SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: MTV Future


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

MTV Future

…..Jessica Simpson
…..Nick Lachey

[open on “MTV Future” logo]

Announcer: This week, on MTV Future, check in with the seven roommates on “Real World: Uranus.” [dissolve to photo of seven roommates, including two robots and a green-skinned woman] Will Angie finally hook up with XRP89? Not if Brad dismantles him for parts first. Then, at the 10-Spot, a special encore presentation of the 2054 MTV Video Music Awards [dissolve to VMA logo] with your hosts Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen [dissolve to photo of elderly twin women], and special musical guest Blanket Jackson [dissolve to photo of a man dressed like Michael Jackson, with one glove and a blanket-like veil over his face]. Then join MTV Future for an all new season of our longest-running reality show, “Newlyweds.” [dissolve to black and white footage of an elderly Nick and Jessica dancing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”] After fifty years of marriage, our kooky couple is still going strong.

[dissolve to futuristic living room, with Nick and Jessica wearing silver clothing and the Earth visible through space outside their window]

Jessica: Nick. Nick! We’re out of Metamucil.

Nick: I’ll get some later.

Jessica: But, Nick, I need it. I haven’t dropped the kids off at the pool in three days.

Nick: Do you have to say that every single time you have to go to the bathroom? It’s been fifty years, honey. Get a new line!

Jessica: [clutches her stomach] Oooooh.

Announcer: Watch as they bravely face the challenges of growing old together.

[dissolve to kitchen]

Nick: [talking on the phone] Yes, I understand. Okay. [hangs up phone]

Jessica: What did the doctor say, honey?

Nick: Well, it’s like we thought. I have to have my eyeballs replaced.

Jessica: Oh, no!

Nick: Yes, after fifty years of constantly rolling them at you, they finally just wore out.

Jessica: That’s no fair. I want new eyeballs, too.

[Nick rolls his eyes and suddenly gasps in pain] [dissolve to black and white footage of Nick and Jessica kissing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”]

Announcer: “The Newlyweds Golden Anniversary Season” premiere. A night not to be missed.

[dissolve to living room with Nick and Jessica eating tuna from bowls]

Jessica: Listen, I know I’ve asked you this about a million times. But this “Chicken of the Sea,” is it chicken or tuna?

Nick: Neither one. Both chicken and tuna are extinct.

Jessica: So, you don’t mean…?

Nick: Yes. Chicken of the Sea is people. It’s people!

Jessica: Oh. I wonder why it makes me toot. [Nick chokes] [dissolve to MTV Future logo]

Announcer: Only on MTV Future.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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