Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 9
An Address By Donald Trump
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: And now, a special message from the star on NBC’s new hit show “The Apprentice” – Donald Trump.
[ dissolve to Donald Trump at desk ]
Donald Trump: Good evening. I’m Donald Trup. If course, most of you know who I am already – because I’m rich.. and I’m handsome. If you’re a man.. you want my life. If you’re a woman.. well.. I’ve got what you want, okay? [ grins ]
I’d like to talk about my new show on NBC – “The Apprentice”. Like everything I do, it’s going to be big, and bold. and sexy, and full of class. Okay? Over the next thirteen weeks, I’ll be looking for someone with an appreciation for the classier things in life – like solid gold telescopes and 40-foot TVs. Okay?
My men contestants: I’m going to be looking for someone handsome – like myself – a real businessman, someone not afraid to kick the other guy in the balls. And the women – I’m not going to lie to you, okay – I’m going to look for long legs, and big knockers. The one that wins will get a job with a huge salary, and a very rare chance to look into my somewhat glamorous lifestyle, with my marble and gold apartment designed after some of the great houses of Iraq. They’ll see my many classy resorts and casinos. This is a true story: I just learned yesterday that my own Taj Mahal in Atlantic City wasn’t the first Taj Mahal – but I guarantee you, it’s the best! Alright? For instance, all this week, you can catch the incomparable Dion & The Belmonts, along with Sha Na Na in the Xanadu Showroom. But.. where was I? Oh, yes. [ snaps finger ] My show. “The Apprentice”.
Of course.. “The Apprentice” is just the beginning. Let’s just face it – NBC is in the crapper. Alright? “Friends” is going soon.. “Seinfeld” is gone.. this is a real devalued property, and I know a thing or two about property. What NBC needs is class. And, let’s face it, nobody alive has more class than me. Alright? When I fixed the Miss Universe Pageant, I said smaller bikinis and higher heels.. well, the same goes for “ER”, alright? For my money, nothing classes up and ER room like a huge, jiggly pair of boobs! And, alright – “Will & Grace”? We need to put a man on that show. Okay? We need to put a man on there, ’cause here you have Megan Mullally, alright, standing there, and I mean, Good God! Somebody’s gotta hit that thing! I think that would be terrific. And what about “Fear Factor”? “Fear Factor”? [ a beat ] I wouldn’t touch it. It’s the classiest show on. I swear to God, it is! But I would not hesitate, however, to yank Brokaw. Alright? In fact, how does “NBC Nightly News with Donald Trump” sound? Good, right? I can be terrific —
[ Jeff Zucker interrupts ]
Jeff Zucker: Whoa, hold up there, Donald.. hold up there, Donald..
Donald Trump: Who is this?
Jeff Zucker: Hi! I’m the President of NBC Entertainment – Jeff Zucker. [ begins wildly motioning his hands and arms ] I just want to say how excited we are at NBC to have Donald Trump as part of our new mid-season line-up! We expect big things from “The Apprentice”, but, of course, this isn’t the Donald Trump Network. [ receving no laughter, pulls a miniature remote from his pocket and presses a button to release canned laughs ] How about we vut this short, and we can return to the regular programming?
Donald Trump: Have you ever been kicked in the balls?
Jeff Zucker: NBC is proud to bring an extinguished and classy gentleman like Donald Trump to the network. So, without further ado, I would just say —
Donald Trump: Oh no, no, no! Don’t you dare! No one is gonna stop Donald Trump from saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”.