographer #2: Are the Friends really friends?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!

Photographer #2: What are you gonna do when Friends is over?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!! (laughter)

Photographer #2: Hey, you and Brad, you guys love Mexican food, right? I always catch you guys coming out of Las Cantinas. (To P#1) She looks terrible.

Photographer #1: I know, I think she has a drug problem. (laughter and applause)

All: Kirstie! Kirstie Alley!

Photographer #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Photographer #1: Oh, uh-oh, that’s not Kirstie Alley.

Photographer #2: No. Sorry, uh, Steven! Steven Seagal!

Photographer #1: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

(Seagal steps in front of them and puts his hands over their camera lenses)

Photographer #1: C’mon, we’re sorry!

Photographer #2: We thought you were Kirstie Alley.

(Seagal walks off)

Photographer #1: Yeah, we didn’t mean it. We didn’t mean it!

Photographer #2: Just be cool, okay? I’m just doing my job, all right? That’s all I’m trying to do.

(Seagal does a high-kick aimed at her camera) (audience ooohs)

Photographer #1: I got a picture of you doing that!

Photographer #2: I will see you in court, Kirstie Alley!

All: Judi! Dame Judi Dench! Judi!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Judi, hey give us a little peace sign, huh Jude?

Photographer #2: We love your work, Dame Judi. Now, jump up and down. You’re a great actress, jump up and down. Good. Thank you.

Photographer #1: Hey, look, there’s little Mini-Me, he’s back.

Photographer #2: Oh, hey, Mini-Me.

Photographer #1: Oh, Mini-Me, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Judi, can you get down on all fours, let Mini-Me ride you. (laughter) That’s great, beautiful.

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Mini-Me, Mini-Me, run under Judi’s dress like you’re a little mouse!

Photographer #1: Yeah, Judi, come on honey. Beautiful. Do something funny, Judi. Yeah, like, grab your boobs or something. Nice.

Photographer #2: Nice, Dame Judi, thank you. (to P#1) I tell you something, I just saw some of Dame Judi’s nip.

Photographer #1: No way!

Photographer #2: Yes!

Photographer #1: Mother effing jackpot! (they high-five) Wooo!

All: Hey, Trista, Ryan!

Submitted by: Joy

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