Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 10
03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit
Victoria’s Secrets
Melody…..Jessica Simpson
Phil…..Nick Lachey
Aunt…..Maya Rudolph
Damien…..Kenan Thompson
[Set at a Victoria Secrets. Melody is folding clothes]
Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic femalebody mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you’redoing a great job. We’re psyched to have you on boardthe Victoria Secrets team.
Melody: Thanks Phil
Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touchesher ass)
Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)
Phil: Looking real good
Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil
Phil: You know I’m straight right?
Melody: Yes Phil
Phil: Oh, uh…(he begins to whisper something to herand walks off.)
[Enter old woman with nephew]
Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk
Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?
Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear
Aunt: I need some new drawers cause Im going to asleepover function
Melody: Okay, we’ve got some pretty panties
Damien: Okay, Ill be back in a minute, Im gonna goto the apple store
Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You juststay here in case someone tries to snatch me.
Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We haveFrench cut panties, bikini cut panties
Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. Iam only interested in purchasing undergarments thatcover up my business.
Melody: These are from are very sexy collection.they’re really great because theyre very comfy andvery sexy too
Aunt: Young woman, I’ve got but one question. Do thesedrawers cover up your business?
Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business
Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My mooseygoosey.
Damien: Alright
Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugarbowl. My peppermint patty
Melody: I think I get it. You don’t want a thong
Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle bookand up out through your biscuits
Melody: Yeah
Aunt: No thank you
Phil: Hi maam. Can I help you with anything?
Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please.I mean her size is big and square
Phil: Uh actually ma’am, you can actually find whatyour looking for at Sears intimate apparel orMontgomery Ward
Aunt: What hot shot? You don’t think I’m woman enoughto shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, haveyou ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to theaudience and opens her coat) Check that out, you everseen something like these! What about these! And takea look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!
Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn’t mind take care ofthese nice people please? I’m gonna take a Pepcid ACand try to forget what just happened
Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cutpanties. There really cute holding up undies with acherry pattern.
Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on
Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room isright over there
Aunt: Nu uh, I’m gonna try them on right here in frontof God and everybody. I don’t have any secrets.Victoria does
[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]
Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go,and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull herup. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Andbinga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up mywoodchuck.
Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?
Aunt: Na baby, I’m ah keep them on. You can just aimthat scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. Butbaby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. Idon’t want it to get all fried up.
*BEEP*
Aunt: There you go
Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents
Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no,you can keep these! (Starts to take them off butDamien stops her)
Damien: Ahh, I’ll pay for it, it’s alright
Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew’s gonna pay for my drawers.Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby,let’s go. Thank you! [They exit]
[Phil enters]
Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer.You know, youre a real classy lady!
Melody: Phil, don’t try to get up in (as the old lady)my moosey goosey
[Applause while fade screen to black]
Submitted by: Vanessa
