SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: Victoria’s Secrets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Victoria’s Secrets

Melody…..Jessica Simpson
Phil…..Nick Lachey
Aunt…..Maya Rudolph
Damien…..Kenan Thompson

[Set at a Victoria Secret’s. Melody is folding clothes]

Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic femalebody mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you’redoing a great job. We’re psyched to have you on boardthe Victoria Secrets team.

Melody: Thanks Phil

Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touchesher ass)

Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)

Phil: Looking real good

Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil

Phil: You know I’m straight right?

Melody: Yes Phil

Phil: Oh, uh…(he begins to whisper something to herand walks off.)

[Enter old woman with nephew]

Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk

Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?

Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear

Aunt: I need some new drawers cause I’m going to asleepover function

Melody: Okay, we’ve got some pretty panties

Damien: Okay, I’ll be back in a minute, I’m gonna goto the apple store

Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You juststay here in case someone tries to snatch me.

Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We haveFrench cut panties, bikini cut panties

Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. Iam only interested in purchasing undergarments thatcover up my business.

Melody: These are from are very sexy collection.they’re really great because they’re very comfy andvery sexy too

Aunt: Young woman, I’ve got but one question. Do thesedrawers cover up your business?

Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business

Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My mooseygoosey.

Damien: Alright

Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugarbowl. My peppermint patty

Melody: I think I get it. You don’t want a thong

Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle bookand up out through your biscuits

Melody: Yeah

Aunt: No thank you

Phil: Hi ma’am. Can I help you with anything?

Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please.I mean her size is big and square

Phil: Uh actually ma’am, you can actually find whatyour looking for at Sears intimate apparel orMontgomery Ward

Aunt: What hot shot? You don’t think I’m woman enoughto shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, haveyou ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to theaudience and opens her coat) Check that out, you everseen something like these! What about these! And takea look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!

Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn’t mind take care ofthese nice people please? I’m gonna take a Pepcid ACand try to forget what just happened

Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cutpanties. There really cute holding up undies with acherry pattern.

Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on

Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room isright over there

Aunt: Nu uh, I’m gonna try them on right here in frontof God and everybody. I don’t have any secrets.Victoria does

[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]

Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go,and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull herup. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Andbinga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up mywoodchuck.

Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?

Aunt: Na baby, I’m ah keep them on. You can just aimthat scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. Butbaby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. Idon’t want it to get all fried up.


Aunt: There you go

Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents

Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no,you can keep these! (Starts to take them off butDamien stops her)

Damien: Ahh, I’ll pay for it, it’s alright

Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew’s gonna pay for my drawers.Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby,let’s go. Thank you! [They exit] [Phil enters]

Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer.You know, you’re a real classy lady!

Melody: Phil, don’t try to get up in (as the old lady)my moosey goosey

[Applause while fade screen to black]

Submitted by: Vanessa

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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