SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers


SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Paparazzi Photographers

Photographer #1…..Jennifer Aniston
Photographer #2…..Amy Poehler
Steven Seagal…..Jimmy Fallon

(Drumroll plays over a shot of the “Hollywood” sign, fading to stock footage of paparazzi and stars on a red carpet, fading to two photographers in the front of a large crowd of photographers)

(Julia Roberts walks by, back facing the camera)

Photographer #1: Julia! Julia! Hey Julia, where’s Danny?

Photographer #2: Julia, congratulations on “Mona Lisa Smile”! Julia!

Photographer #1: Yeah, I really love that dress, Julia!

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Can we see the back, Julia. Turn around.

Photographer #1: Hey, point to your belly like you’re pregnant, huh? Thank you, thank you!

Photographer #2: Thank you, Julia! She’s a friend, she’s a friend.

Photographer #1: Really? You know her?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I met her like two years ago at her New Mexico ranch. She was taking the trash out and I was in her trash can.

Photographer #1: Wow.

(Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher walk by, followed by Bruce Willis and three young girls)

All: Demi! Demi!

Photographer #2: Can we get you and Ashton together, you guys look great!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hey Bruce, you get in there, too!

Photographer #2: Get in there, Bruce! Beautiful! Scout, Rumer, the other one, get in there!

Photographer #1: Hey, Bruce, Bruce, rub your dukes like you’re looking like you’re mad.

Photographer #2: Great dukes, Bruce, great dukes. Alright, Bruce, get out of there!

Photographer #1 & #2: Get out of there, Bruce.

Photographer #1: Hey, hey, Demi, can you pick up Ashton and hold him like a baby? (laughter) Beautiful.

Photographer #2: Ashton, suck your thumb! Suck your thumb, Ashton.

Photographer #1: Yeah, suck your thumb! Boo! Boo, Ashton, suck your thumb!

Photographer #2: Boo! Boo, Ashton, you’re no fun!

Photographer #1: Really.

Photographer #2: I tell you something, I made forty grand off those guys last week.

Photographer #1: Damn, really?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I was in the ivy at the Ivy, and I got ‘em on the telephoto. She’s yawning, but it looks like they’re having a fight.

Photographer #1: Awesome.

Photographer #2: Yeah, we’re friends, you know.

All: Verne! Mini-Me! Mini-Me!

(A woman walks by with Mini-Me, back facing the camera.)

Photographer #1: Look up here, buddy. Up here, little man. Great, thank you.

Photographer #2: Great, who’s the lady, Mini-Me? Who’s the lady? Squat down, lady, squat down.

Photographer #1: Yeah, honey can you pick him up? Pick him up like he’s your baby. Beautiful.

All: Thank you, Mini-Me, thank you lady, thank you.

Photographer #2: Finally, somebody professional.

Photographer #1: Really.

(Beyonce Knowles walks by, shaking her butt to the camera)

All: Beyonce! Beyonce!

Photographer #2: Beyonce, let me see the butt Beyonce! Beautiful. Shake it!

Photographer #1: Point to it!

Photographer #2: Make it bounce, Beyonce, make it bee-younce, Beyonce. (P#2 bounces her butt to demonstrate) Boo!

Photographer #1: Why won’t she do it?

Photographer #2: Boo, Beyonce! Make it bee-younce!

Photographer #1: Boo! C’mon!

Photographer #2: God that dress was short.

Photographer #1: Tell me about it.

Photographer #2: You know, it could be a gold mine. We’ll be rich if these pictures come back with a little glimpse of Beyonce bouche.

Photographer #1: Oh, man, I know. One time, I was, uh, shooting Pierce Brosnan on the beach, and one of his nads drooped out of his swim trunks. That thing bought me my house.

Photographer #2: Nice, great. Oh, Jennifer!

All: Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer! Jennifer!

(Jennifer Aniston walks by, back facing camera)

Photographer #1: Hey, where’s Brad?

Photographer #2: What are you wearing Jennifer Aniston, where’s Brad?

Photographer #1: Yeah, when are you gonna have a baby?

Photographer #2: Are the Friends really friends?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!

Photographer #2: What are you gonna do when Friends is over?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!! (laughter)

Photographer #2: Hey, you and Brad, you guys love Mexican food, right? I always catch you guys coming out of Las Cantinas. (To P#1) She looks terrible.

Photographer #1: I know, I think she has a drug problem. (laughter and applause)

All: Kirstie! Kirstie Alley!

Photographer #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Photographer #1: Oh, uh-oh, that’s not Kirstie Alley.

Photographer #2: No. Sorry, uh, Steven! Steven Seagal!

Photographer #1: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

(Seagal steps in front of them and puts his hands over their camera lenses)

Photographer #1: C’mon, we’re sorry!

Photographer #2: We thought you were Kirstie Alley.

(Seagal walks off)

Photographer #1: Yeah, we didn’t mean it. We didn’t mean it!

Photographer #2: Just be cool, okay? I’m just doing my job, all right? That’s all I’m trying to do.

(Seagal does a high-kick aimed at her camera) (audience ooohs)

Photographer #1: I got a picture of you doing that!

Photographer #2: I will see you in court, Kirstie Alley!

All: Judi! Dame Judi Dench! Judi!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Judi, hey give us a little peace sign, huh Jude?

Photographer #2: We love your work, Dame Judi. Now, jump up and down. You’re a great actress, jump up and down. Good. Thank you.

Photographer #1: Hey, look, there’s little Mini-Me, he’s back.

Photographer #2: Oh, hey, Mini-Me.

Photographer #1: Oh, Mini-Me, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Judi, can you get down on all fours, let Mini-Me ride you. (laughter) That’s great, beautiful.

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Mini-Me, Mini-Me, run under Judi’s dress like you’re a little mouse!

Photographer #1: Yeah, Judi, come on honey. Beautiful. Do something funny, Judi. Yeah, like, grab your boobs or something. Nice.

Photographer #2: Nice, Dame Judi, thank you. (to P#1) I tell you something, I just saw some of Dame Judi’s nip.

Photographer #1: No way!

Photographer #2: Yes!

Photographer #1: Mother effing jackpot! (they high-five) Wooo!

All: Hey, Trista, Ryan!

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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