Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
The Wizard of Oz
Glenda the Good Witch…..Maya Rudolph
Munchkin #1…..Fred Armisen
Munchkin #2…..Seth Meyers
Munchkin #3…..Chris Parnell
Munchkin #4…..Will Forte
Munchkin #5…..Rachel Dratch
Munchkin #6…..Kenan Thompson
Munchkin #7…..Horatio Sanz
Munchkin Lawyer…..Megan Mullally
Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”.[ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]
Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.[ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]
Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly![ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]
Dorothy: Why are they laughing?
Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.
Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!
Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.
Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?
Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..
Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!
Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!
Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!
Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!
Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!!
Munchkin #4: My spine!!
Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!
Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!
Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —
Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!
Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]
Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..
Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!
Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house![ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]
Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!
Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!
Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!
Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there![ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]
Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ] [ the Munchkins scream in horror ]
Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?[ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]
Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.
Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!
Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna —[ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]
Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families!
The victims’ families, the victims’ families!
And in the name of victims’ families
We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”
Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!
Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!
Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..[ a slow dissolve, but no change ]
Dorothy: Aw, crap!
Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.
Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto![ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]
Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!
Music Out: “Money”, Pink Floyd.