Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken
Leon Warwick…Kenan Thompson
Connie Raitt…Megan Mullally
Tray Aiken…Clay Aiken
[open on exterior of Grammy award venue] [dissolve to velvet rope entrance.] [Vicki, an usher, stands at the doorway]
Vicki: Please, can you have your tickets out and ready, thank you. Tickets out. Tickets out and ready. [she accepts several tickets as guests enter the building, stage right] Thank you. Tickets. [Leon approaches and tries to walk past her] Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, excuse me sir, do you have a ticket?
Leon: Oh, I’m sorry, and what is your name?
Vicki: Vicki, and I need your ticket please.
Leon: Ah, Vicki. Thank you so much for your help. [tries to walk past Vicki]
Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, hey, you can’t go in there without a ticket.
Leon: Unless one’s name is Leon Warwick.
Leon: Leon Warwick. You know, War-wick. I’m on the list.
Vicki: No, there is no list.
Leon: Hey, my aunt put me on the VIP list, okay?
Vicki: Who’s your aunt?
Leon: One Miss Dionne Warwick. Grammy winner, creator of the [airquotes] Psychic Friends Network, the hostess of [does dance move] “Solid Gold.” Certainly you’ve heard of her.
Vicki: Yeah, of course I have.
Leon: Well, then, obviously you can see the resemblance. [gestures towards his own face]
Vicki: Actually, I don’t. And if I did, you’d still need a ticket. [accepts ticket from entering guest] Thank you.
Leon: Well, listen to this, and try to tell me I’m not a Warwick. [clears throat, sings] If you see me walking down the street / and I start to cry each time we meet / walk on by. / Walk on by…Walk on by, walk on by, walk on by! [shouts rather than sings as he tries to walk past Vicki, but is stopped by her]
Vicki: I’m really sorry, but you gotta have a ticket.
Leon: Okay, you know what? I think I’m beginning to see what the hangup is, all right? I’ll have my friend clear this up. [calls off-screen] Connie! Connie, over here!
Connie: [enters and poses] What is it?
Leon: This snippy little usher won’t let me into the Grammys. She says there’s no list.
Connie: [chuckles] Well, then, you can come in as my guest.
Leon: Oh, you’re the best.
Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah. You have to have a ticket, ma’am.
Connie: Oh, really? Why would I need a ticket to the Grammys when my name is Connie Raitt.
Vicki: Because everybody needs a ticket.
Connie: Oh, really?
Vicki: Yeah, really?
Connie: Well, let’s just check with my aunt Bonnie. As in Bonnie Raitt. Leon, let me use your mobile. [pulls a very large handset out of Leon’s shoulder bag, and the handset remains attached to the inside of the bag via a cord] Hi, Aunt Bonnie, it’s Connie. Hello? Hello? Bonnie says to let us in.
Vicki: Okay, you know what, you know what, I’m going to let security deal with you guys. Eddie!
Eddie: What’s the problem?
Leon: Hey, I’ll tell you what the problem is. As you can clearly see, I am Leon Warwick, and this is Connie Raitt, and apparently we’re not on the list.
Eddie: Okay, I don’t give a fat turd if you’re Kirsten Timberlake. There is no list; if you don’t have a ticket, you need to leave.
Connie: Oh, really?
Leon: Do you realize that you are turning away the half-nephew of a Black Achievement Awards presenter?
Eddie: I’m willing to accept that responsibility.
Connie: All right, there is no use in getting upset about it. We’re just going to have to accept the fact that no matter what we say or do, they are not going to let us into the Grammys. Let’s go. [leans in very close to Eddie and sings] Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t / You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t / Here in the dark–
Eddie: Get the hell out of here![Connie walks forward and poses]
Leon: You’ll be hearing from our Aunts![Leon and Connie exit stage left]
Vicki: All right, tickets everybody. Bring your tickets please. Tickets. Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, ticket please.
Tray: Oh, well, I’m Tray Aiken, Clay Aiken’s cousin-in-law.
Vicki: I’m sorry, you’re going to need a ticket.
Tray: I don’t really need a ticket, do I sweetie? [winks]
Vicki: No, you don’t need a ticket. Go ahead. That Aiken wink gets me every time!
Submitted by: Davidk93