SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: American Beef Council

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10



03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

American Beef Council

Paris Hilton…..Jessica Simpson
Nicole Ritchie…..Rachel Dratch

[open on American Beef Council logo]

Announcer: And now, a special message from Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

[dissolve to Paris and Nicole in front of a barn]

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton.

Nicole: And I’m Nicole Ritchie.

Both: And we’re here to talk to you about mad cow disease.

Paris: And I’m Paris Hilton.

Nicole: Bovine spongiform en-something something-pathy, oh, whatever. Mad cow disease has only affected one cow in the whole United States. Everyone’s freaking out, thinking they can’t eat beef anymore, but you totally can. Look at the facts. One, mad cow disease mostly affects cows.

Paris: That’s why it’s called mad cow disease and not human cow disease. Duh. Two, mad cow disease is only transmitted through the spine and brains, and not through sex like we first thought.

Nicole: Cows get me hot. I wanna see two cows make out!

Paris: And, three, this is boring. I want to go to a party.

Nicole: I know, honey. We’re almost done. Just think about outfits. So, don’t be scared to eat beef, America. I’m not. I’ll put anything in my mouth. Seriously, show me whatever you’ve got, and I’ll put it in my mouth. And I’ll keep it there, and you’ll like it.

Paris: Eating American beef is completely safe. Trust us. We worked on a mad cow farm place for ten days.

Nicole: Yeah! I mean, I had my hand in a cow’s ass! If there was mad cow disease around, I would definitely have it. By the way, I’m not wearing underwear.

Paris: What’s underwear?

[dissolve to picture of Paris and Nicole lewdly tongueing a long, cylindrical piece of meat in a bun]

Announcer: Paid for by the American Beef Council.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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