Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 11
Zinger vs. Slam
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Scientist 1…..Rachel Dratch
Debbie “Slam” Slamowski…..Megan Mullally
Scientist 2…..Fred Armisen
Head Scientist: All right everyone, let’s focus. As of early this evening, we’ve lost contact with the Mars Spirit Rover. If we don’t reestablish a connection, the rover may travel into an unchartered crater and we’ll risk losing it forever. You’re the finest minds in the field, and now that you’re assembled we need to focus everything on Mars.
Dave “Zinger” Clinger: If you want to focus on Mars, maybe you should start by taking your head out of Uranus! Ha, you just got zinged! (Pretends to shoot off pistols) Zinga!
Scientist: Everyone, this is Dr. David Clinger, he’s a research fellow at the Institute for Advanced Astrophysics in Houston.(Dave clears his throat.)He likes to be called David “Zinger.”
Zinger: On account of the zings, but please, let’s get off me…just like your sister did last night. Minizing! Mars Rover, continue.
Scientist 1: Um, when was the most recent communication?
Zinger: I actually had the most recent communication; Velma from Scooby Doo called, she wants her haircut back. Heheheh, you just got zinged! (He imitates a slot machine.)
Head Scientist: Oh great, the zing jackpot. Nice. Now remember everyone, the Rover is a very small, delicate piece of equipment prone to malfunction.
Debbie Slamowski: (Enters and walks up to the head scientist.) Small, delicate, and prone to malfunction…(She points at his crotch.) I found it! Hahaha! You got slammed! (She pretends to open a locker) Click click click, unlock, squeeak, slam! Ha!
Scientist: I’m sorry, who might you be?
Zinger: Her name is Debbie Slamowski.
Slam: My friends call me Debbie Shlam!
Scientist: And you two know each other?
Zinger: We were once engaged.
Scientist: What happened?
Slam: My eyesight came back! That’s a slam! (pretends to play basketball) She dribbles left, she dribbles right, she goes up, three-sixty el slammo! Suck it!
Zinger: Wow Debbie, you’ve still got it.
Slam: Thank you.
Zinger: And by it, I mean headlice! Zing! (Pretends to be at a carnival) Step right up, step right up, test your strength! Why don’t mind if i do! Ooh, heavy, boom, eeeep, dingdingdingdingding! Oh my God, what’d I win? A stuffed panda, zing!
Scientist: Look, we’re running out of time here…We are desperate!
Slam: Desperate? You’ve never seen Dave when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out and the all the hand lotion stores are closed. Hahaha! (She pretends to be a waitress) You wanted two eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, whole wheat toast, coffee and juice? Well here at Denny’s we call that a Grand SLAM! Haha! Flip it!
Scientist: Doctors, please, the mars rover could be lost forever unless we find a solution in the next five minutes. So I’m going to ask that you spend no more than four of those minutes working out your differences through a series of zings and slams.
Slam: Don’t worry, if I know Dave, he’ll finish in two minutes, start crying, and then fall asleep, because he is wham, bam, thank you, slam! Haha! I bet you wish you had this back.
Zinger: No, I don’t really want that back Debbie, considering I took penicillin for three months just to get rid of it in the first place. Zinger! (Imitates carnival duck game) Chick, chick, quack, quack, quack, zing…Oh my God, what’d I win this time? Another stuffed panda! It’s for you. (He gives it to Debbie.)
Slam: Aw, just like the night we met! You know, Dave, it’s not the same since you moved out.
Slam: Yeah, but then I throw a sack of manure on the couch, turn on Baywatch, and it’s like you never left! (She licks her finger seductively and touches him on the nose.) Slam.
Zinger: Thanks, Debbie. You know, I always forget how beautiful you are.
Zinger: Yeah, because your breath is so bad it gives me short-term memory loss! (Pretends to be a magician) Nothing up my sleeves, oh, what’s that behind your ear? Why, it’s a shiny new…zing!
Slam: I love your zingers.
Zinger: I love your slams.
Slam: Oh, will you take me back?
Zinger: Oh, of course I’ll take you back Debbie, of course I will! As long as you’re still under warranty at the SKANK FACTORY! YES, that is the king of zings! (Pretends to be a Rube Goldberg machine) Feather, feather, feather, feather, scale, lever, ka-chunk, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bell, ding! Startles the chicken! BUCKAAAH! Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, dominoes…shhhhhhhhhhh…
Scientist 1: Sir, the Mars Rover will be lost in less than a minute!
Head Scientist: Would you shut up, woman! Can’t you see the dominoes are falling?!
Zinger: Click, fan! Candle in a paper boat, candle in a paper boat, wick, fuse, bottle rocket, fssssshhhhhhhh…(He is now gesturing wildly in the air)
Scientist: Would you look at that! It spells “zing!”
Slam: You win, Dave. You always loved your zingers more than me.
Zinger: It’s who I am.
Slam: I have one last slam for you. I’m not wearing anything under this lab coat…(turns to the head scientist) Care to check, doctor?
Scientist: Oh, don’t mind if I do!
Scientist 2: Uh, what about the Rover?
Head Scientist: Uh, no longer a top priority! (Runs off after Debbie.)
Submitted by: The Carters