SNL Transcripts: Megan Mullally: 02/07/04: The Cabdriver


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Cabdriver

Cabdriver…..Megan Mullally
Professional Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Ethnic Black Man…..Finesse Mitchell

[ Professional Black Man enters cab ]

Cabdriver: Hi! Hello there.

Professional Black Man: [ talking on cellphone ] Have the projections on my desk by the time I arrive, please.

Cabdriver: I like black people!

Professional Black Man: That’s.. great. Me, too. [ on cellphone ] Alright, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Cabdriver: Yep! I like all the blackies! Black, black, black, black! Blackie! Blackie! Love it!

Professional Black Man: Excuse me? [ on cellphone ] Uh, Cindy? Let me call you back. [ hangs up ] You like what, now?

Cabdriver: Uh.. blackies? The Afros? Coloreds? I don’t know, you guys change it every year.

Professional Black Man: Excuse me, but, uh.. we haven’t been “Colored” for a very long time.

Cabdriver: Oh? Well.. anyway, it’s Black History Month, and you are my first Black-African-Negro-American today! Whoo! Free Mandela! So, where we off to, fool?

Professional Black Man: [ outraged ] What?!!

Cabdriver: Dawg?

Professional Black Man: What?!

Cabdriver: G?

Professional Black Man: Hey!

Cabdriver: My #1 Ace Boom!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Professional Black Man: Lady, are you on drugs or something? ‘Cause, if I wasn’t late, I would get out of this cab!

Cabdriver: Oh, my bad. Where to?

Professional Black Man: Just take me to —

Cabdriver: Harlem?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Bronx?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Brooklyn? BK in the cab!

Professional Black Man: No!!

Cabdriver: Listen, buddy – I’m not driving to Detroit!

Professional Black Man: Take me to Wall Street and Church!

Cabdriver: Nice suit.

Professional Black Man: Thanks.

Cabdriver: [ solemn ] I hope you get a fair trial.

Professional Black Man: Dammit!! I’m an investment banker!

Cabdriver: Yes, you are!

Professional Black Man: Look, just take me downtown..

Cabdriver: You got it, Chief! [ looks out window ] Oh! Hey, look! There’s another one! [ pulls over ]

Professional Black Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Cabdriver: Scoot over, Ice Cube! You think you’re the only black guy who needs a ride today? It’s Black History Month!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, y’all goin’ downtown?

Cabdriver: Yes, we are! The more the merrier!

Professional Black Man: I don’t believe this..

Ethnic Black Man: What’s up, black man?

Cabdriver: What’s up, black man!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, girl!

Cabdriver: It’s Black History Month! Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey! The man is already — Never mind.

Cabdriver: Mmm.. nice suit. Are you an “investment banker”, too?

Professional Black Man: Uh, no.. I violated my parole, so I’m doing court at noon.

Cabdriver: Finally! An honest answer! And we’re rollin’!

[ Cabdriver and Ethnic Black Man begin singing hymnal and rap music together, to Professional Black Man’s dismay ]

Ethnic Black Man: She’s cool!

Professional Black Man: No! She’s not!

Cabdriver: [ pointing out window ] Hey, look! Two more!

Professional Black Man: Hell, no!

Cabdriver: Look, but it’s two chocolate bunnies!

[ two black women enter cab ]

Cabdriver: Why don’t you ladies squeeze on in!

Professional Black Man: Look! This is ridiculous!

Ethnic Black Man: Hush, man. [ to the women ] Hey, how y’all doin’? Happy Black History Monh, ladies. I’m Jay..

Cabdriver: Ah! Licquor store! Anybody? Some Alize would set this party off!

Professional Black Man: Ooh! Alize! Yeah!

Professional Black Man: Alize, no! It’s ten in the morning!

Cabdriver: Uh-oh, lookie! Strip club!

Black Women: Oh, that’s us.

Cabdriver: Anyone else?

Ethnic Black Man: Oh.. uh.. yeah, I got time. [ to Professional Black Man ] Lata, playa!

Cabdriver: Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Cabdriver: Tupac lives!

Ethnic Black Man: Alright.. now, first of all, it’s “Tu-pac”; and, second of all, don’t play with my emotions. [ hops out cab ] Hey, ladies! Wait up!

Professional Black Man: Look – could you please just take me to Wall Street now? No more stops, no more other random black people, no more conversation. Can you do that?

Cabdriver: I sure can, sir! How about some soft variety music along the way?

Professional Black Man: I guess that would be alright.

[ Cabdriver turns on loud rap music and puts rap chain around neck ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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