Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
[Opening scene begins with an image of a suburban house. Transistion to Kevin and Ann in bed together.]
Kevin: Good morning.
Ann: Good morning, babe.
Kevin: [They both sit up.] See, it wasn’t so bad sleeping in my old room.
Ann: No, it was nice of your mom to let us sleep together. Some moms can be really weird about that.
Kevin: Well, I mean, we are engaged. And besides, I think you’ll find out my mom’s a pretty cool lady.
Ann: Doesn’t look like she’s changed a thing in here. Even those robot toys haven’t moved.
Kevin: Well, I guess she misses her little boy.
Ann: Aw, I think it’s adorable.
Kevin: Aw. (Hugs and kisses her.)
[Mother enters the room, singing cheerfully]
Mother: Time to wake up you sleepy heads, little boys need to get out of bed. It’s a whole new day, and it’s lots of fun. If you don’t beleive me, [Kevin joins in] Just ask Mr. Sun!
Kevin: Yeah! [Gets out of bed.] Morning kisses!
Mother: 1, 2, 3 [Kevin and Mother hold hands. They kiss each other’s cheeks 3 times. They are then nose to nose and shaking their heads.] And big hug! [They hug each other.] That’s my baby boy! [Goes to leave the room. She turns around and stops being cheerful.] Good morning, Ann. [Exits room.]
Ann: Good morning, Mrs. — Well, that was weird.
Kevin: What was weird?
Ann: Your mom. She treats you like a 5-year old. It’s kind of weird.
Kevin: You’re weird!
Kevin: I’m sorry. Look, I’m really sorry. It’s just that my mom’s very affectionate. I’m sorry.
Ann: I’m sorry, too. Look, it’s not a big deal, babe.
Kevin: Alright, thanks, babe. So, what do you want to do today? The Carnegie Museum has a great Renoir exhibit, so that’ll be fun–
Mother: [Behind bedroom door, cheerful.] Is there a baby bear hiding in there?
Kevin: Oh man! I gotta hide! Don’t tell her where I am! [Takes the blanket off the bed, sits in the corner, and puts blanket over himself.]
Mother: [Enters room.] Where is that baby bear? Where is he? Is under the bed? Is he in the drawer? Where is he? [Goes up to Ann.] Hello, have you seen the baby bear?
Ann: Uh, he’s over there. [Points to the corner. Mother stops being cheerful, walks over to Kevin, and pulls the blanket off of him.]
Kevin: Ahh! Roar! How did you find me?
Mother: [Points to Ann.] Ann told me. [Exits the bedroom.]
Kevin: [He gets up.] Why did you, um, why did you tell her where I was?
Ann: What are you talking about?
Kevin: Well, when someone’s looking for a baby bear, you don’t tell them where he is. Because if you do, then what’s the point?
Ann: You’re 34!
Kevin: I’m 34 and a half! Besides, look, I only come once a year, you know, and, uh, my mom gets really lonely, so I just know it really means alot to her when I come home.
Ann: [Gets out of bed.] Okay. Alright. It’s just, I don’t know, I guess my family’s really different.
Kevin: Yeah, I know. It’s not your fault that your family sucks.
Ann: They do not suck!
Kevin: [Sarcastic tone.] Oh, no. It’s tons of fun going to your house. I mean, we get woken up by an alarm, your dad read the newspaper, everyone showered separately.
Ann: Wait, what?
Kevin: What? Look, look, shhh. [Takes Ann’s hand and kisses it.] Look, the thing is, like–I’m sorry, why don’t we just–Can we start this whole morning over?
Ann: You know what? I would love that.
Kevin: Okay. [They hug.] Let’s get dressed and go to the museum.
Mother: First one downstairs gets waffles!
Kevin: [Pushes Ann onto the bed.] Move, woman! [Runs towards the door.]
Ann: Oh my God! Kevin! [Gets up.]
Kevin: [He stops running.] I’m sorry. That was toally instinct.
Ann: You know, I will not stand here and literally be pushed out of the way for your mother. You got to tell her you’re an adult now and there’s a new woman in your life. Do it for me.
Kevin: Okay, you’re right.
Mother: [Enters the room with a plate of waffles.] Oh, thank goodness you’re okay, Kevin. When you didn’t come downstairs for your waffles, I thought Ann had murdered you.
Ann: Mrs. Vandervort! Come on!
Mother: He really likes his waffles, Ann.
Ann: Kevin has something to tell you.
Mother: You do, Kevin? [Kevin nodds his head.] But don’t you want to eat your waffles first?
Kevin: [Nodds his head.] Mmm Hmm!
Mother: Ann, is it okay if Kevin has a waffle in the house he grew up in, or are you just a terrible person?
Ann: Yeah, that’s fine.
[Kevin takes a bite of waffle.]
Mother: Yum yum yum. Waffles in the tummy!
Kevin: Num, num, num num num. Num, num, num num num…
Ann: Kevin, Kevin. Whenever you’re ready.
Kevin: Oh, right.
Mother: Ah, ah, ah. Come here. [Licks her thumb and rubs the corner of his mouth.] There you go. No waffles on the pretty face. I don’t like to see my little boy unhappy. So you…[starts baby talk.]
Kevin: Okay, well Ann and I were talking–
Mother: Uh oh. According to my watch, it’s 10 seconds to tickle time!
Kevin: [Shakes his head.] No!
Kevin: No! [Runs from her. Mother begins to follow him.]
Mother: 5, 4, 3, 2, Tickle! [They both are laughing and fall on the bed while Mother is tickling him.]
Kevin: No! Don’t give me a zerbert! [Mother lifts up his shirt and gives him a zerbert.] I’m gonna go pee pee! [Gets up and exits the room.]
Mother: [Stops laughing and checks her nails.] Ann, did you have something you want to say to me?
Kevin: I need help with my zipper!
Ann: Oh my God. [Takes off her engagement ring.] You know what, I’m gonna leave you this ring. [Gives Mother the ring and runs off camera. Mother puts the ring on.]
Mother: Coming, Pickles! [Gets off the bed and walks off camera.]
Submitted by: Toni