Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
Celebrity Poker Showdown
Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Pollack…..Jimmy Fallon
Phil Gordon/Bravo Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tammy Faye Messner…..Megan Mullally
[fade in on Bravo station identification screen with big band music playing]
Bravo Announcer: Youre watching BravoThe Gay Stuff and Poker Network.[dissolve to last part of animated opening sequence from Celebrity Poker Showdown] [dissolve again to Kevin Pollack and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]
Kevin Pollack: Welcome back to Celebrity Poker Showdown. Im your host, the Man of 1000 Voices, Kevin Pollack. With me is poker professional, Phil Gordon [Gordon waves to the camera]. Phil, weve got a real barn burner here todayor as William Shatner would say [in Shatner-esque cadence]: Spock Bones We got a realbarn burnerhere today. [in normal voice]: Thats Captain Kirk.
Phil Gordon: [half-heartedly] Thats great, Kevin.
Kevin Pollack: [not reading into the weak compliment] Yes, it is great.
Phil Gordon: All right, lets look at the current chip count. Carrot Top is in first place [an animated poker chip rolls across the screen, cutting to the stage where the four players and the dealer are seated] with $300,000.[cut to Carrot Top]
Carrot Top: Hey, check it out, I have two pair [holds up two pears] or maybe I have a flush [holds up a miniature toilet and laughs annoyingly] [cut to Geraldo Rivera]
Phil Gordon V/O: Geraldo Rivera is in second place with $260,000.
Geraldo Rivera: [while speaking into his Fox News microphone] Im here at the Minions Horseshoe Casino with these dastardly daredevils known as professional poker players, but for all the danger and dastardliness that surrounds me, I might as well be taking mortifier in Mogadeeshenu as I so often have.[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit in third place with $150,000[cut to Gene Shalit]
Gene Shalit: I have a real chip on my shoulder [holds up a poker chip] about this card game. And you can tell your ante Id like to poker.
Phil Gordon: And finally, Tammy Faye Messner, formerly Tammy Faye Bakker, from TVs The Surreal Life has $120,000.[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]
Tammy Faye Messner: Thats okay. After all, you cant buy your way into Heaven [laughs heartily, then starts sobbing] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Now, youyou have to admit; Tammy Faye has been playing well, despite repeating sobbing fits.[cut back to Tammy Faye, sobbing harder than before with black mascara running down her face] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Now, my moneys on Gene Shalit. Hes been playing great, except for the hands that he missed when he went out for Blimpies. Hes got to be the favorite.
Kevin Pollack: [in Colombo voice] Uh, pardon me, maam, Im sorry to bother you. Just one more time, I agree with you [in normal voice]: Thats Peter Falk as Colombo.
Phil Gordon: [slightly annoyed] ThatsThats really great.
Kevin Pollack: It is. It was.
Phil Gordon: [sighs, changes the subject] Lets head back to the table. [cut back to stage where the four players and the dealer are seated]: The great thing is, thanks to our lipstick cameras, we can see what cards the players have. Okay [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Geraldos hand] Geraldo Rivera has [hand picks up cards, revealing an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs] an eight and a ten.[cut to Geraldo, speaking into his Fox News microphone]
Geraldo Rivera: Once again, my portentious plans for victory have been thwarted by the igdaminious ten to eight of suit. I have no other recourse but to boldly bluff. I bet $2000.[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Now, this brings up a good point: if youre going to try to bluff, try not to announce it into your hand mike. [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Tammy Fayes hands, which now inexplicably have fake red fingernails on them]: Tammy Faye Messner has [hand picks up a pair of sixesone the six of diamonds, the other, the six of spadescaked in foundation and blush]: And though they seem to be covered in make-up, it makes a good hand.[cut to Tammy Faye Messner, her cheeks streaked with runny mascara, but now with a smile on her face]
Tammy Faye Messner: Well, as the Lord sayeth unto us, We must always bet hard pre-flop with a low-pocket pair. Im in for twenty grand.
Phil Gordon V/O: Tammy Faye is in for $20,000.
Kevin Pollack: [imitating Christopher Walken] Youyouyou know, if Christopher Walken were here hed surely be wowed. [in normal voice to Phil Gordon, who is not impressed by the impersonation]: Thats ChristopherChristopher Walken.
Phil Gordon: [has had enough of Pollacks voices]: Yeah. Id like you to stop that.
Kevin Pollack: [imitating Johnny Carson] And I will definitely stop that. [in normal voice]: Thats Johnny Carson.
Phil Gordon: How did you even get this job?
Kevin Pollack: [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Nancy, Ronald Reagan wasnt available. [in normal voice]: That was Ronald Reagan.
Phil Gordon: Maybe you should stop doing impressions.
Kevin Pollack: [in a Liverpool accent à la one of the Beatles] Maybe I shouldnt have landed in New York forty years ago and played The Ed Sullivan Show [mimicks playing a guitar; again speaks in normal voice]: Itsits one of the Beatles. George, Ringo? [Gordon glares at Pollack]: Any one of the Beatles?[Gordon gives up on trying to talk Pollack out of doing his impressions and gets back to the poker game]
Phil Gordon V/O: Carrot Top [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Carrot Tops hand] is holding [hand picks up a photo of Richard Simmons and a photo of Ian McKellen] pictures of Richard Simmons and Ian McKellen?![Carrot Top holds the photos up between his face]
Carrot Top: Look everybody, I have two queens [laughs annoyingly] [cut to lipstick cam view of Gene Shalits cards, which are obstructed by a plate of devilled eggs with olives on them]
Phil Gordon V/O: And finally, Gene Shalit has a pile of devilled eggs hidden under his cards [Shalit removes one of the devilled eggs to reveal the carda deuce of spades and a seven of diamonds] [cut to Gene Shalit, eating one of the devilled eggs]
Gene Shalit: Im eggs-tatic about these egg-cellent cards and thats no yolk![cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Gene Shalits hand is a two-seven off-suit. [Pollack mumbles something under his breath]: Now this is one of the worst starting hands you can have in poker [Pollack shakes his head No; cut back to Gene Shalit contemplating on whether or not to fold], so hell fold.
Gene Shalit: [pushes poker chips into the center] Im in for $100,000.[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: [taken aback over turn of events] Boy, thats terrible. Uh, well, its going to be Tammy Faye, Geraldo, or Gene Shalit. And its time to see the flop.
Kevin Pollack: You know, if Howard Cosell were here
Phil Gordon: [brusquely interrupts Pollack] Well, hes not! Hes not! And the flop comes [cut to lipstick-cam shot of the dealer laying down a king of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a six of clubs with the accompanying super: The Flop underneath the shot]: king, king, six. Oh, good news for Tammy Faye, who has three sixes and two kings, thats a full house.
Tammy Faye Messner: [dramatically] It is a sign! 666 is the mark of Satan! [calmly]: But I aint throwin away a full boat. Im all in. [pushes her poker chips in the center of the table] [cut to Gene Shalit]
Gene Shalit: [addressing the camera] As the man in the Chinese laundry said, Choing, choing, choing. I fold![studio audience groans at the semi-racist joke; cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: That was, uh, borderline offensive, uh, but Gene Shalit has folded.[cut to Geraldo Rivera speaking into his Fox News microphone one last time]
Geraldo Rivera: My blustery bluff has failed. My dastardly deed has me deader than a door nail. Geraldo Rivera folds [kisses his index and middle finger together]: Fox News.[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Phil Gordon: Geraldo Rivera folds, so that means Tammy Faye is going to win this hand.[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]
Tammy Faye Messner: [victoriously] I win. Praise the Lord [raises her hands in the air]: This money is going straight to the needy as in I needy more make-up![Carrot Top picks up two golf clubs]
Carrot Top: Hey look, everybody, I got two clubs [puts clubs down and buries his face in his hands in shame over the lame, ill-timed joke] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]
Kevin Pollack: [à la Reverend Jim from Taxi] Whoa, Alex! [in normal voice]: Thats Jim from Taxi. That certainly was a wild hand [imitating Casey Kasem]: Im Casey Kasem [back to normal voice]: Thats Casey Kase
Phil Gordon: [fed up with Pollacks impersonations]: Stop it! [to camera] Well be right back after this.[Pollack does another impersonation and Gordon tells him again to stop. The scene dissolves to the Celebrity Poker Showdown title card, followed by a fade to back]
Submitted by: Candy