Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte
Sen. Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
[ open to Nightline logo ]
Announcer: This is ABC News Nightline. Reporting from Washington, here is Ted Koppel.[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the studio ]
Ted Koppel: Good evening. Slowly but unmistakably, the political landscape is taking shape. Where once there were nine Democratic hopefuls, we are now down to three serious contenders. I’m joined tonight by the Democratic frontrunner, Sen. John Kerry. Congratulations on a big day, Senator.
Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you.. thank you, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Joining me as well, from the campaign trail, Sen. John Edwards.
Sen. John Edwards: Americas we are currently —
Ted Koppel: Hold that thought, Senator. And,from his home in Connecticut, the big loser in this week’s primary races, Sen. Joseph Lieberman.
Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Uh.. uh.. I really don’t see myself as a loser, Ted.
Ted Koppel: You can call it whatever you want, Senator, but it doesn’t change hte fact that you stunk it up out there.
Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Fair enough.
Ted Koppel: Gentlemen, I’m going to be blunt. You know what we in the press have been saying – you also know there may have been deception at the highest level. Already, a special panel has been charged with investigating the matter – I’ll start with you, Sen. Kerry. Wehre do you stand, with regards to Janet Jackson’s be-yoob?
Sen. John Kerry: Uh, I’m sorry, Ted.. I didn’t catch that..
Ted Koppel: The be-yoob! Miss Janet Jackson’s exposed mammory. Comments?
Sen. John Kerry: Well.. I think, first off, the Amercian people are more concerned about jobs, the future of their children. not the.. halftime sohw at the Superbowl, and.. that’s what my campaign is all —
Ted Koppel: Sen. Edwards, perhaps you won’t be so evasive. It’s the most Googled story in two years. We in the news business can’t stop talking about it. You saw it – round, perhaps fake, smaller than most of us like. But.. there it was. Comments?
Sen. John Edwards: Uh, Ted.. ah was deeply offended by what ah saw.. but, ah agree with my colleague, Sen. Kerry – this election will be won on issues real Americans care about, like Health Care.
Ted Koppel: Well, let’s talk about Health Care. Was it a healthy breast? It didn’t look healthy. I thought it had more sag to it than it should have. and what was that Chinese throwing star doing stuck to it? Sen. Kerry?
Sen. John Kerry: Uhhh.. I’m.. I’m not sure that’s what it was, Ted.. but I guess if there is any issue —
Ted Koppel: If there is an issue?? You know, gentlemen, the way it seems to me, you appear to be afraid to weigh in on this subject, until the Budsh camp has formed a position. I throw the question to you, Sen. Lieberman, because you have nothing at stake. You clearly have nothing more to lose.
Sen. Joseph Lieberman: W-well, thank you, Ted.. I, I.. did overestimate my appeal.. uh.. but, as you know, during my campaign, I often talked about holding the entertainment industry more accounable. To this end, I TiVoed the Superbowl halftime show.. uh. I paused it many times.. and, and.. frankly, because I’m no longer in the race, I can say I wish it had been Queen Latifah. Uh.. or, or, perhaps Catherine Bell, you know, from “JAG”.
Ted Koppel: I know who Catherine Bell is, Senator, and, yes, that would have been nice., that would have been very nice. In fact, it would have been exquisite, for a man of my age and habits. But, was it an accident?
Sen. Joseph Lieberman: I don’t see how it could have been, Ted.. I, I must have watched it a hundred times.
Sen. John Kerry: And may I just say once again – I don’t see how this relates to the larger issue —
Ted Koppel: No, you may not! Sen. Lieberman and I were discussing an important part of a woman’s anatomy. Unlike you or Edwards, we both recognize this is a very big story. That be-yoob didn’t just pop out on its own! Did Justin know? And what about that red bra that was supposed to be there? Will Janet be allowed to present at the Grammys? Will this hurt Justin? I hope not. Sen. Kerry – final thoughts?
Sen. John Kerry: Ted, I.. I think you need to find help!
Ted Koppel: You can’t evade the tough questions forever, Senator. Join me tomorrow night, for part five of my series on the be-yoob. Stay tuned for.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”