SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: DynaCorp


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit


Announcer…..Chris Parnell
…..Jessica Simpson
Porky…..Will Forte

[ open on footage of Jessica Simpson concert ending ] [ dissolve to Jessica running backstage ]

Announcer: Hey, Jessica – great concert!

Jessica Simpson: [ toweling off ] Thanks!

Announcer: Looks like you worked up quite an appeite out there!

Jessica Simpson: Did.. I.. ever! That’s why, after every show, I reach for a can of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna! [ holds up can ] Everyone knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna, but what you might not know is that tuna is fish, not chicken. So, look for the can with the mermaid on the label! Chicken of the Sea brand tuna – America’s #1 non-chicken brand fish!

Announcer: But.. what if you wanted tuna that is chicken?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] Huh..?

Announcer: If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you’ll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: [ examining the can ] Tuna of the.. Dirt..?

Announcer: Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!

Jessica Simpson: Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?

Announcer: Oh, it’s tuna alright – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you’re sure you don’t want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!

Jessica Simpson: Wait! I’m confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?

Announcer: Well, because he’s fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt – the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!

Jessica Simpson: This is so confusing! I think I’m just going to eat a piece of fruit.

Announcer: Then, you’re in luck! Becuase if you’re looking for fruit that’s every bit as good as our chicken and tuna, then you’ll want Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: Wait.. stop. Turkey of the Jungle?

Announcer: That’s right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they’d be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!

Jessica Simpson: Thid is ha-ard!

Announcer: Nothing hard about it. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas can be found in the chicken aisle, right next to Pork of the Orchard brand apples.

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Announcer: Pork of the Orchard brand apples. Look for the apples with the picture of a turkey on the can!

Jessica Simpson: [ greatly confused ] Uh.. uh.. so, if the apples.. have a turkey on the can.. then.. what does.. what does the can have with the bananas?

Announcer: Why, that would be the Turkey of the Jungle mascot – Porky, the Scubadiving Chicken! And Porky says:

[ Porky, a scubadiving chicken mascot, waddles up to Jessica ]Porky: [ singing ]“If you want fruit, not fish nor fowl
Turkey of the Jungle makes this chicken howl!”
Owwwwwww! This turkey is good bananas!

[ Porky waddles off ]

Jessica Simpson: Please stop.. my head hurts..

Announcer: Ohhhh.. then, you need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet – the turkey-flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can.

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: No!

Announcer: Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet brand turkey-flavored aspirin. Look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!

[ Jessica appears exasperated, as the camera pans over to a table full of DynaCorp products ] [ dissolve to phony product labels ]

Announcer: DynaCorp. Bringing you everything from Chicken of Sea brand tuna, to Shoepolish of the Outhouse brand typing paper. DynaCorp. The Kangaroo Rat of the Billiard Room.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

This is one for the ages

1 year ago

I swear it’s one of the single funniest and most quotable SNL skits. It’s up there with “suck it trebek” because, while it was quite the realty show riot, the entire situation spelled out in this skit is 100% why Ai is so fucking confused.

Jessica is too hot and works too hard to keep up with this capitalistic nonsense. Just give the woman a damn snack!

I almost peed myself rereading it because that phone service and internet I pay for is too shitty to load the video properly.

I’ve been thinking about Chicken of the Dirt for years and no one’s ever put any on the shelves.

8 months ago

Remember when you used to be able to successfully look up SNL skits online? Those were good days.

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