SNL Transcripts: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: 01/17/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

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03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Gunther Kelly…..Will Forte
Patrick Kelly…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Michael Jackson appeared in court Friday to plead not guilty to childmolestation charges. Apparently the only way his handlers could get him there was by telling Michael that he had won the child molester of the millennium award. Jackson himself was seen dancing on his car after his court appearance, leading some to feel that Jackson’s legal team have been too afraid to tell him how serious these charges are. But really, how can they tell him that? There afraid to tell him it’s not raining. [Picture of Jackson on car with umbrella]

Jimmy Fallon: According to Magnificent Majestic, Michael Jackson’s personal magician, the purpose of Michael’s recent meetings with the nation of Islam is to insure that nobody is taking advantage of him financially. So don’t worry everyone – Michael Jackson’s personal magician is ensuring that nobody is taking advantage of him financially.

[Jackson walks in]

Michael Jackson: Excuse me. Hello everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Hello Michael, how are you?

Michael Jackson: Wonderful.

Tina Fey: How was your child molestation arraignment?

Michael Jackson: It was wonderful.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow that’s great. What do you have there?

Michael Jackson: Well, you two have always been so wonderful to me, so I wanted to invite you to a party.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, thank you.

Tina Fey: [Reads invitation] “In the spirit of love and togetherness, Michael Jackson would like to invite his fans and supporters to his Neverland Ranch for food, music, and free wieners for the kids.” Oh, Michael.

Michael Jackson: I hope you can make it. I have to go now. I gonna go buy some jelly beans at a magical candy store, on a cloud. Bye. [exits]

Jimmy Fallon: Bye Michael, good to see you again.

Tina Fey: He seems well. He seems well.

Jimmy Fallon: NBC said this Monday that “Frasier” will be ending this May after 11 seasons – 11 super-gay seasons. It was reported that after the show leaves the air, Kelsey Grammer may join the cast of “The Producers.” Grammer will be playing the role of Frasier Crane.

Tina Fey: President Bush on Wednesday outlined his ambitious vision for exploring outer space that includes plans to put a man on mars. That man – Howard Dean.

A new restaurant in Australia is opening called “Lewinsky’s”, inspired by former white house intern, Monica Lewinsky. Eat there once, pay for it the rest of your life.

Jimmy Fallon: Last week, we poked a little fun at Donald Trump and his new show “The Apprentice.” But maybe the last laugh was on us , “The Apprentice” is a hit. Here to say I told you so, is Donald Trump, ladies and gentleman.

[Donald Trump appears]

Donald Trump: Jimmy, Tina. What can I say? My news show “The Apprentice” is a classy, bold, and brassy hit. Like everything I put my name on – my buildings, my casinos, and my women, I knew it would be huge.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Let me ask you something about “The Apprentice.”

Donald Trump: Shoot.

Jimmy Fallon: Um, how do you think I would be as one of the contestants?

Donald Trump: I have to be honest Jimmy – the contestants on my show, both men and women, are business people with a lot of drive, and Jimmy, I think you’re a gooofball.

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jimmy Fallon: You do?

Donald Trump: And that’s only the beginning. I think everyone here would agree with me. Jimmy, you gotta do something about that hair…[pause]…What’s the matter?

Jimmy Fallon: M-“my” hair?

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I have a stylist I go to in Queens. His name is Antonio. I think he’s a fruit. But the bottom line is that the hair speaks for itself. Here’s his card, tell him I sent you, and ask for the onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no I’m not getting in on your loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, you’re making a mistake.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I’m making a mistake.

Donald Trump: I think you need an onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I need an onion loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I hate to do this, but you’re fired.

Jimmy Fallon: He’s got power. He can do this.

Donald Trump: Tina…

Tina Fey: Yeah, how do you think I would do, Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: Let me put it this way, Tina – men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Tina Fey: That’s gross.

Donald Trump: Tina, lose the glasses, and fix these. [ grabs his boobs ]

Tina Fey: Fix them?!

Jimmy Fallon: Maybe get an onion loaf, a couple of onion loafs.

Donald Trump: I could get you a job as a cocktail waitress at the Taj.

Tina Fey: Get out of here! The Donald, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: The Donald!

Tina Fey: I’m not going to fix these! [ touches her boobs ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Fix those!” Come on, Trump!

Tina Fey: In Us Weekly this week, [Imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] “I ate too much ice cream. I have to work through this ice cream headache to govern the state of California. No pain, no game!”

CBS announced that will not air’s winning anti-bush ad during the super bowl, saying that they don’t air so-called “issue ads.” Unless the issue is that girls are sluts for beer.

Jimmy Fallon: White Stripes lead singer, Jack White, plead innocent to charges on aggravated assault on singer Jason Stollsteimer. Although he pled guilty to aggravated assault on this here guitar lick…[Imitates playing guitar] Yeah! who wants to rock and roll? [guitar thrown at Fallon] Who is throwing guitars? What the hell is going on? You don’t throw a guitar at me. What’s wrong with people?

Tina Fey: American celebrities have been coming out of woodwork in recent weeks, offering endorsements of the various democratic hopefuls. Here is where the celebrities lineup, these are all real endorsements by the way. [Picture of Madonna] Madonna has thrown her endorsement to general Wesley Clark, because he said the word “kabbalah” once. [Picture of Sorkin and Douglas] Dick Gephardt hasbeen backed by Aaron Sorkin and Michael Douglas — no surprise there. Gephardt has always been the candidate of choice for crack heads and aging sex addicts. And here’s a good one. [Picture of Kutcher] Ashton Kutcher has endorsed John Edwards. So if you feel overwhelmed. Your feeling this next election is a very important one in American history, and you say to yourself “What does that guy from ‘That 70’s Show’ think I should do?” Who are you gonna vote for Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know. I mean, I like “Romancing the Stone,” so maybe Gephardt. I think I’m just gonna play it cool, and wait to see who Frankie Muniz endorses…Well, Frankie Muniz.

>Boxing ring announcer, Michael Buffer, got divorced last week. So now…..[in stereo voice, pulls down hanging microphone] Let’s get ready to move into the Y and have awkward conversations with our children!! …sorry. [normal voice] Please. I don’t want your charity, please!

Tina Fey: According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity, and releases pain reducing endorphins. But most importantly, it makes boys like you.

Jimmy Fallon: Nearly two weeks after landing on Mars, the Spirit Aover finally rolled off it’s lander Thursday, and joined 10 feet into the surface of the planet. So let’s see – It wakes up, rolls off a platform, moves 10 feet, and calls it a day. Apparently, the Rover has been programed to mimic the movements of Star Jones.

Hey, by the way, I want to say congratulation to America for landing on mars. [stands up to gloat] Yeah! What up bitch?! We got a go-kart on mars! Woo! I guess David Bowie was right! The second I play guitar! [guitar thrown at Fallon again] Stop throwing guitars at me! What the frig, man!

Tina Fey: It-it-it seems like you’re calling for a guitar.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I’m not though.

Tina Fey: All right. This week, President Bush used a special presidential power to appoint Charles W. Pickering to a federal appeals court judgeship. Despite the fact that he’d been blocked twice by the senate because of democratic opposition. This is a complicated situation, but lucky for us, we have some experts here to help explain it to us. Please welcome, from George Washington University law school, professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly.

Gunther Kelly: Thank you, Tina. The intricacies of presidential appointments, are difficult to understand, even for constitutional scholars like us. None the less, the presidents decision has significant implications. And its very important that the public understand exactly what this judicial appointment means.

Patrick Kelly: So to help people understand, we’ve composed a little song that explains the arcane aspects of the president’s action. We hope it might be a fun learning tool for anyone interested in the American system of checks and balances.

Gunther Kelly: So pay attention, here’s the Charles W. Pickering appeals court song…

Patrick Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Patrick Kelly: Take it Gunther.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. [soft voice] Yaaaaaaaaaa. [loud voice] Yaaaaaaaaaaa. Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Yaaaa.[pause] Ya-ya.

Tina Fey: It’s all clear now. Professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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