SNL Transcripts: Megan Mullally: 02/07/04: The Cabdriver

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Cabdriver

Cabdriver…..Megan Mullally
Professional Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Ethnic Black Man…..Finesse Mitchell

[ Professional Black Man enters cab ]

Cabdriver: Hi! Hello there.

Professional Black Man: [ talking on cellphone ] Have the projections on my desk by the time I arrive, please.

Cabdriver: I like black people!

Professional Black Man: That’s.. great. Me, too. [ on cellphone ] Alright, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Cabdriver: Yep! I like all the blackies! Black, black, black, black! Blackie! Blackie! Love it!

Professional Black Man: Excuse me? [ on cellphone ] Uh, Cindy? Let me call you back. [ hangs up ] You like what, now?

Cabdriver: Uh.. blackies? The Afros? Coloreds? I don’t know, you guys change it every year.

Professional Black Man: Excuse me, but, uh.. we haven’t been “Colored” for a very long time.

Cabdriver: Oh? Well.. anyway, it’s Black History Month, and you are my first Black-African-Negro-American today! Whoo! Free Mandela! So, where we off to, fool?

Professional Black Man: [ outraged ] What?!!

Cabdriver: Dawg?

Professional Black Man: What?!

Cabdriver: G?

Professional Black Man: Hey!

Cabdriver: My #1 Ace Boom!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Professional Black Man: Lady, are you on drugs or something? ‘Cause, if I wasn’t late, I would get out of this cab!

Cabdriver: Oh, my bad. Where to?

Professional Black Man: Just take me to —

Cabdriver: Harlem?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Bronx?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Brooklyn? BK in the cab!

Professional Black Man: No!!

Cabdriver: Listen, buddy – I’m not driving to Detroit!

Professional Black Man: Take me to Wall Street and Church!

Cabdriver: Nice suit.

Professional Black Man: Thanks.

Cabdriver: [ solemn ] I hope you get a fair trial.

Professional Black Man: Dammit!! I’m an investment banker!

Cabdriver: Yes, you are!

Professional Black Man: Look, just take me downtown..

Cabdriver: You got it, Chief! [ looks out window ] Oh! Hey, look! There’s another one! [ pulls over ]

Professional Black Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Cabdriver: Scoot over, Ice Cube! You think you’re the only black guy who needs a ride today? It’s Black History Month!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, y’all goin’ downtown?

Cabdriver: Yes, we are! The more the merrier!

Professional Black Man: I don’t believe this..

Ethnic Black Man: What’s up, black man?

Cabdriver: What’s up, black man!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, girl!

Cabdriver: It’s Black History Month! Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey! The man is already — Never mind.

Cabdriver: Mmm.. nice suit. Are you an “investment banker”, too?

Professional Black Man: Uh, no.. I violated my parole, so I’m doing court at noon.

Cabdriver: Finally! An honest answer! And we’re rollin’!

[ Cabdriver and Ethnic Black Man begin singing hymnal and rap music together, to Professional Black Man’s dismay ]

Ethnic Black Man: She’s cool!

Professional Black Man: No! She’s not!

Cabdriver: [ pointing out window ] Hey, look! Two more!

Professional Black Man: Hell, no!

Cabdriver: Look, but it’s two chocolate bunnies!

[ two black women enter cab ]

Cabdriver: Why don’t you ladies squeeze on in!

Professional Black Man: Look! This is ridiculous!

Ethnic Black Man: Hush, man. [ to the women ] Hey, how y’all doin’? Happy Black History Monh, ladies. I’m Jay..

Cabdriver: Ah! Licquor store! Anybody? Some Alize would set this party off!

Professional Black Man: Ooh! Alize! Yeah!

Professional Black Man: Alize, no! It’s ten in the morning!

Cabdriver: Uh-oh, lookie! Strip club!

Black Women: Oh, that’s us.

Cabdriver: Anyone else?

Ethnic Black Man: Oh.. uh.. yeah, I got time. [ to Professional Black Man ] Lata, playa!

Cabdriver: Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Cabdriver: Tupac lives!

Ethnic Black Man: Alright.. now, first of all, it’s “Tu-pac”; and, second of all, don’t play with my emotions. [ hops out cab ] Hey, ladies! Wait up!

Professional Black Man: Look – could you please just take me to Wall Street now? No more stops, no more other random black people, no more conversation. Can you do that?

Cabdriver: I sure can, sir! How about some soft variety music along the way?

Professional Black Man: I guess that would be alright.

[ Cabdriver turns on loud rap music and puts rap chain around neck ] [ fade ]

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