Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken
The Cabdriver
Cabdriver…..Megan Mullally
Professional Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Ethnic Black Man…..Finesse Mitchell
[ Professional Black Man enters cab ]
Cabdriver: Hi! Hello there.
Professional Black Man: [ talking on cellphone ] Have the projections on my desk by the time I arrive, please.
Cabdriver: I like black people!
Professional Black Man: That’s.. great. Me, too. [ on cellphone ] Alright, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.
Cabdriver: Yep! I like all the blackies! Black, black, black, black! Blackie! Blackie! Love it!
Professional Black Man: Excuse me? [ on cellphone ] Uh, Cindy? Let me call you back. [ hangs up ] You like what, now?
Cabdriver: Uh.. blackies? The Afros? Coloreds? I don’t know, you guys change it every year.
Professional Black Man: Excuse me, but, uh.. we haven’t been “Colored” for a very long time.
Cabdriver: Oh? Well.. anyway, it’s Black History Month, and you are my first Black-African-Negro-American today! Whoo! Free Mandela! So, where we off to, fool?
Professional Black Man: [ outraged ] What?!!
Cabdriver: Dawg?
Professional Black Man: What?!
Cabdriver: G?
Professional Black Man: Hey!
Cabdriver: My #1 Ace Boom!
Professional Black Man: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!
Professional Black Man: Lady, are you on drugs or something? ‘Cause, if I wasn’t late, I would get out of this cab!
Cabdriver: Oh, my bad. Where to?
Professional Black Man: Just take me to —
Cabdriver: Harlem?
Professional Black Man: No!
Cabdriver: Bronx?
Professional Black Man: No!
Cabdriver: Brooklyn? BK in the cab!
Professional Black Man: No!!
Cabdriver: Listen, buddy – I’m not driving to Detroit!
Professional Black Man: Take me to Wall Street and Church!
Cabdriver: Nice suit.
Professional Black Man: Thanks.
Cabdriver: [ solemn ] I hope you get a fair trial.
Professional Black Man: Dammit!! I’m an investment banker!
Cabdriver: Yes, you are!
Professional Black Man: Look, just take me downtown..
Cabdriver: You got it, Chief! [ looks out window ] Oh! Hey, look! There’s another one! [ pulls over ]
Professional Black Man: Hey, what are you doing?
Cabdriver: Scoot over, Ice Cube! You think you’re the only black guy who needs a ride today? It’s Black History Month!
Ethnic Black Man: Hey, y’all goin’ downtown?
Cabdriver: Yes, we are! The more the merrier!
Professional Black Man: I don’t believe this..
Ethnic Black Man: What’s up, black man?
Cabdriver: What’s up, black man!
Ethnic Black Man: Hey, girl!
Cabdriver: It’s Black History Month! Free Mandela!
Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!
Professional Black Man: Hey, hey! The man is already — Never mind.
Cabdriver: Mmm.. nice suit. Are you an “investment banker”, too?
Professional Black Man: Uh, no.. I violated my parole, so I’m doing court at noon.
Cabdriver: Finally! An honest answer! And we’re rollin’!
[ Cabdriver and Ethnic Black Man begin singing hymnal and rap music together, to Professional Black Man’s dismay ]
Ethnic Black Man: She’s cool!
Professional Black Man: No! She’s not!
Cabdriver: [ pointing out window ] Hey, look! Two more!
Professional Black Man: Hell, no!
Cabdriver: Look, but it’s two chocolate bunnies!
[ two black women enter cab ]
Cabdriver: Why don’t you ladies squeeze on in!
Professional Black Man: Look! This is ridiculous!
Ethnic Black Man: Hush, man. [ to the women ] Hey, how y’all doin’? Happy Black History Monh, ladies. I’m Jay..
Cabdriver: Ah! Licquor store! Anybody? Some Alize would set this party off!
Professional Black Man: Ooh! Alize! Yeah!
Professional Black Man: Alize, no! It’s ten in the morning!
Cabdriver: Uh-oh, lookie! Strip club!
Black Women: Oh, that’s us.
Cabdriver: Anyone else?
Ethnic Black Man: Oh.. uh.. yeah, I got time. [ to Professional Black Man ] Lata, playa!
Cabdriver: Free Mandela!
Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!
Cabdriver: Tupac lives!
Ethnic Black Man: Alright.. now, first of all, it’s “Tu-pac”; and, second of all, don’t play with my emotions. [ hops out cab ] Hey, ladies! Wait up!
Professional Black Man: Look – could you please just take me to Wall Street now? No more stops, no more other random black people, no more conversation. Can you do that?
Cabdriver: I sure can, sir! How about some soft variety music along the way?
Professional Black Man: I guess that would be alright.
[ Cabdriver turns on loud rap music and puts rap chain around neck ]
[ fade ]
