SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: Howard Dean Headquarters


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Howard Dean Headquarters

Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Campaign Advisor…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Dean Campaign Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa ] [ dissolve to interior, Howard Dean’s office ]

Howard Dean: [ on telephone ] Hello, Dale – Howard Dean here. how are things in Marion County? Great! Well, you probably know why I’m calling you. Coming down to the wire here, and I just want to let you and every other Democratic county chairman know how much your support swould mean to me at the caucuses on Monday. I hope we can count on you. [ a beat ] Well, in that case, you can go f(beep) off!

[ hangs up, dials another number ]

Hello, Paul! Howard Dean here, how are you? Great! Look, I’ll get right to the point – Blackhawk County is very important to us, and, uh.. as Democratic county chairman, your backing would be a huge help. Can we count on you? [ a beat ] Alright. I understand. But, uh, can I make one request? Since you’re obviously so hot for John Kerry, why don’t you just go (beep) him? And, if you still have enough energy, you can go f(beep) yourself?!

[ hangs up the phone and checks his list, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Come in!

[ Campaign Advisor enters ]

Campaign Advisor: How’s it going, Governor?

Howard Dean: Ah, pretty good, I think. We’re not getting everybody, but we’re doing alright.

Campaign Advisor: Alright. Well, I know it’s a pain making these calls, but uh.. I can’t tell you how important it is to form personal relationships with these county chairmen. Even if they’re not with us now, we’ll need them in November.

Howard Dean: Ah. Believe me, I’m stroking’ ’em!

Campaign Advisor: Okay. Uh.. well, do you feel like taking a break? Because we can do that interview with the Sioux City Journal.

Howard Dean: Actually, I’d better finish calling the rest of these county chairmen first. Otherwise, I.. I might offend some of them!

Campaign Advisor: [ chuckles ] Okay, I hear you! Well, uh.. go back to this, and.. just let me know when you want that interview.

Howard Dean: Okay.

[ Campaign Advisor exits ]

Howard Dean: [ dials phone ] Hello, Andy! Howard Dean here! How we doing in Polk County? You still with us? Great! Really appreciate that. Iowa’s going to be crucial for us in November, and I need to know it’s in the bag. I don’t want to campaign here any more than I absolutely have to. [ a beat ] What? Because it’s a really boring place. You know that – you live here. No, trust me, it’s boring – nothing but corn and fat people. [ a beat ] Well, no offense, but your own family, for example. Well, anyway.. I’m afraid I’ve gotta run. But thanks for your support, okay? [ hangs up ] [ Campaign Advisor re-enters ]

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. excuse me, Governor.

Howard Dean: Hey, I just had a great talk with Andy Schaeffer from, uh.. Polk County.

Campaign Advisor: Uh, th-that’s good.. ’cause, I just got off the phone with Dale Switzer – you know, the county chair in Fort Dodge?

Howard Dean: Yeah.

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. according to Dale, you threatened his life.

Howard Dean: Not “threatened his life.” I simply said I’d “put a bullet through his head.”

Campaign Advisor: Okay. do you really think that was the best thing to say, Sir?

Howard Dean: It was an honest reaction to hearing that he wants to stay neutral. He could respect that.

Campaign Advisor: And, in his place, you wouldn’t be offended?

Howard Dean: Not at all! On the contrary. My response would be: “You know something? This Howard Dean is a different kind of politician. I like his straight talk! The fact that he’s not afraid to tell people things they don’t want to hear. I think we need more of that in Washington!”

Campaign Advisor: Okay.. Have you taken any of the medication that we got for you?

Howard Dean: No, I flushed it down the toilet!

Campaign Advisor: Well, I appreciate your honesty —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

Campaign Advisor: But, with due respect, Governor – and, speaking not just as your advisor, but as someone who passionately believes in what you’re trying to accomplish – I-I really feel that, in your dealings with people, in addition to the honesty, uh.. y-you need to use just a little more tact.

[ a beat as Dean processes the suggestion ]

Howard Dean: Why don’t you go f(beep) yourself?!

Campaign Advisor: Alright. [ chuckles uncomfortably ] Anything else?

Howard Dean: Yes. [ looks directly into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x