SNL Transcripts: Megan Mullally: 02/07/04: Baby Boyfriend


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Baby Boyfriend

Kevin…..Seth Meyers
Ann…..Amy Poehler
Mother…..Megan Mullally

[Opening scene begins with an image of a suburban house. Transistion to Kevin and Ann in bed together.]

Kevin: Good morning.

Ann: Good morning, babe.

Kevin: [They both sit up.] See, it wasn’t so bad sleeping in my old room.

Ann: No, it was nice of your mom to let us sleep together. Some moms can be really weird about that.

Kevin: Well, I mean, we are engaged. And besides, I think you’ll find out my mom’s a pretty cool lady.

Ann: Doesn’t look like she’s changed a thing in here. Even those robot toys haven’t moved.

Kevin: Well, I guess she misses her little boy.

Ann: Aw, I think it’s adorable.

Kevin: Aw. (Hugs and kisses her.)

[Mother enters the room, singing cheerfully]

Mother: Time to wake up you sleepy heads, little boys need to get out of bed. It’s a whole new day, and it’s lots of fun. If you don’t beleive me, [Kevin joins in] Just ask Mr. Sun!

Kevin: Yeah! [Gets out of bed.] Morning kisses!

Mother: 1, 2, 3 [Kevin and Mother hold hands. They kiss each other’s cheeks 3 times. They are then nose to nose and shaking their heads.] And big hug! [They hug each other.] That’s my baby boy! [Goes to leave the room. She turns around and stops being cheerful.] Good morning, Ann. [Exits room.]

Ann: Good morning, Mrs. — Well, that was weird.

Kevin: What was weird?

Ann: Your mom. She treats you like a 5-year old. It’s kind of weird.

Kevin: You’re weird!

Ann: Kevin!

Kevin: I’m sorry. Look, I’m really sorry. It’s just that my mom’s very affectionate. I’m sorry.

Ann: I’m sorry, too. Look, it’s not a big deal, babe.

Kevin: Alright, thanks, babe. So, what do you want to do today? The Carnegie Museum has a great Renoir exhibit, so that’ll be fun–

Mother: [Behind bedroom door, cheerful.] Is there a baby bear hiding in there?

Kevin: Oh man! I gotta hide! Don’t tell her where I am! [Takes the blanket off the bed, sits in the corner, and puts blanket over himself.]

Mother: [Enters room.] Where is that baby bear? Where is he? Is under the bed? Is he in the drawer? Where is he? [Goes up to Ann.] Hello, have you seen the baby bear?

Ann: Uh, he’s over there. [Points to the corner. Mother stops being cheerful, walks over to Kevin, and pulls the blanket off of him.]

Kevin: Ahh! Roar! How did you find me?

Mother: [Points to Ann.] Ann told me. [Exits the bedroom.]

Kevin: [He gets up.] Why did you, um, why did you tell her where I was?

Ann: What are you talking about?

Kevin: Well, when someone’s looking for a baby bear, you don’t tell them where he is. Because if you do, then what’s the point?

Ann: You’re 34!

Kevin: I’m 34 and a half! Besides, look, I only come once a year, you know, and, uh, my mom gets really lonely, so I just know it really means alot to her when I come home.

Ann: [Gets out of bed.] Okay. Alright. It’s just, I don’t know, I guess my family’s really different.

Kevin: Yeah, I know. It’s not your fault that your family sucks.

Ann: They do not suck!

Kevin: [Sarcastic tone.] Oh, no. It’s tons of fun going to your house. I mean, we get woken up by an alarm, your dad read the newspaper, everyone showered separately.

Ann: Wait, what?

Kevin: What? Look, look, shhh. [Takes Ann’s hand and kisses it.] Look, the thing is, like–I’m sorry, why don’t we just–Can we start this whole morning over?

Ann: You know what? I would love that.

Kevin: Okay. [They hug.] Let’s get dressed and go to the museum.

Mother: First one downstairs gets waffles!

Kevin: [Pushes Ann onto the bed.] Move, woman! [Runs towards the door.]

Ann: Oh my God! Kevin! [Gets up.]

Kevin: [He stops running.] I’m sorry. That was toally instinct.

Ann: You know, I will not stand here and literally be pushed out of the way for your mother. You got to tell her you’re an adult now and there’s a new woman in your life. Do it for me.

Kevin: Okay, you’re right.

Mother: [Enters the room with a plate of waffles.] Oh, thank goodness you’re okay, Kevin. When you didn’t come downstairs for your waffles, I thought Ann had murdered you.

Ann: Mrs. Vandervort! Come on!

Mother: He really likes his waffles, Ann.

Ann: Kevin has something to tell you.

Mother: You do, Kevin? [Kevin nodds his head.] But don’t you want to eat your waffles first?

Kevin: [Nodds his head.] Mmm Hmm!

Mother: Ann, is it okay if Kevin has a waffle in the house he grew up in, or are you just a terrible person?

Ann: Yeah, that’s fine.

[Kevin takes a bite of waffle.]

Mother: Yum yum yum. Waffles in the tummy!

Kevin: Num, num, num num num. Num, num, num num num…

Ann: Kevin, Kevin. Whenever you’re ready.

Kevin: Oh, right.

Mother: Ah, ah, ah. Come here. [Licks her thumb and rubs the corner of his mouth.] There you go. No waffles on the pretty face. I don’t like to see my little boy unhappy. So you…[starts baby talk.]

Kevin: Okay, well Ann and I were talking–

Mother: Uh oh. According to my watch, it’s 10 seconds to tickle time!

Kevin: [Shakes his head.] No!

Mother: Yes!

Kevin: No! [Runs from her. Mother begins to follow him.]

Mother: 5, 4, 3, 2, Tickle! [They both are laughing and fall on the bed while Mother is tickling him.]

Kevin: No! Don’t give me a zerbert! [Mother lifts up his shirt and gives him a zerbert.] I’m gonna go pee pee! [Gets up and exits the room.]

Mother: [Stops laughing and checks her nails.] Ann, did you have something you want to say to me?

Kevin: I need help with my zipper!

Ann: Oh my God. [Takes off her engagement ring.] You know what, I’m gonna leave you this ring. [Gives Mother the ring and runs off camera. Mother puts the ring on.]

Kevin: Mommy!

Mother: Coming, Pickles! [Gets off the bed and walks off camera.]


Submitted by: Toni

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x