SNL Transcripts: Megan Mullally: 02/07/04: The Wizard of Oz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03km: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Wizard of Oz

Dorothy…..Amy Poehler
Glenda the Good Witch…..Maya Rudolph
Munchkin #1…..Fred Armisen
Munchkin #2…..Seth Meyers
Munchkin #3…..Chris Parnell
Munchkin #4…..Will Forte
Munchkin #5…..Rachel Dratch
Munchkin #6…..Kenan Thompson
Munchkin #7…..Horatio Sanz
Munchkin Lawyer…..Megan Mullally
…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]

Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”.

[ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]

Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.

[ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]

Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly!

[ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]

Dorothy: Why are they laughing?

Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.

Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.

Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?

Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..

Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!

[ show the Wicked Witch’s shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house ]

Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!

Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!

Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!!

[ show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house ]

Munchkin #4: My spine!!

Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!

Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!

Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —

Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!

Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —

[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]

Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..

Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!

Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house!

[ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]

Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!

Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!

Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!

Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there!

[ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]

Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ] [ the Munchkins scream in horror ]

Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?

[ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]

Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.

Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!

Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna —

[ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]

Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families!
The victims’ families, the victims’ families!
And in the name of victims’ families
We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”

Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!

Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!

Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

[ a slow dissolve, but no change ]

Dorothy: Aw, crap!

Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.

Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!

Dorothy: Oh! Toto!

[ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]

Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!

Music Out: “Money”, Pink Floyd.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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