SNL Transcripts: Megan Mullally: 02/07/04: Celebrity Poker Showdown


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Celebrity Poker Showdown

Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Pollack…..Jimmy Fallon
Phil Gordon/Bravo Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tammy Faye Messner…..Megan Mullally

[fade in on Bravo station identification screen with big band music playing]

Bravo Announcer: You’re watching Bravo—The Gay Stuff and Poker Network.

[dissolve to last part of animated opening sequence from “Celebrity Poker Showdown”] [dissolve again to Kevin Pollack and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]

Kevin Pollack: Welcome back to Celebrity Poker Showdown. I’m your host, the Man of 1000 Voices, Kevin Pollack. With me is poker professional, Phil Gordon [Gordon waves to the camera]. Phil, we’ve got a real barn burner here today—or as William Shatner would say…[in Shatner-esque cadence]: Spock…Bones…We got a real—barn burner—here today. [in normal voice]: That’s Captain Kirk.

Phil Gordon: [half-heartedly] That’s great, Kevin.

Kevin Pollack: [not reading into the weak compliment] Yes, it is great.

Phil Gordon: All right, let’s look at the current chip count. Carrot Top is in first place [an animated poker chip rolls across the screen, cutting to the stage where the four players and the dealer are seated] with $300,000.

[cut to Carrot Top]

Carrot Top: Hey, check it out, I have two “pair” [holds up two pears] or maybe I have a “flush” [holds up a miniature toilet and laughs annoyingly] [cut to Geraldo Rivera]

Phil Gordon V/O: Geraldo Rivera is in second place with $260,000.

Geraldo Rivera: [while speaking into his Fox News microphone] I’m here at the Minion’s Horseshoe Casino with these dastardly daredevils known as professional poker players, but for all the danger and dastardliness that surrounds me, I might as well be taking mortifier in Mogadeeshenu as I so often have.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit in third place with $150,000

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: I have a real “chip” on my shoulder [holds up a poker chip] about this card game. And you can tell your “ante” I’d like to “poker”.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: And finally, Tammy Faye Messner, formerly Tammy Faye Bakker, from TV’s “The Surreal Life” has $120,000.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: That’s okay. After all, you can’t buy your way into Heaven [laughs heartily, then starts sobbing] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, you—you have to admit; Tammy Faye has been playing well, despite repeating sobbing fits.

[cut back to Tammy Faye, sobbing harder than before with black mascara running down her face] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, my money’s on Gene Shalit. He’s been playing great, except for the hands that he missed when he went out for Blimpie’s. He’s got to be the favorite.

Kevin Pollack: [in Colombo voice] “Uh, pardon me, ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you. Just one more time, I agree with you” [in normal voice]: That’s Peter Falk as Colombo.

Phil Gordon: [slightly annoyed] That’s—That’s really great.

Kevin Pollack: It is. It was.

Phil Gordon: [sighs, changes the subject] Let’s head back to the table. [cut back to stage where the four players and the dealer are seated]: The great thing is, thanks to our lipstick cameras, we can see what cards the players have. Okay [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Geraldo’s hand] Geraldo Rivera has [hand picks up cards, revealing an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs] an eight and a ten.

[cut to Geraldo, speaking into his Fox News microphone]

Geraldo Rivera: Once again, my portentious plans for victory have been thwarted by the igdaminious ten to eight of suit. I have no other recourse but to boldly bluff. I bet $2000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, this brings up a good point: if you’re going to try to bluff, try not to announce it into your hand mike. [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Tammy Faye’s hands, which now inexplicably have fake red fingernails on them]: Tammy Faye Messner has [hand picks up a pair of sixes—one the six of diamonds, the other, the six of spades—caked in foundation and blush]: And though they seem to be covered in make-up, it makes a good hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner, her cheeks streaked with runny mascara, but now with a smile on her face]

Tammy Faye Messner: Well, as the Lord sayeth unto us, “We must always bet hard pre-flop with a low-pocket pair.” I’m in for twenty grand.

Phil Gordon V/O: Tammy Faye is in for $20,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Christopher Walken] You—you—you know, if Christopher Walken were here…he’d surely be wowed. [in normal voice to Phil Gordon, who is not impressed by the impersonation]: That’s Christopher—Christopher Walken.

Phil Gordon: [has had enough of Pollack’s voices]: Yeah. I’d like you to stop that.

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Johnny Carson] And I will definitely stop that. [in normal voice]: That’s Johnny Carson.

Phil Gordon: How did you even get this job?

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Nancy, Ronald Reagan wasn’t available. [in normal voice]: That was Ronald Reagan.

Phil Gordon: Maybe you should stop doing impressions.

Kevin Pollack: [in a Liverpool accent à la one of the Beatles] Maybe I shouldn’t have landed in New York forty years ago and played “The Ed Sullivan Show” [mimicks playing a guitar; again speaks in normal voice]: It’s—it’s one of the Beatles. George, Ringo? [Gordon glares at Pollack]: Any one of the Beatles?

[Gordon gives up on trying to talk Pollack out of doing his impressions and gets back to the poker game]

Phil Gordon V/O: Carrot Top [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Carrot Top’s hand] is holding [hand picks up a photo of Richard Simmons and a photo of Ian McKellen] pictures of Richard Simmons and Ian McKellen?!

[Carrot Top holds the photos up between his face]

Carrot Top: Look everybody, I have two “queens” [laughs annoyingly] [cut to lipstick cam view of Gene Shalit’s cards, which are obstructed by a plate of devilled eggs with olives on them]

Phil Gordon V/O: And finally, Gene Shalit has a pile of devilled eggs hidden under his cards [Shalit removes one of the devilled eggs to reveal the card—a deuce of spades and a seven of diamonds] [cut to Gene Shalit, eating one of the devilled eggs]

Gene Shalit: I’m “eggs-tatic” about these “egg-cellent” cards…and that’s no “yolk”!

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit’s hand is a two-seven off-suit. [Pollack mumbles something under his breath]: Now this is one of the worst starting hands you can have in poker [Pollack shakes his head “No”; cut back to Gene Shalit contemplating on whether or not to fold], so he’ll fold.

[Shalit is still contemplating over whether or not to fold until he looks at his cards again and slams them down]

Gene Shalit: [pushes poker chips into the center] I’m in for $100,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: [taken aback over turn of events] Boy, that’s…terrible. Uh, well, it’s going to be Tammy Faye, Geraldo, or Gene Shalit. And it’s time to see the flop.

Kevin Pollack: You know, if Howard Cosell were here…

Phil Gordon: [brusquely interrupts Pollack] Well, he’s not! He’s not! And the flop comes [cut to lipstick-cam shot of the dealer laying down a king of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a six of clubs with the accompanying super: “The Flop” underneath the shot]: king, king, six. Oh, good news for Tammy Faye, who has three sixes and two kings, that’s a full house.

Tammy Faye Messner: [dramatically] It is a sign! 666 is the mark of Satan! [calmly]: But I ain’t throwin’ away a full boat. I’m all in. [pushes her poker chips in the center of the table] [cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: [addressing the camera] As the man in the Chinese laundry said, “Choing, choing, choing. I fold!”

[studio audience groans at the semi-racist joke; cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: That was, uh, borderline offensive, uh, but Gene Shalit has folded.

[cut to Geraldo Rivera speaking into his Fox News microphone one last time]

Geraldo Rivera: My blustery bluff has failed. My dastardly deed has me deader than a door nail. Geraldo Rivera folds [kisses his index and middle finger together]: Fox News.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Geraldo Rivera folds, so that means Tammy Faye is going to win this hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: [victoriously] I win. Praise the Lord [raises her hands in the air]: This money is going straight to the needy…as in “I ‘needy’ more make-up!”

[Carrot Top picks up two golf clubs]

Carrot Top: Hey look, everybody, I got two “clubs” [puts clubs down and buries his face in his hands in shame over the lame, ill-timed joke] [cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [à la Reverend Jim from “Taxi”] Whoa, Alex! [in normal voice]: That’s Jim from “Taxi”. That certainly was a wild hand [imitating Casey Kasem]: I’m Casey Kasem [back to normal voice]: That’s Casey Kase—

Phil Gordon: [fed up with Pollack’s impersonations]: Stop it! [to camera] We’ll be right back after this.

[Pollack does another impersonation and Gordon tells him again to stop. The scene dissolves to the “Celebrity Poker Showdown” title card, followed by a fade to back]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x