Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 10
03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit
MTV Future
…..Jessica Simpson
…..Nick Lachey
Announcer: This week, on MTV Future, check in with the seven roommates on “Real World: Uranus.” [dissolve to photo of seven roommates, including two robots and a green-skinned woman] Will Angie finally hook up with XRP89? Not if Brad dismantles him for parts first. Then, at the 10-Spot, a special encore presentation of the 2054 MTV Video Music Awards [dissolve to VMA logo] with your hosts Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen [dissolve to photo of elderly twin women], and special musical guest Blanket Jackson [dissolve to photo of a man dressed like Michael Jackson, with one glove and a blanket-like veil over his face]. Then join MTV Future for an all new season of our longest-running reality show, “Newlyweds.” [dissolve to black and white footage of an elderly Nick and Jessica dancing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”] After fifty years of marriage, our kooky couple is still going strong.
[dissolve to futuristic living room, with Nick and Jessica wearing silver clothing and the Earth visible through space outside their window]Jessica: Nick. Nick! We’re out of Metamucil.
Nick: I’ll get some later.
Jessica: But, Nick, I need it. I haven’t dropped the kids off at the pool in three days.
Nick: Do you have to say that every single time you have to go to the bathroom? It’s been fifty years, honey. Get a new line!
Jessica: [clutches her stomach] Oooooh.
Announcer: Watch as they bravely face the challenges of growing old together.
[dissolve to kitchen]Nick: [talking on the phone] Yes, I understand. Okay. [hangs up phone]
Jessica: What did the doctor say, honey?
Nick: Well, it’s like we thought. I have to have my eyeballs replaced.
Jessica: Oh, no!
Nick: Yes, after fifty years of constantly rolling them at you, they finally just wore out.
Jessica: That’s no fair. I want new eyeballs, too.
[Nick rolls his eyes and suddenly gasps in pain] [dissolve to black and white footage of Nick and Jessica kissing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”]Announcer: “The Newlyweds Golden Anniversary Season” premiere. A night not to be missed.
[dissolve to living room with Nick and Jessica eating tuna from bowls]Jessica: Listen, I know I’ve asked you this about a million times. But this “Chicken of the Sea,” is it chicken or tuna?
Nick: Neither one. Both chicken and tuna are extinct.
Jessica: So, you don’t mean…?
Nick: Yes. Chicken of the Sea is people. It’s people!
Jessica: Oh. I wonder why it makes me toot. [Nick chokes] [dissolve to MTV Future logo]
Announcer: Only on MTV Future.
Submitted by: DavidK93
