Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 10
03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit
El Cantador Mexican Restaurant
[open on interior of restaurant with neon cactus on wall] [Denise and David are seated at a table reading menus while Ted, a waiter, stands between them]
Denise: Um, I’ll have the chicken enchiladas.
David: And I’ll have the tacos gigantes. [mispronounced as “ji-gantays”] [Denise and David fold their menus and give them to Ted]
Ted: [finishes writing down orders] Super! I’ll have your drinks out in just a minute, and if you need anything else, my name is Ted.
David: [to Ted] Thank you, Ted. [Ted exits stage right] [to Denise] Denise, let me just start by saying how very, very sorry I am.
Denise: Well, you should be sorry. You betrayed my trust, and right now I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to get over it.
David: It was meaningless to me. She means nothing to me.
Denise: Well she means a lot to me. She’s my sister.[Ted enters with drinks on a small tray] [music starts]
Ted: [singing to the tune of “Escape”] If you like piña coladas [gives one to Denise] / And a Michelob Light [gives one to David] / And if you’re not into yoga / If you have half a brain / I’ll be right back with your entree / And then we’ll make our escape! [flourishes with empty tray and exits stage right] [music ends] [David bops along merrily for the duration of the song]
Denise: What was that?
David: I think it was “The Piña Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Anyway, I’m sorry. It’s just, you were in the hospital taking care of your mother, and your sister looks so much like you. But I promise you, I will never, ever, sleep with someone in your family while you are visiting your mother in the hospital, ever again.
Denise: That is not a good apology, David!
David: Well. [shrugs and rolls eyes] [Celia enters with two plates] [music starts]
Celia: [singing to the tune of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”] Here’s your dinner / But don’t touch the plates ‘cos they’re hot / Here’s your chicken enchiladas [gives them to Denise] / And your tacos gigantes [gives them to David] / If you’ll only hold me tight / We’ll be holding on forever / I hope I got your orders right / Because we’ll never be wrong together. [flourishes with potholders and exits stage right] [music ends
Denise: What is going on here? Did you pick a restaurant with singing waiters to discuss our marriage?
David: You love Mexican food! Plus they had these two-for-one coupons. [holds up a coupon]
Denise: Oh, David, you haven’t changed.[Ted and Celia enter] [music plays]
Ted and Celia: [singing to the tune of “Reunited”] How’s you dinner? Does it taste so good? / [Celia only, gesturing towards David] You love tacos, that is understood. / [Ted only, gesturing towards Denise] There’s one perfect fit / [Celia only, gesturing towards Denise] And sugar, this one is it. / [they turn to each other and clasp hands and sing together] We both are so excited ‘cos we’re reunited, hey-ay-hey-ay-ay-ay.
Denise: Enough, already, thank you. Um, look, look, I don’t want to hear music, okay? My husband and I are trying to reconcile, and I’m just not in the mood for you food songs.[manager enters] [music starts]
Manager: [singing to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science”] Do you have a problem? / I’m the shift manager. / She blinded me with science. / Boop boop boop / She blinded me…with science! [music ends]
Denise: Stop it! Stop it, okay? Look, I am not in the mood for music. You sound great, thank you, but this is not the right time.
Manager: [shouting] SCIENCE!
Denise: You idiot! Stop yelling, “science!”
Manager: Ma’am, I’m sorry if you’re not happy with your experience here. But you came to El Cantador. We serve two things: delicious Mexican cuisine, and the wonderful gift of music.
David: Honey, Señor Iglesias is right. You can’t really complain about singing when you go to a restaurant with singing waiters.
Denise: Shut up, David.
David: Okay, fine.
Ted: Listen, ma’am, I’m sorry if you don’t like our singing. But we have a dream.
Celia: That’s right. We may be serving tacos gigantes or chimichangas, but soon we will be singing on Broadway.
Manager: That’s right. You see, Ted and Celia here are two of my star students.
Manager: Yeah. This isn’t only Omaha’s oldest Mexican restaurant. It’s also a school for the performing arts. Students pay for classes with me by waiting tables and helping me build condos on weekends. I love being surrounded by dreamers.
Denise: Oh, look, I’m sorry. I was just upset because I was having problems with my husband.
Celia: Well, maybe music can help.[music starts] [the rest of the dialogue is sung to the tune of “We are the World”]
Ted and Celia: There comes a time / When you need to sing a song
Manager: And a mexican restaurant is the perfect place to start.
Celia: There are people eating…
Ted: …huevos rancheros[David extends his hand and Denise clasps it]
Celia: And some mothers eating burritos.[Ted, Celia, and the manager hold their hands to their ears as if holding headphones]
Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving
Denise: I forgive my husband / for sleeping with my sister.
David: That’s good, because I slept with your best friend, too.[Denise snatches her hand away from David and storms out of the restaurant]
Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / [David shrugs and joins in] We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving.[dissolve to exterior: adobe facade with lettering that reads, “El Cantador Mexican Restaurant and School of the Performing Arts]
Submitted by: DavidK93