SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: Access Hollywood


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien….Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with Pat wearing a suit and tie, glasses, mustache, mic on hand in the Access Hollywood TV studio]

Pat O’Brien: [very nasal voice] Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien.[points to his nose]I don’t use this thing on my face. What is it used for ? I don’t use it. What is it? You’ll never guess why Jeniffer Garner’s arms are so big—she’s been lifting weights. And you won’t believe what Julia Roberts had for lunch—a Cobb salad. First up, I caught up with Oscar hottie Charlize Theron at the Independent Spirit Awards.

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!] [Pat interviews Charlize Theron]

Pat O’Brien: Charlize, great to see you. I can tell people we’re friends, right?

Charlize Theron: Uh, sure.

Pat O’Brien: That’s totally cool. Charlize you’ll never guess who’s nominated for an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: I am?

Pat O’Brien: That’s right. You are. Charlize, you’re such a hot lady, playing an ugly lady. Was that hard?

Charlize Theron: Not at all. I think it would be harder to be ugly and play beautiful.

Pat O’Brien: Yeah, well, you’re great in the movie, uh, lets take a look.

[Cut a clip of “Monster”. Charlize as Aileen Wuornos has greasy hair, rotten teeth and bad skin]

Aileen Wuornos: Don’t you understand?! I can’t prostitute myself no more! Because I killed somebody! I’m a serial killer!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: You’re so ugly in that movie. You’re so ugly.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Let me ask you something. Why do so many actresses have to ugly themselves up? I mean, is it to win Oscars? Is that what Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Sara Jessica Parker are trying to do?

Charlize Theron: I don’t know Pat. I mean, I would never ugly up, you know, just to win an Award. I just wanna stretch as an actor.

Pat O’Brien: Just wanna stretch. What’s your next project on?

Charlize Theron: Well, I just finished a film for Miramax. Its an amazing true story of Monica Plattendorf. She was a Seattle mother whose husband actually struck her in the face with an ax but she could not be silenced and she went on to be a community activist.

[Cut to a clip of the film. Charlize plays Monica who has a bloody ax stuck in the middle of her face. She is delivering a speech at a podium.]

Monica Plattendorf: I don’t care what anyone in this town says. Just because I have an ax in my face doesn’t mean that I don’t count. And I say that this town needs a municipally funded dog run.[Applause] [Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar. I’m just kidding. I haven’t smelled anything since I was 15. I heard you’re currently working with a German director because he thought you were great in “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: Yes, Helmut Ofterbrau, yes that’s his name, Helmut Oftenbraunder, called me and asked me to do his new film about a woman with a very rare disease that gives her porcine features. And she’s just trying to maintain her life and her family. Its very moving.

[Cut to the clip. A woman with a pig snout sits across a man in a table holding a drink]

Pig Snout: Are you leaving me for another woman, John? Or are you leaving me because I’m a pig face? [Snorts like a pig] [Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar again and bacon. Again, I’m just kidding, I can’t smell. I heard you’re doing a play. What? Are you gunning for a Tony too?

Charlize Theron: No. I just love the part. Its about the life of Captain Lou Albano.

Pat O’Brien: Wait, wait. Captain Lou? From the Cindy Lauper videos?

Charlize Theron: Yeah, but God, there’s so much more to him. I mean, I play Captain Lou in his later years.

[Cut to the actual Captain Lou Albano in the middle of a wrestling ring with other wrestlers. He’s fat, ugly, hairy and has rubber bands in his facial hair]

Captain Lou Albano: [Charlize in a gruff voice] Let me tell you 3 things about Captain Lou Albano! I care about my fellow man, I’m a champion and I wear rubber bands on my face!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: Its like its not even you.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Did you know that Renee Zellwegger is gonna do a remake of “The Elephant Man” called “Elephant Girl”?

Charlize Theron:[worried] What?

Pat O’Brien: Next on Access Hollywood you’ll never believe where Topher Grace got his name from. Its from Chris-to-pher. I’m Pat O’Brien. Goodbye.

[Pat puts a giant bottle of Afrin up to his nose and inhales] [Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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