SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: Howard Dean Headquarters

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Howard Dean Headquarters

Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Campaign Advisor…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Dean Campaign Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa ] [ dissolve to interior, Howard Dean’s office ]

Howard Dean: [ on telephone ] Hello, Dale – Howard Dean here. how are things in Marion County? Great! Well, you probably know why I’m calling you. Coming down to the wire here, and I just want to let you and every other Democratic county chairman know how much your support swould mean to me at the caucuses on Monday. I hope we can count on you. [ a beat ] Well, in that case, you can go f(beep) off!

[ hangs up, dials another number ]

Hello, Paul! Howard Dean here, how are you? Great! Look, I’ll get right to the point – Blackhawk County is very important to us, and, uh.. as Democratic county chairman, your backing would be a huge help. Can we count on you? [ a beat ] Alright. I understand. But, uh, can I make one request? Since you’re obviously so hot for John Kerry, why don’t you just go (beep) him? And, if you still have enough energy, you can go f(beep) yourself?!

[ hangs up the phone and checks his list, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Come in!

[ Campaign Advisor enters ]

Campaign Advisor: How’s it going, Governor?

Howard Dean: Ah, pretty good, I think. We’re not getting everybody, but we’re doing alright.

Campaign Advisor: Alright. Well, I know it’s a pain making these calls, but uh.. I can’t tell you how important it is to form personal relationships with these county chairmen. Even if they’re not with us now, we’ll need them in November.

Howard Dean: Ah. Believe me, I’m stroking’ ’em!

Campaign Advisor: Okay. Uh.. well, do you feel like taking a break? Because we can do that interview with the Sioux City Journal.

Howard Dean: Actually, I’d better finish calling the rest of these county chairmen first. Otherwise, I.. I might offend some of them!

Campaign Advisor: [ chuckles ] Okay, I hear you! Well, uh.. go back to this, and.. just let me know when you want that interview.

Howard Dean: Okay.

[ Campaign Advisor exits ]

Howard Dean: [ dials phone ] Hello, Andy! Howard Dean here! How we doing in Polk County? You still with us? Great! Really appreciate that. Iowa’s going to be crucial for us in November, and I need to know it’s in the bag. I don’t want to campaign here any more than I absolutely have to. [ a beat ] What? Because it’s a really boring place. You know that – you live here. No, trust me, it’s boring – nothing but corn and fat people. [ a beat ] Well, no offense, but your own family, for example. Well, anyway.. I’m afraid I’ve gotta run. But thanks for your support, okay? [ hangs up ] [ Campaign Advisor re-enters ]

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. excuse me, Governor.

Howard Dean: Hey, I just had a great talk with Andy Schaeffer from, uh.. Polk County.

Campaign Advisor: Uh, th-that’s good.. ’cause, I just got off the phone with Dale Switzer – you know, the county chair in Fort Dodge?

Howard Dean: Yeah.

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. according to Dale, you threatened his life.

Howard Dean: Not “threatened his life.” I simply said I’d “put a bullet through his head.”

Campaign Advisor: Okay. do you really think that was the best thing to say, Sir?

Howard Dean: It was an honest reaction to hearing that he wants to stay neutral. He could respect that.

Campaign Advisor: And, in his place, you wouldn’t be offended?

Howard Dean: Not at all! On the contrary. My response would be: “You know something? This Howard Dean is a different kind of politician. I like his straight talk! The fact that he’s not afraid to tell people things they don’t want to hear. I think we need more of that in Washington!”

Campaign Advisor: Okay.. Have you taken any of the medication that we got for you?

Howard Dean: No, I flushed it down the toilet!

Campaign Advisor: Well, I appreciate your honesty —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

Campaign Advisor: But, with due respect, Governor – and, speaking not just as your advisor, but as someone who passionately believes in what you’re trying to accomplish – I-I really feel that, in your dealings with people, in addition to the honesty, uh.. y-you need to use just a little more tact.

[ a beat as Dean processes the suggestion ]

Howard Dean: Why don’t you go f(beep) yourself?!

Campaign Advisor: Alright. [ chuckles uncomfortably ] Anything else?

Howard Dean: Yes. [ looks directly into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!

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